Trust, Surrender and the Power of Owning Your Story

dose of purpose, packed with sciencebacked tools to beat burnout and boost happiness, hosted by us, Tess Brower, and seventime world champion Lane [music] Beley. We're the founders of Awake Academy. This podcast mixes raw life lessons, expert wisdom, and practical tips to help you stop sleepwalking [music] through life and start living it on your terms. You ready to wake up and thrive? Let's go. Before we [music] begin, we have a quick favor to ask. If this podcast has been landing for you, please hit subscribe and leave us a rating or review. It helps us grow the show and keep bringing these conversations to more people. My intention for today is just to be open and to sit back and receive the love and energy from you today. What's your intent, Eli? To learn to be curious. Yeah, curiosity is my intention. What about yours? Oh, I I would love to be of service to you guys today. I I would love to just offer whatever I can. Yeah. For your beautiful podcast and for you guys. Yeah. Awesome. Excellent. L, thanks for joining us. We like to start every one of these conversations with a question because every one of us has had a moment in time that has been either a crucible or some sort of catalyst for change. So, we'd love to ask you, what has been your wakeup call?

to live and you know she was in a coma for the first 4 days of her life and you know it was it was kind of you know it was was a bit precarious for me as well and um coming out the other side of that well actually in being in it in in that massive huge experience was probably one of the first times where I really understood what surrender meant. because it was one of those situations where I couldn't control the outcome. And I remember, you know, almost metaphorically getting on my knees like just having to surrender and let go to whatever would be. And I think I have a very strong memory when she was, you know, literally maybe 12

do. Um, I want you to stay, but if you have to go, I trust your journey." And I it was such a pivotal life-changing moment for me around surrender and trust because it's easy to trust when everything's going well. It's really hard to trust when we're up against it. So, I think that that was probably the the main moment. But from there, actually, when she did make it through and we finally got home, [gasps] I knew that we'd both had one of the most big traumatic experiences. And it was a a life-changing moment because I remember thinking, how do I heal from this? And how do I help my baby heal from this? And that 100% changed the trajectory of my life because I then started learning about trauma and learning about healing. And that became a lot of my life's work. And I had to then do the work, really, really do the work for myself. And I had PTSD for a few years from it. Like I had to go deep into all the crap in order to to really understand and heal. And it was the best thing that actually has ever happened in my life. It's not something I would ever wish upon anyone. It was a really big experience, but it changed me in the most profound way. It taught me about trust and surrender and intimacy and healing uh in a way that I don't think any other experience could. Wow, Leo. And that's a big moment. Yeah. I just I think I need like both of us are trying to take a breath whilst holding [clears throat] space for you. Thank you for being so open and I'm so like in that moment like I'm tapping into the mother side of there. Yeah. Yeah.

you knew to say to your daughter, I trust you? I think I I had worked in birth um for probably about 10 oh maybe actually I'm just trying to think maybe about five or six years um before that. So I'd had the privilege of seeing lots of babies come into the world and I knew the power of what birth was and I I think at that moment when I was just sitting there in fear because that's what you often feel when you're in these life and death situations. You know the fear is so is so prevalent. and it's just there. And I remember thinking I cannot let this fear consume me. I have to choose trust and I have to choose possibility. And so in order to do that, I thought the only way I can do that is just to trust that whatever is the outcome, I I have to trust there's a higher purpose for it. And what was interesting actually is very very good friends of ours had a a beautiful little boy Oscar who was born with cereable palsy. And you know he was he was a very high needs child in the sense of his divis disability was very um it was big and we spent a lot of time with them and and the doctors were saying to me at the time look she probably won't live but if she does more than likely she'll have brain damage and I remember thinking at the time okay if that's what happens it's okay because our best friends have a son you know like that and we know the love that he has brought into their lives and I know how hard it is I've witnessed that but I also am going to trust that If that is my life's path, that is the path we have to take. So there was something I think just from maybe just my upbringing, my mom is a really spiritual person. Something I think just landed in me where when you're faced with those crossroads, the only thing I could feel that I could do was to choose trust and to choose surrender. That whatever will be will be. And I think that experience with Tarly, my daughter, has just cemented that even more in my life now. just a a a poss an openness to let go sometimes to not try to control to just sometimes have to lay it all on the ground and say okay I'm not sure where this is going but I'm just going to allow it to happen and I'm going to trust there's a bigger picture and some learning in it for me so I think there was a bit of imprinting from my mom but I think there was also just life had shown me that sometimes that is all we can do in those moments yeah life does show us light and dark and we we learn from both sides And I believe that most of us, you know, only believe that the only place to learn is in the darkness. But to that point, l was there a time that you can reflect on in your life where you chose the opposite, you know, when you were in that fear and you you didn't trust and you were you just were invested in fear and what was the outcome of that particular experience? Well, I I would say I've been a parent for 25 years and I reckon that has come up a lot just parenting my kids. I think

