The Therapy Session: Self-Care, Separation and Healing Your Inner Child

which is your weekly dose of purpose, packed with science-backed tools to beat burnout and boost happiness, hosted by us, Tess Brower, and seven-time world champion Lane Beley. We're the founders of Awake Academy. This podcast mixes raw life lessons, expert wisdom, and practical tips to help you stop sleepwalking through life and start living it on your terms. You ready to wake up and thrive? Let's go. Before we begin, we have a quick favor to ask. If this podcast has been landing for you, please hit subscribe and leave us a rating or review. It helps us grow the show and keep bringing these conversations to more people. All right, welcome back, Dream Team.

means perfect humans. So, today we are going to do the work with Lael and give you an idea of a mini therapy session. Now, we don't know what's going to come up. In fact, I'm going to throw my notes away [laughter] and we're going to hand the reins over to Lael. So, Lael, welcome back to a wakeup call. We are today's wakeup call. Yes, it is imprint. So, over to you, Lael. Beautiful. Well, I'm very happy to have you both here and we will go gently. I'm a big fan of going gently. I thought what might be really powerful to work with both of you, but also something for your listeners, is really to look at I guess three main pieces today which I find are such core stories that come up for women again and again and again. So I want to touch on our relationship to self-care, to boundaries, and to anger. And so what I would love to start with is for both of you, I want you to just think about when you were a child growing up, what was modeled to you around self-care. So, I'll talk mainly firstly the women in your life, whether it was a mother, an auntie, stepmother, grandmother, just the women in your life. When you go back to being younger, what did you watch with them when it came to self-care? Did they, you know, look after their bodies? Did they eat well? Were they the type of people that were the martyrs and everybody else's needs came first? Did they never sit down? Were they always doing? For both of you when you think about, we'll just start with women in your life first. What was the role modeling or imprinting around self-care? So, my beautiful mother who listens to this podcast religiously. So, mom love you, but we're going deep. Um, a complex relationship to body image. Yeah.

just want to be curious as to what we've made that mean. Because as we delve a bit deeper, we will see that our current relationship to these topics is usually entangled with what was modeled to us. And it's not wrong, it just is. And when we can acknowledge it and see it, that's when we've got the opportunity to shift and change it for what we want moving forward and our kind of future generations. So, what about for you, Lane? What was modeled to you? Well, when I think about female presence in my life, it was limited and cut short. So the mother that adopted me died when I was seven. And my memories of her are very very limited. Mostly pieced together through photos. I do remember napping with her quite a bit. That was beautiful. But she was also a petite woman, had problems giving birth to my older brother, which is why they ended up adopting me cuz she wasn't able to have other kids, and died as a result of having cosmetic surgery. Wow. So perhaps there was an element of body dysmorphia or body image which we've explored together because she had — I've never put a label or an understanding around it. It was a choice that she made because she prided herself in looking good in a bikini. She had too much scarring on her abdomen because of the way they sewed her up after being rushed into an emergency C-section. So I don't really have any other memories of her. I know she drank coffee cuz the only time I drank coffee as a four-year-old was the dregs out of her coffee. [laughter] Probably why I don't drink coffee. But one of the things that I've always found fascinating, but I'm no therapist, was that she died getting liposuction. No, she didn't. Oh, what was the surgery?

female figures in your life. When you think about the male figures in your life, did they have any self-care? Did it look like just playing golf all day Sunday? Did it look like never stopping? Like what was modeled to you? Were you allowed to sit down or did you have to just keep doing, you know, don't be lazy? What was that from the male figures in your life? My dad got up very early every morning and ran the beach. So, he made time to exercise before going to work.

social activity, a lot of outdoor activity, a lot of adventure. Yeah. Beautiful. So it sounds like there was some beautiful imprints of play and being together. Yes. In that. Yeah. Beautiful. What about for you, Tess? Well, my father was a rollerblader, a balloonist, a paraglider. Like he always had other activities. A skier. Like he's always — I mean he's 83 and he still rollerblades and flies hot air balloons. [laughter] [gasps] But I never — like I'm not sure whether because I was brought up by my mom and my stepdad had majority custody. So I think there's definitely an imprint around that, around self-care and the cost of it. And my beautiful stepdad was a hustler. And I've seen him take care of more of himself now than I did when we were growing up because he's a trader. So long lunches, like big deals, go go — like he is the alpha male in that scenario. So I didn't see that side of self-care until — you know, everyone has a wakeup call. But I really saw him — what was modeled to me was taking care of yourself when it mattered most. Okay.

