Episode:Â 20
The Blame Game – Dropping Shame, Owning Your Part, and Setting Yourself Free
With Layne Beachley and Tess Brouwer
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What if ownership without punishment could change everything?
In this raw and revealing conversation, Tess and Layne unpack the blame game and the shame that so often follows it. From watching world champions at the Australian Open to revisiting Layne’s early surfing career, they explore what really happens when we look outside ourselves for excuses instead of owning our part.
Layne reflects on the years she blamed her boards, the judges, the waves, the wax, even her leash for her losses, until she realised the common denominator to all her disappointment was her own mentality. Tess shares how blame can quietly leak energy in business and relationships, and how even a simple diary misunderstanding can trigger a fight, flight or freeze response.
Together they unpack the neuroscience behind blame: how it acts as a defence mechanism when we feel unsafe, how the brain seeks control, and why shining a light inward feels far more threatening than pointing a finger outward. They also explore the difference between blame and responsibility, and how ownership without punishment changes everything.
This is not a conversation about perfection. It is about awareness. It is about the micro moments where you pause, breathe, and ask: What is actually in my control right now?
What you will learn
- What blame really is from a neuroscience perspective and why your brain defaults to it under stress
- How the “common denominator” mindset transforms frustration into growth
- Why awareness is the circuit breaker in heated moments
- The difference between hot, fast blame and grounded responsibility
- How to separate ownership from self punishment
5 Key takeaways
- Blame Is a Defence Mechanism, Not a Personality Trait When you feel threatened or overwhelmed, your brain looks for safety and control. Blame gives the illusion of control, even when it keeps you stuck.
- The Common Denominator Is Often You Layne realised that across years of losses, the only consistent factor was her own mindset. Owning that truth was painful but liberating.
- Ownership Without Punishment Sets You Free Responsibility is not about beating yourself up. It is about asking, “What can I do differently next time?” and letting the rest go.
- Regulation Before Reaction Changes Everything A breath. Dropped shoulders. A longer exhale. That pause interrupts the stress response and prevents a small moment from becoming a full blown battle.
- Curiosity Builds Connection, Blame Builds Defence Instead of asking “Who is wrong?” ask “What is in my control right now?” That shift creates calm, clarity and growth.
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Disclaimer
The A Wake Up Call podcast is created for general informational, educational, and inspirational purposes only. The stories, tools, and insights shared are designed to support your wellbeing journey - not to replace professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. In fact, we believe therapy is non-negotiable in life.
If you’re experiencing a medical or mental health condition, please seek guidance from a qualified healthcare professional. Never ignore or delay seeking professional advice because of something you’ve heard on this podcast.
Your wellbeing matters. Take care of yourself, stay curious, and remember the real wake-up call is listening to what your body and mind are trying to tell you.