never kind of goes well you know and I usually always find my way back to that point of having to let go of having to surrender of having to let go of this idea or this agenda of how I should think it should look and you know I think I I feel very very blessed actually cuz I have a mother who's been very very aware most of her life and you She really was just such a beautiful teacher for me even when I was young, you know, even when I was 13 and 14 and having issues with friends, all that kind of stuff. She'd sit me down and she'd be and she would say to me things like, you know, what what are you making this mean for you? You know, because everybody's a mirror in your life and what is, you know, what are the feelings that are coming up for you? So, I had this beautiful imprinting from a young age to take responsibility. I reckon I was probably about 12, 13. I remember it was all about friendship stuff. So I think I was very blessed from an early age to have someone who was teaching me about perception and was teaching me about you know what we you know what we perceive things to be the roles that we play the gifts of people in our lives often the shadow they bring. So I was a very contemplative teenager. I mean I thought about things deeply and you know I I wanted deep you know intimate heartfelt relationships which a lot of my friends probably were like what what are you doing? What's going on here? you know, but I think because I had that influence from her, you know, I I had that somewhere in the back of my mind through a lot of my life. So even in the times where I had you know chosen the fear or I've you know kind of collapsed into things I think there's always been a thread there that's pulled me back to allow me to stand in a place to remember you know that those thoughts of remember who you are remember you are powerful you know remember that everything is an opportunity for growth and for healing and for learning if we choose to look at it that way. I love your language l because you simplify the message which is like we talk a lot about help helping people help themselves but the how is the bit that I feel we struggle with like it's and we work with a lot of people who intellectually get these concepts but the how or the um putting it into practice in the heat of the moment like when you're triggered when you're upset when you're surrendered on your knees and you have nothing else left to give finding that tool in that moment is the like what we aim to give people or what has been the gift for us. What does for someone listening to say like I don't understand trust versus love. What or or fear versus love. What does fear feel like in your body? Cuz it's different for everyone. And then what does trust and love feel like for you? Yeah, great great question. And I love that you brought it into the body because we are I think we're really good at understanding stuff. But when we stay

very young age. Most of us have been taught not to feel. You know, we've been taught to push it down. We've been taught to turn away from it. We've been taught to intellectualize it. And so I just want to say it's hard having to feel and having to allow that to happen in our bodies because most of us have been conditioned not to. You know, we have a lot of people have a story that it's wrong or it's bad or it's it's really unsafe and it doesn't feel good. And that makes a lot of sense. For me, the fear in my body is it usually hits me in the gut, in the stomach. Usually I feel sick. Uh usually I I want to talk about it a lot. So the way I process stuff is to talk. So I often, you know, talk and talk and talk and talk to make sense of whatever's going on. Um, another big coping mechanism when fear hits for me is actually to go to sleep. So I do this massive disassociation where I have to actually close my eyes and just go to sleep. So literally my brain goes, we can't cope anymore. There's too much fear going on. And so I just need to close my eyes and just shut down for 20 minutes. And it's like I have a reboot and then I'm like, okay, now I can kind of cope with whatever's going on. So I know the feeling well now. And when that feeling comes for me, I have found over the years that what I need to do is allow to move it through my body. So sometimes I'll shake, sometimes I'll jump, sometimes I make noise just to be like, ah, it's here. I'll speak whatever the fear is. I just give it space to be felt. I give it space to to just move through me. The opposite of that, I think the trust and the love for me is coming back to a stillness where it's hard to explain sometimes if we've never felt it, but for me it's very much about sitting in a place where [sighs and gasps] there's an expansiveness or there's a knowing that that all is as it's meant to be. And and I know that's a very broad statement and people be like, "No, that's not right." Cuz there's a lot of pain in the world. And I I agree there is a lot of pain in the world. the when I say that what I really mean for me is I trust that I'm in the place I need to be right now for whatever is my growth and my story and I know that not everybody um agrees with that which is so fine I am such a big fan of doing what resonates and what feels good for you but I think over the years where I've come to is just that that knowing within my body that even if this outcome isn't going to go the way I want or even if you know there's some ruptures going on in my world I'm going to sit with my sense of knowing saying that I'm enough and that, you know, I'm doing the best I can and coming back to what I know is love and connection. And then it's sometimes, you know, moving towards those places where I'm reminded of that, whether that's my partner or my kids or getting into nature or or calling a friend who I know deeply loves and sees me. So, you know, I I think it I think it's such an interesting beautiful question of where do we feel it and how how do we feel it in our bodies? And I think it's different for everyone. I think over the years what I've learned to do is actually turn towards the fear instead of turning away which is what I did for a long time. I

to feel it. LB what about you? What does um like love and trust feel like in you versus fear and control? [laughter] Love and trust feels a whole lot more effortless. Uh fear feels tense, overwhelming, future focused, uh heart racing, you know, that freeze fight or flight response. There's a in the body. You can feel it when you're in fear if you're aware of it. And I mean, La just in that last answer gave us a whole toolkit on how to address it. We just need to summarize everything you just said around nature, phoning a friend, facing it, having a nap, disassociating. There was a lot of things. But for me, I mean, Tess and I were talking about the competition I was competing in. Um, there was this deep-seated fear of surrender. Yeah. Know, it's one thing to know it. There's another thing to actually do it. And I know surrenderings ends all suffering. And I know that acceptance empowers me to admit where I'm at and and actually allow myself to be there. Knowing it versus doing it can be very very different. So it was interesting when we ask you the question where do you feel it? Okay. So now you feel it and then you've just given us a toolkit about how to deal with it. What happens when you're afraid to feel it? Yeah. I I think the afraid to feel it is something that turns up in my work a lot with and I work mainly with with women. Um, and I always invite people to maybe kind of step a bit backwards to get that understanding of why we feel scared to feel. And I usually start by saying to people like just think about when you were little, what happened when you got angry or you got upset or you made a mistake or you broke something or how did your parents respond to you? And a lot of the time people will share things like, "Well, I was smacked or I was yelled at or I was sent to my room or they ignored me or maybe they mocked me. Uh maybe my brothers made fun of me." You know, most of the time, and it's rare in in the thousands of people not spoken to, does someone say, "Oh, my parents got down on my level, took a deep breath, and looked me in the eye and said, "It's okay. You made a mistake." Or, "It's okay to cry. I'm here with you, and it's okay to be angry. I'm going to keep you safe and let's get this anger out. It's very rare that someone had that as an imprint when they were little. And so when we got upset or we got angry when we were kids, if the response from the adults in our lives were more anger, they were um disconnection or it was being ignored, then everything in our body goes, it's not okay to feel, you know, I need to shut down this feeling pretty quickly. So we learn to repress the feelings. We learn to push them down. We learn to find other things to do so we don't have to feel and then we carry that with us and then you know we become adults and ultimately we are going to have experiences with other people whether it's work colleagues whether it's our intimate relationships or whether you're a parent I'm like if you want to do your work just become a parent and then you'll see all your crap come up it just uh it's in your face um and what often happens is then when we're confronted with that fear or big feelings usually what happens is we're activated back into the child part part of us that says this is dangerous and this is not okay. So it doesn't feel okay to feel the anger, feel the sadness. And that's why often a lot of people have trouble with intimacy or expressing how they feel or channeling their anger in a healthy way because a lot of it's to do with the imprints we were given when we're younger. And that does not make us wrong. It doesn't make us bad. You know, when we're little children, we just learn to protect ourselves in the way we need to. And for some people, the best protection was to shut those feelings down and not feel them. But the reality is we are feeling beings. You know, feelings are there because they need to be expressed. And so I find that when I work with people who really turn away from the feelings, it's about taking really small steps and looking for evidence that it's safe to feel. And for some people that's going to a therapist for the first time and maybe just letting themselves speak it or maybe crying in the space of a therapeutic environment where that person isn't going to judge them and where they hold a really safe space for them. For some people, the first step towards feeling is watching, I don't know, [snorts] America's Got Talent and someone gets the golden buzzer and everyone's crying and then all of a sudden you're just like balling your eyes out or, you know, sometimes it's those safer places where we let ourselves feel first and then we begin to see the evidence that actually it's okay for me to feel and I'm not going to get in trouble and people aren't going to turn away from me. And I think we need to take really really small steps and look for the evidence that we can do it. And and I really say, you know, that that learning to feel or allowing ourselves to express these feelings, we have to wrap it in the biggest container of compassion for ourselves because again, most of us, we're not taught how to feel and process our feelings in a healthy way. And what we often do then is we judge ourselves cuz we're really good at doing that. We're really good at judging ourselves. We're really good at beating ourselves up for not doing it right. But the way through is never through judgment. And it is always through that beautiful compassion and that holding, you know, of where we are and where we've come from and then looking at where we want to go, which is so much of the beautiful work that you guys do. Yeah, we love it. Um, Leil, this week I have been in the La School of Learning. [laughter]

podcast interviews of you. I was just trying to consume as much of your lessons that I could possibly do. But I had this instance in my family. So, I was sitting on my couch with my husband and um things like we're just going through some stuff. We've got three three kids. So, I've got three steps, a four-year-old called Benji, and huge dynamics going on in our lives and a little bit of turbulence, but we're holding steady within ourselves. So, that's just to give everyone a bit of context here. So, one of my escapisms is I like to seek and adventure and find new things to do. And my son is really into and my mother-in-law frogs. So, I thought to myself, I'm going to order these tadpoles. And where do you order tadpoles? I don't know. And then I'd go down the rabbit hole and it turns out that you have to get local tadpoles to where you are because you can't cross frogs. Big story. So I put it onto Facebook into our local community and this guy goes, "I've got thousands of green tree frog tadpoles." And I'm like, "Perfect. Winning." So I said to him, "I'll be there in the morning." And all of this stuff happened in the morning. I couldn't go there. And so I said to my husband, "Hey, can you go and pick up these tadpoles? I've got an adventure for you." And he just turned around and he looked at me like I had just killed someone. He's like, "You want me to do what?" [laughter] I was like, "Where's my compassionate, loving husband gone?" And I sat there and I think part of my rewiring or relearning of my story and my triggers and exactly like feeling it to heal it. I let that anger and it hit me like I almost felt like I wanted to get up and punch him in the face cuz I was so angry and I was like I said to myself like how old am I right now? What is going on for me? And then I realized that I was a 8 or 10 yearear-old girl who had gotten tadpoles at home and like I've always done really weird stuff and people have called me a bit of a weirdo most of my life. How dare they? [laughter] And even recently and I and I real and I

look. Yeah. like when I've put my foot out and to do something for the family or something different and then you've like given me that look of disapproval. And he was really good. He's like, "Look, I just woke up and I'm really sorry. I love you for your weird and like we embraced it." And then I listened to a podcast and it was actually a tool that you suggest people to do is to ask themselves like, "How old am I in this moment?" And you did that with your husband. So I was right up to that bit. So I got home after listening to that podcast because I needed to go for a walk and get rid of that energy and just move on. And I came home and I said to my husband without giving him the La School of Learning and I said, "Hey, when that happened to you, how old were you in that moment?" And he said, "I'm 15." And I was just blown away at how quickly he got that concept. I mean, he's a very emotionally intelligent man. And he said, "And it's my mom telling me what to do all the time. And you were I'd just woken up and you just told me what to do. Yeah. So Leil, what was h what is happening when you're coaching people through those moments? Yeah. And how do we impart our listeners today to question themselves in the heat of the moment when you feel that fear or that anger and someone looking at you? How do they coach themselves through that moment? As a busy mom and an entrepreneur, I am constantly looking at ways I can [music] optimize my sleep cuz when I sleep well, I feel amazing when I wake up. Micronutrition has an amazing product called Sleep Support. It has three different types [music] of magnesium powder and passion flour, which just help me feel a little bit more rejuvenated in the [music] tiny bits of sleep that I do get as a mom. So, visit micronutrition.com.au AU and use the code awake 10 [music] and get 10% off all of their products. Enjoy your sleep. I've been managing [music] menopause for years and I've constantly been looking for something to help me create mental clarity, boost my immunity, and help me show up with more energy. So, we came up with Wake Up. [music] It's only got seven ingredients in it, including a bit of caffeine, but cortiseps, turkey tail, jinseng, ginko, vitamin B, vitamin D, all really natural good stuff, and it's good for you. So, if you're feeling a little fatigued and need that little boost, wake up is your pill. You'll find it on our website, [music] awakeacademy.com.au. Yeah. Firstly, I just want to say big love to you and the tadpole adventure of what [laughter] you went through. And I just I love that you were able to find your way through that. Like that's beautiful. I mean that you clearly have a lot of self-awareness, but I know it's not easy for people to do in the moment. And so it's such a great question of like where do we start with that? I strip it right back to this is and I often talk about things like we're in balance or we're out of balance. We know when we're in balance. It's the same with kids. We know when kids are in balance cuz usually they're, you know, they'll they'll cooperate or, you know, they're engaged and, you know, they play kindly with their siblings. You know, we know when kids are feeling good. We know when we're feeling good because we're usually loving, compassionate, we're open, you know, we don't get activated. But when we're out of balance, you know, that is when, you know, maybe it's because we're tired, because we haven't had a break, because, you know, we're we don't have enough information about what's going on or because it's touching into a wound from the past that activates us. And you know, you may have heard this and many people may have heard this saying, and I often I really do believe this. Most of us are adults walking, you know, walking around, but really it's the 5-year-old in us that is calling the shots. You know, we're like little wounded children in adult bodies walking around kind of bumping into each other. And part of, I think, self-development and growth is doing a lot of work on healing our stories from the past because no one has a perfect childhood. You know, we all grow up trying to get our needs met in the best ways possible. And for a lot of people, maybe, you know, you always had food on the table and you, you know, you had clean clothes and you went to school, but perhaps your parents weren't able to meet you emotionally in the way that you needed. And then we have some people that grew up in environments that were unsafe. You know, maybe they got yelled at, maybe there was abuse of some type. Um, maybe there was neglect. So, we all kind of sit somewhere on this spectrum of we, you know, the way we were raised kind of sets this imprint for who we are. And all of us have kind of wounded, you know, inner child parts within us that can get activated. Now, in in your story, you know, that was clearly something was up for you, something was up for your partner in that moment. And how beautiful that you could actually address it. And what I say to people is we want to just be curious as to when we are not in balance. So when we start to snap a little bit at our partner or we're starting to get frustrated at our kids or we start to all of a sudden start criticizing our work colleague, what we ideally want to do is just have that as a little bit of a beacon going off beside us that says, "Oh, what is actually happening here?" Because I'm not in my center and I'm not feeling in balance in this moment. And so then I kind of say we start to get curious. Is my reaction in this moment just about that nobody's listening to me? Is it about that I actually need a break? you know, which is a big thing often for a lot of mothers [clears throat] and women. Uh, is it that my boundaries are being crossed in these moments? Like, we can kind of go through a little bit of a checklist. Is it these things? And if it's not that, what we can lean into is, is there something from my past that's being activated in this moment that is up in my face that is an opportunity for healing. So, we can often know, you know, that it is from our past because

What is this feeling? What does it remind you of?" Now, like you said, you it could be shame. It could be judgment. It could be a feeling of not good enough. It could be that I was criticized. And what we ideally want to do is we want to just be able to acknowledge that I've got feelings that are sitting here right now that feel really tender. I feel that there's shame present. For some people, they can take it a bit further and and ask themselves the question, you know, what does this remind me of? And that may be, oh, it was that time when I didn't get picked in the dance concert and everyone else did and I felt like I wasn't good enough and I felt like really ashamed. That's one of my stories. [laughter] That was me. And um and then when you know in my adult life when somebody you know passed me over for something or someone didn't choose me you know that feeling popped up again and straight away I went back into that 8-year-old me that didn't get picked and didn't feel like I was good enough. So ideally we want to start with being able to have enough awareness to notice hey I'm not acting from that kind of adult grounded part of me. Uh there's there's something here that's stirring within me that's asking to be felt. And then ideally we want to be able to just feel around a little bit what is there. And then the next piece of that is to be able to be really tender with those younger parts of us. And and I often do it by just noticing who's here. Oh, it's like 8-year-old me here at the moment. And then I often will say, "Does 8-year-old me want to say something? Is there something that she needs to say?" And you know, in that experience of me, 8-year-old me needed to speak up and say, "I feel embarrassed that I didn't get picked. Everybody else did. I feel like I'm not good enough. And what I deeply needed in that moment was an adult to be able to hold that space for me. But nobody did because nobody really saw it. I didn't really share it with my parents at the time. I just kind of carried that shame myself. And so then what I did is I just kind of imagined that younger part of me and then I gave her the words that she really needed to hear. Like I said to her from adult me, I am so sorry that experience happened to you. And that must have felt so big feeling like you weren't good enough. And what I want to remind you of is that you've always been good enough. And even if you didn't get picked in this team, you know you're okay. It's enough. And what I want to let you know, beautiful little 8-year-old me, is that you grew up to be a fabulous woman that has done lots of hard things. And you have pushed yourself and you have shone in many, many different ways. And what I I really want to let you know is that you're not alone in that feeling now. And we can often when we can do a process like this, this kind of inner child work, we often feel a settling in our body. We can feel that the shame kind of dissipates a bit. There often is almost like a real tenderness that can come over us. And then what we often begin to see is that that story or that wound or that pain doesn't often turn up again. You know, it may to test you, but often we see that it no longer kind of turns up in the same way. It sounds like a process that's really beneficial obviously, but it also sounds like it's harder to do than it sounds. Like it's easier said than done as well. Yeah. Well, I reflect like on my phone um because I've been doing inner child work for many many years cuz I understand the power of it. It's one of my first slides when I do a workshop um as you know and I've had it on the screen saver of my phone. But I think about the A type women that we work with and I think about the man in the boardroom or how who you know people in these high pressure environments and on my lay school of learning. I actually had one of these moments in myself and I thought how would I like in my right mind I'm triggered right now. Yeah, I'm in a work environment. How am I going to have a conversation with baby Jess and say you know what come and sit down. Excuse me everybody. Just give me five minutes. [laughter] I just Are you okay? It's going to be okay. You've got this. You've grown into an amazing woman that's done hard things. You're shining. And then start the meeting back up again. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. [gasps] L How do you do that in the heat of the moment [laughter] when you're in a high pressure environment, you're in fight or flight, you've got high expectations, like what do you do in that moment when you don't have the time? Yeah, I I love that conversation. Look, sometimes you just can't. Sometimes you have to put it in a box and just go, I'm going to come pick you up later. You know, because sometimes in the heat of the moment, go to daycare. We'll be there. [laughter] You know what? I'm going to put a pin in it. Just leave you hanging. Sometimes, you know, there isn't the safety to explore it. Sometimes we can't. I mean, again, even in parenting, you know, if you've got a 2-year-old who's having a meltdown in front of you, you can't just say to your 2-year-old, "Could you just hold on to those feelings for a minute because I need to process some stuff?" It's like it doesn't work. So, I think for me the biggest thing is the acknowledgement. Oh, something was activated in me right now. I I can I and even this can happen in your head. I notice that it's there. I'm I've got some feelings going on. What do I need to do in the immediate uh present moment to actually just bring myself back into my body? So sometimes I might even do that by just kind of, you know, doing like making my fingers kind of wide and or even just feeling my feet on the ground, like really kind of putting my feet on the ground, bringing myself back into the body as quickly as I can. And then, you know, once we've moved through that meeting or something's happened, I will always go back and go, "Oof, what happened for me there?" Like, what was activated? And that's where it can be beautiful having like a listening partner, accountability buddy that you can just voice note and go, gosh, I was in this meeting today. I got really triggered when someone said something to me, you know, I just need to unpack it a bit. And sometimes we can work through it then. So, you know, it's I often say to people, we we're doing the best we can with what we've got in the moment a lot of the time. And and a lot of the time we don't have the space to lean into what's going on. But I think a really beautiful thing to to be able to do when we can is just to acknowledge what is here, which is I'm feeling really, if this is with another person, I'm feeling really activated at the moment. There's some feelings going on for me. I just need to take a break before we continue this conversation. I mean, that's a really healthy thing that we can do with our partners in the moment instead of fighting. Yeah. Instead of starting to battle it out. It's a good thing that we can do if our kids are old enough to just know that they can we can chill for a little minute. We'll come back. Um even for a work colleague, I need to sit on this. Just, you know, there's something going on for me. I'll I'll circle back to you around it. I mean, I think the pause is a really really important thing and in some moments we can't and we just have to keep going. And that's where I often in my mind when those things happen, I clock it and then I just kind of say to myself, I'm going to come back to that in a minute. How do I stay in my center right now as much as I can?

[laughter] is, but is there something that we can is there a process that we can do go through that we can build up that resilience muscle or that response muscle so when we know we're triggered, we have that toolkit to go, okay, like the toolkit, what is how old am I right now? You know, and do I have the safety to ask for what I need? Yeah. Cuz I didn't have the language of how old am I right now? It was just a moment that dropped in. It was so bizarre that your that is actually one of your tools is to ask yourself how old am I right now? But yeah, to Lane's point, how do we how do we gather that resilience muscle? Cuz a lot of people aren't going to go to therapy. We encourage people to go to therapy all the time. Cuz we do. Um but a lot of people just don't have the time, resource, money, or the the need right now. So for that person, what are some of the tools or premortem? [laughter] Yeah, I I I get what you're saying. Well, for me, I think it's very much about a commitment. I mean, commitment is a big word. Maybe I'll use the word a dedication to knowing ourselves or to doing our inner work. And that can be, you know, some days when I was really in the thick of doing my healing work, I'd wake up in the morning and I would literally just ask myself, who's here right now? And what I meant by that was, which younger part of me is present and alive in this moment? And and sometimes I would feel like little 2-year-old me or sometimes it's awkward 14-year-old me. And even just as I laid in bed in the morning, I would just send them some love and just say, "Hey, I'm here and you know, you're enough just the way you are." And you know, just some motivational kind of pep up for the day for the younger parts of me. Like sometimes we can start with that. Sometimes we can start with just journaling. If there's a big theme that we have in our lives that keeps showing up, whether it's about not being heard, whether it's about feeling like we're not good enough, you know, we've all got those themes that that are there that sometimes just even journaling of like where did this where do I first remember this feeling being present in my world or you know when I look at the imprints from my family of origin, what was modeled to me around these things. So I think we all have the cap capability and capacity to do some reflective work. I think the building the the resilience part for me is really being able to just notice when something is alive in us and just being able to clock it. For me that is the first step always. But I also think we don't know what life is going to bring us. You know sometimes we get activated and triggered by the most minor things. And I mean it would be awesome if we could troubleshoot what happens throughout our day so we're prepared for it. But a lot of the time we're not. You know, it it happens in these random ways when people respond to us. And I think for me, it always comes back to the observation of what's going on, being aware that it's there, and just knowing that, you know, I'm going to keep working on these tools to be able to meet whatever's in front of me. I love that. And I think that that's an epic segue cuz we like to say to people, own your which is really about you owning your story. So you've written a book on this.

wrote it or my book is really about I talk a lot about what I call imprints. An imprint are the belief systems and stories we take on board as children. So we have imprints around everything from our relationship to food to success to intimacy to relationships to anger to tears to everything boundaries self-care all that kind of stuff because we grow up in a family and from when we're a little child we're watching the adults in our life do life and we take that on board as an imprint of that's how you do life. So for example, we grow up in a family where um a really important value in the family is of doing charity work and helping people and this could be a beautiful imprint that you take on board and part of you realize being a human is to help others and that's something that becomes a beautiful imprint in your life. Equally you could have grown up in a family where the messaging was you are only enough if you are the best. So you must get the best grades at school, you must be the best um at whatever you choose to do. And that is an imprint we take on board. And so as a child we believe I am only valid and I'm only worthy enough if I am the best. Right? And so we we hold that. So we have imprints on everything. And the interesting thing about imprints is they are often unconscious for people. So they don't even realize they're doing it. They're just repeating the same patterns that was modeled to them. And also and this is a part that I find really deeply interesting is we often will stay loyal to those imprints because it means we belong in that family. So even if the imprints are not healthy, we will often still live that way because if we all struggle in life, cuz that's what our family does. Um even if I have success in front of me, well, I don't know if I can actually take that success because that would mean abandoning my family because what we do in our family is we struggle. So we actually stay loyal to the pattern and the imprint a lot of the times. And this is just often unconscious. And for me, I guess it comes back to this owning your story. When we can understand where we've come from and understand these imprints and stories, then what we do is we are able to stand in a place of power. Because the beautiful thing is we can change this story. We can change these imprints as we move forward. And so when we understand it and we know where we've come from, we then sit in this beautiful place where we go, well, what do I want this to look like? What would be possible if I know that my imprint is I'm only worthy if I'm the best or I'm successful? Well, then what would I want that imprint to be? Well, what I want that imprint to be is I am enough even if I'm just average, you know, and I am enough without having to prove myself in the world. And that's the imprint that we want to hold as we move forward. So, I think the thing is as as you guys are well aware, these are stories we create. They are all about perception. You could grow up with four other siblings in the one family and you will all have a different um perception of what that imprint is. Some are very similar but others will be like oh wow no I didn't think of that and you know I was the firstborn so I was always achieving and you know we there's there's a a lot of complexity to it but I think the key part is the ability to look at ourselves and reflect and really question does this serve me cuz some imprints are brilliant and they are going to they're going to help us you know uh live our best lives and others we actually want to put down and change for our future and our children moving forward. And for me, you know, the second part of that question, Leo, can I just ask you one question? I need I need your parenting advice in so I understand that four different people can grow up in the same family and have the same it can be the same circumstances, but their stories are very different. And I look at that through my adult lens, and I'm able to rewrite my story, and you were able to rewrite your story and win world titles because of it. How do you manage when you're watching teenagers go through life and challenges and you know that they're creating stories in their head? Yeah. And no matter how hard you try to create opportunities, the best of pave the way let them sit in resilience like let them honor their pain. all of the things, right, that us emotionally intelligent or I guess as a generation, we've got more tools now to be able to sit on the floor with a child and let them say, "Sorry, you you spilled something. Let's get up and clean it up together." But you are watching this play out and you I I just don't know with all the tools I have when I'm watching kids or teenagers create stories in front of me. Yeah. I don't know how to patent interrupt. Yeah. without getting in the way. Yeah, it's big. Yeah. Yeah, it's really big. And it hurts cuz I know that I'm part of that story. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess that's the stepmother journey, too. Like it is it's really hard, but it could be against anything. And when we say, "Oh, how old are you right now in your pain or your trigger?" I'll say, "Oh, I'm 15 or I'm 16 or I'm 18." But I'm watching people that I love and deeply care about creating these stories and I'm like, "How do I stop that? How do I help you?" Yeah. Yeah. I really I really hear that. The first thing I would say to you is we can't often stop it or make it better. And that actually isn't our job. Our job is often to sit beside our children, stepchildren, you know, loved ones and

Whereas when you have a 15-year-old who, you know, has freedom to go out, make decisions, all that kind of stuff, it's hard and it feels scary and it's wobbly. Like raising teenagers is wobbly. And yet, I think the goal or the job as a caregiver, as an adult in a teenager's life is to let them know, I love you and have your back no matter what. I will always be here. [clears throat] And yes, I'm going to set boundaries around things. And yes, I might make suggestions, but this period of your life is you figuring out who you are. Now, that isn't always rainbows and unicorns. It's often messy. And as an adult who's caring for these kids, every single part of us, because we have the lived wisdom to know, I can see the train wreck that's about to happen in front of me wants to jump in front of that train and go, "Get off. Stop. It's, you know, don't do it." Yet, sometimes we have to trust that that is what they need to do in order to learn the lesson. Now, I'm not saying that we don't interfere when things are very dangerous. Of course, we have to make sure our children are safe. But there is a part of surrendering and trust when raising children that is so vital where we set up an imprint with our children that say, "I am here to listen to you. So, no matter what, when things are hard, when things you're up against it, I want you to know that I'm here." And I spent um five years um teaching sexed to teenagers in secondary schools which was a very fun and fascinating job. And um Wow. That's for another episode. Oh yeah. Nothing will ever shock me ever again. I can tell you. Um and when I worked with those teenagers, there were uh every teenager I worked with, I asked them the same question. If there was one thing you could change about your parent or there's one thing you wish your parents knew, what would it be? And I'd say 85% of the teenagers

they're bad company and I never liked them and we come in with the judgment cuz in that moment the teenager just pulls away. I'm not going to tell you about them anymore." The second thing, and this is, you know, so vital for all our relationships, is they wanted their parents to listen without fixing. And most of us we listen to fix. We don't actually listen to here. And of course we listen to fix because we love this person in front of us and we want to make it okay. But actually what often that is about is it's about our uncomfortableness. We have to learn to get comfortable in the uncomfortable. Which means that when our kid doesn't get picked in the basketball team or their friends are not playing with them or their boyfriend broke up with them, we don't jump in to fix with all the things that they could do better to make it not happen. We have to sit there and do a lot of nodding and a lot of like that sounds really hard and I'm here and tell me more and that's big and thank you for sharing with me and then that's it and we don't offer advice and you can maybe at the end if you wanted to say would you like a suggestion or did you want me to just listen and if they say I want you to just listen you don't then go okay but here's what I think you should do because that's often our need to say but it's It's like it's the same in life. Yeah. It's the same in a relationship counseling. But it's so hard when it's about you and they may not be factually correct or you know like it's exactly the way that you would hold space in a partner relationship. We just got two. What was the third? So the third one, thanks Lane, is we want to listen without getting into the drama with them. And this is one of the biggest trickiest things that we do as humans. Um I often talk about we actually get into the box with people. And what that means is we're like right in their story and in their drama and I got to help you. And actually when someone is having a hard time, our job is to not get in the box. It is to sit outside the box and see them lovingly. Is to see the potential of who they are. To hold that space of listening. So as an adult who cares for children, it is so hard to not get in the box with your kids because you love them and you want it to be okay. But our job is to keep our seed and to stay grounded to be able to say, "This is big and I've got your back and I'm right here." And when we do that, what happens is it sets up an imprint with that young person that says, "No matter what I've got going on or where things are hard, you are a safe place to come." That's that's the long game that we're looking at with our kids, whether they're four or whether they're 14. When we can learn to listen well without that judgment and be able to just sit and hold space, then what we're doing is we're setting up a story that says, "Hey, no matter what's going on, I've got your back. I'm rock solid. I'm right here for you." And it's big because again, a lot of us didn't experience that when we were teenagers from our parents. You know, we might have been fixed a lot or criticized or all those things. But actually, as humans, our deep desire and need is to be heard. It is not to be fixed. It is just to be heard and seen. And I think when we are navigating tricky dynamics and and step parenting is a is a big one and there's many different elements that go with it. You know, sometimes the best thing we can do is get listening time for ourselves. So, we get to take whatever's going on for us around them somewhere. We get to talk it out. We get to swear about it. We get to just talk about how tricky it is so that we've got more spaciousness to come back to them so we can keep our center. Because often what we do, we get in the box with them and then it's like two teenagers, you know, going for it and that doesn't work. And if we circle that all the way back to this initial conversation around trust, that's where we started. If you've always been the judge, the fixer, the one getting in the box, and now all of a sudden you've listened to this conversation and you realize that's where you're failing your loved one, your kids, or whoever in your life that you really want to just be there for. And now you choose to be the listener without the judgment and without the fixing. And perhaps that person that you're speaking with may not trust the fact that you're not just going to dive in and say something. How do you rebuild that trust to ensure that that person does feel safe enough to open back up to you? Great question. It it takes time and we have to often see a lot of evidence and so if we have had ruptures in our relationships whether that's with partners or it's with our kids um we actually have to keep showing up in those ways we keep leaning in we keep offering connection we keep doing it because eventually over time when there's enough trust there that's when that they will open up that's when often the feelings will come but it takes a bit of time you know I I you know have got three kids my oldest is 5. And I didn't come to this kind of style of parenting really listening and holding space for feelings until he was about 8. So up until then, I just did a lot of distraction and a lot of trying to fix everything that was going on in his world. And there were just so many feelings sitting under the surface. And when I started to first learn about this, I was like, "Oh my god, my job is not to fix and make it okay. My job is actually to hold the space and to listen." So when I first started, my son would look at me and he would even say to me, "What are you doing? Why are you not fixing this?" [laughter] I would be like I would be like uh I'm just listening to you mate. And in the beginning he was so weary about it and I just had to keep turning up turning up listening holding space acknowledging until you know I could see that that had kind of been repaired or the trust started to kick in. Um and and that just took a bit of time you know and it's us as an adult we were holding that you know our job as adults is to hold the connection for our children. It's never a child's job to bring the connection. And it's ours to hold it, you know, it's ours to say, "Hey, I'm rock solid. I can sit in the fire with you no matter what." And children, I mean, because they're so often in tune with themselves, they haven't been as conditioned yet as us as adults. They know this. They sense it. You know, children are sentient beings. They can feel when someone feels safe and not. And I really believe that our job as adults is to know our own stuff so that we can bring a safety and a spaciousness to any environment to any relationship so that people can feel ah it's safe to be with you. But it always starts here with ourselves. We have to you know start with ourselves doing that beautiful work. And the more we learn to trust ourselves and the more we learn to tune into our yeses and nos the more we can sit in that space with others. Oh, I love that, Leo. And my husband says holding space is hard. Yes. Because and I feel like all adults need the same listening approach to their dynamic as well. So, this really that three-step tool really is about in any relationship, not just kids. Yeah. So back to uh the fir the second part of my big question was if people are returning to center they're owning their they're aware of their imprints and they're actively doing the work whether it's self-reflection journaling or therapy whatever it is what happens to the world. Wow. I mean I dream about this and I I would love to think that I will see this in my lifetime but I don't know don't know if I we will. But for me, I think when we learn to own our stories and stand in that place, then what we would do is we would stop projecting and blaming onto everyone else because we are a culture that I believe is ultimately steeped in the victim mentality, which is it's everyone else's fault. You know, you did this to me, he did that. And again, I'm not discounting that some really bad painful stuff happens in the world, but I I really do believe that if we are able to own our stuff, then whenever we have conflict or whe whenever we bump up against someone in that moment, we'd be able to say, "Oh, I'm feeling really triggered. There's something here for me. Just give me a second so I can work through it." And you figure out what's going on for you. And then you're able to say to that person in front of you, "O 5-year-old me just got activated because when you talked about that other colleague, I felt this feeling of missing out. And when I was a kid, I never got invited to kids parties and that's still a big wound for me. So that's just a lie for me. And then hopefully the other person goes, "Well done for owning whatever was present for you. You know, that was never my intention. Do you need to hear some words to help that feel better for you?" I mean, that would be amazing, right? [laughter] I thought you were going to go down the lines of um we wouldn't fight each other for food and war and there'd be a bit more world peace. There would be. Absolutely. There would be because you think about well I come back to this a lot of the stuff that happens in the world is is born of pain is born of deep hurt people hurt yeah totally is born of deep pain of us not getting our needs met and and this all makes sense when you pull back and you look at history and you look at us as humans I mean we've all done the best we could with what we had at the time with what was going on you know our grandparents were navigating life after war and just trying to survive and our parents parents, you know, were then trying to focus on raising us to get education. And now we're this generation of parents who have the opportunity to access information in a way that we never could before. There's the opportunity for therapy and learning and growth and emotional understanding. So, we're doing it differently with our children now. And I do have hope for the future that if we can raise our kids with emotional awareness, then they will be people who will stand up and say, "Actually, no, this is not okay to do this for the earth. and actually here is my boundary around certain things and you know honoring other people's journey like I I see that in my children I see that in other people's children that I work with I see that at a school I created a school that's really based around this emotional intelligence stuff as well where we see a lot of that happening with the kids and so I can't wait to see the data from those kids about how they turn up in life yeah well I mean the goal really there is to help them be self-aware because the more self-aware we are the less we project onto others and I do think that that is you know the greater hope for the future. It all starts with the family. It always does. It starts with the children because when we raise children in loving conscious environments then they don't want to grow up and hurt each other. They don't want to be mean. We they come from a place of that care for the earth and being a conscious citizen. Like that's kind of ideally what we need. But so many of us did not get that growing up. And it makes sense why we are where we are in the world. And I think, you know, it's it's painful and, you know, there is just there is so much pain and trauma out there. Like, it's really really big. But I think it really does start one small step at a time with our self-awareness, compassion, kindness. We can start for ourselves. Then we can gift that to others and then we create those ripple effects with the next generations that come through. As Gandhi said, be the change you wish to see in the world. I love that. Leo, I just want to take a pause for our dream team just so that they can absorb a lot of that. It's been a really heavy and beautiful and enriching conversation. So, we want to honor the listener to to let them kind of land and think of something that they can take into their lives because there've been an abundance of tools that we've shared today. But in this moment, Leil, for someone to know themselves, to grow themselves, what's a tool that they can do that that enables them to do it for their life so that they can in the moment, let's just pretend you're a busy person going to work or Yeah. you've been triggered. What's a tool for someone that they can take away that helps them know themselves to grow themselves in the moment? Yeah, I think for me probably the first one in the moment is the acknowledgement of oh, I'm having a reaction. Like it it literally is just the there's something here for me. And knowing that cuz our default is when I'm having a reaction to point towards the person that we're bumping up against or the system we're bumping up against or whatever, our default is often to just go, you're making me feel this way. And actually, nobody's making you feel anything. We are feeling a certain way. We are having a reaction. So for me the first step is the acknowledgement of I'm actually having some feelings go on here. I wonder what that's about. You know for me curiosity is the is the first step always is to be curious as to what's alive in me and what is here. And I think when we can start with curiosity then we can actually take the next steps from there. Le what a gift you have been to us today. I in the LA school of learning that I've been on, I've had this line of self inquiry that when you jumped on the Riverside, like when you jumped onto the podcast today, I instantly felt this like emotion of like deep connection to you, even though I've just met you, but you're almost like the warm and you're not a grandma by any means, but this old maternal knowledge um you have this sense of safety in your voice and the language that you use that is a real gift to the world. Um, so I trust that our listeners and our dream team today feel that. Uh, you have to be one of the safest people I've ever spoken with. So, thank you for your gift and your wisdom to the world. Um, to everyone else, own your Own your story. Buy the book. Own your story. And if anyone wants to connect with you, where's the best place to go? Oh, firstly, Tess, can I just say those words are so beautiful. Thank you. I feel like it is um when somebody says they feel safe with you, that's like such an honor. Like for me, I'm like I'm I am doing good in the world if that's what people feel. So, thank you. I'm I'm really touched by your words. Um people can find me at lestone.com.au. As Lane and I were talking about, it's a weird name and there's only one Leil Stone on Google. So, thank you parents for giving me a weird name, but uh they can find me. Thank you for that in Yes. [laughter] didn't didn't always love it, but now I'm like, that's a that's good. Um, so yeah, and I'm on Instagram, social media, that kind of stuff. And um my new podcast, Humans Being, is is out, which is, you know, just really about conversations like this, the hard stuff that we all navigate as humans. And um yeah, I have courses and all that kind of stuff on on my website that people can access. All right. Do yourselves a favor. Do humanity a favor and do the work with Leo. Right. Thank you. Um, it has been an honor and dream team. Please, if this res episode resonated with you, do the work. Show up, hold space for yourself. Um, share this conversation with a loved one. And most of all, just share it with yourself. Go for a walk and, um, allow it to land. Allow it to land. And we will see you next week with another episode in our knowyouself, grow it yourself series with another wonderful guest who is going to teach us more about ourselves. Right. Yeah. 100%. [laughter] You're just landing in it, too, aren't you? Yeah, I'm really I'm just What was your one takeaway? Uh l one I'd like to echo Tessa's sentiments and just say thank you for the gifts that you share with this world. Um as we both know when you do the work, that's what enables us all to authentically share and shine our light on the world and you are a big bold beautiful light. So, thank you for being that beacon of positivity and joy and self-awareness. We are all growing through this and it's about giving ourselves the safety and the compassion to not always have the right answer or the right response to not always have it right because we are humans and we don't always get it right. We sometimes get it wrong and that's why we're in these chairs because we don't get it right all the time. [laughter] So we take away just Yeah. Yeah. So I I feel that my main takeaway is just that that self-compassion piece and uh and to sit in the discomfort. I I love the school that you've created around emotional wellbeing. And if we could all just learn to sit in discomfort and have the awareness to go, I'm uncomfortable right now and not point the finger and lay the blame, we'd be in a much happier world. Yeah. Stay out of the box, everyone. Yeah. Stay out of the box. Thank you, Leo. Thank you, Leo. We'll see you next week, dream team. Tles. Have you been listening to this episode and thought mic drop? Maybe I'm ready to get coached or have some therapy, but you don't want to go all the way down and get a therapist. Welcome to the Awake Collective where we do monthly coaching [music] to help people feel accountable, supported, and they keep on doing the work that you hear in this podcast. It is life transformative. Right, LB? It's a community of support [music] and like-minded people who are willing to keep investing in themselves because what we do is we help people help themselves. If you've enjoyed what you've heard today, then the Awake [music] Collective is for you. So, come and join us at awakeacademy.com.au and join us for monthly coaching, a community that supports you and tools that you can use in your life to thrive. Let's go. See you there. Before we close, we just want to gently remind you that Awake Academy is not a licensed mental health service and this podcast is not a substitute for personalized mental health advice, assessment, diagnosis, or treatment. What we share here is general in nature and is designed to offer reflection, insight, and practical tools for everyday life. Therapy can be life-changing, and we deeply encourage you to speak to your GP about your mental health and wellbeing options. If this conversation brought something up for you, please do not sit with it alone. Reach out to someone you trust. Speak to your GP. And if you need immediate support in Australia, Lifeline is available 24 hours a day on 13 114. You are not alone.