self-care. And everyone goes, "Yeah, yeah, I know." But usually there is a block around allowing ourselves to have it. And what I have often found is that when we get to that place of like, "Yeah, I know I need more self-care." We often actually don't do it because these stories and imprints often surface from the family of origin we grew up in. And the example that I often give is I had really no self-care until I kind of hit the wall and couldn't cope anymore because I come from a family of powerhouse women. They're amazing, right? And the message in my family is if you're not doing three things at once, you're lazy. So then when I became a parent and I was kind of stressed, I wanted to take a break. I wouldn't, because in my head the story came up of you can't sit down, you're lazy. So I kept going. So I didn't believe that I could have self-care. Now I have asked this question to thousands of women in different forums and talks and I usually say to women, put your hand up if you've ever daydreamed about going to hospital for a break. And I will say to you three-quarters of the room put their hand up — right when you guys are doing it. Yeah. And I often say, and everyone laughs, and I say there is something really wrong about our stories when we think going to hospital for a week is the option for us to get a break. Because actually usually what it's deeply connected in is to our society's belief around resting, taking a break of ourselves, nurture. It's usually connected to those imprints we receive from our family of origin around being the martyr, especially as women, putting everyone else's needs first. And when we're looking at how do we take care of us, I think we often have to disentangle those stories that sit there. Because the main themes that often come up for women are, I'll be lazy, I feel guilty, or if I have a break, then my partner's going to need a break, and that's going to put more work on me. This is usually connected often to mothers as well. Or there's other stories in there that are connected to, I just can't do it because then I'll be judged. And this is something that I think is so vital, as you guys would talk about as well — we cannot take care of other people unless we take care of ourselves. And so one of the big things that we first start with is what is our story connected to our relationship to self-care. And then I often say to people, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being amazing, my self-care is wonderful, I deeply nourish and take care of me. On a scale of 1 to 10, what number would you say that you're sitting at? Now, I'm imagining for both of you, it may be up towards the higher end. I may be wrong, but where would you say you guys are sitting at the moment on a scale of 1 to 10 as far as self-care is concerned?

a loving family, deals with a toddler and a 53-year-old toddler. Like, there's a lot going on. So, I have the flexibility and the luxury to say I reckon I'm around about a seven or an eight. I would have said you're a 10. No, I'm still managing. Yeah, you're managing — I'm not caring for very [laughter] well. But yeah, I'd say I'm definitely on the higher scale. At the moment, I'm probably about a six. I do fluctuate. I have a reality of what I am capable of too. But as you're talking, and you said, "Oh, it's great you have these positive experiences of self-care." Now, I'm holding back a bit because this is going out to thousands of people and I have a respect of my family in there. But the honesty is I have a deep fear of missing out on the mini moments. Yes. And the life.

day. I can't exercise. Like, I can't exercise throughout the day. I get really tired and fatigued. But yeah. I definitely see that self-care, I have a story or a belief, comes at a cost. Yes. Yes. Of missing out. Yes. Yeah. And I've seen that. I love my dad and I love his weirdness and it's taken me 83 years to love his weirdness. And it was when someone called me weird that I went, you know what, I actually am, and I'm going to own that, and I got that from my dad and I'm going to love the heck out of him for that because I have to love that within myself — and this is only a recent thing. Yeah. But I have seen, you know, hot air ballooning is a long thing, that people when they go away for self-care, I see the impact, cuz I've been that child that's felt like they've been left behind. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing that. I can really hear the tenderness around it. And I guess the question I would ask you is, particularly when there's that contrast of "but if I have self-care then I might miss out," I absolutely believe there's a way that we could all get our needs met. And sometimes we just have to be curious enough to go, how do I still have that beautiful connection with Benji? How do I still have those pockets of intimacy and love and playfulness and also meet my own needs? And that I think is often the rub that happens with self-care because we think it's either got to be one or the other. But I actually really take a stand that actually we can all get our needs met in some way. And sometimes it's about going, what's really valuable and important for me is these pieces with Benji, but also knowing that even though it may be those intimate moments in the morning, that can still be replicated at night when you put him to bed. And there'll be moments during the day where all of a sudden you decide to have a dance party and you'll be laughing and giggling together and they're those moments of connection. Sometimes it's just opening ourselves up to going, "What do I deeply want? I want to be deeply connected to my son and I also need to look after me. And so I'm open to the possibility of how that could look in many different ways." But sometimes the trick is to disentangle the threads and the stories we make around it, which again, I know you guys do so beautifully. [music] As a busy mom and an entrepreneur, I am constantly looking at ways I can optimize my sleep cuz when I sleep well, I feel amazing when I wake up. Micron Nutrition has an amazing product called sleep support. It has three different types of magnesium powder and passion flower which just help me feel a little bit more rejuvenated in the tiny bits of sleep that I do get as a mom. So visit micronutrition.com.au and use the code awake10 and get 10% off all of their products. Enjoy your sleep. I've been managing menopause for years and I've constantly been looking for something to help me create mental clarity, boost my immunity, and help me show up with more energy. So, we came up with Wake Up. It's only got seven ingredients in it, including a bit of caffeine, but cordyceps, turkey tail, ginseng, ginko, vitamin B, vitamin D, all really natural good stuff and it's good for you. So, if you're feeling a little fatigued and need that little boost, wake up is your pill. You'll find it on our website, awakeacademy.com.au. Yeah. The hardest part is getting in the car. Yeah.

and not being a mommy's boy. I mean, I was so proud of him as a 2-year-old when he said, "Bye, mommy." And it broke your heart, but I was like, "This kid's going to grow up strong." Yeah. Like, "Want me to start crying?" [laughter] You know, I'm not a baby. I mean, I'm not a mother. Are you ever okay with it? Like, is that — I would say just hearing those little pieces there, you know, perhaps the story is around if I'm not there all the time, then not only am I going to miss out, but our love may not be strong. You know, sometimes we got to look at the deeper story that may be sitting underneath that deep need. Because yeah, we do want our children to reach out, explore, come back, reach out, explore, come back. We want them to do all those things. And sometimes when we're holding really tight, the invitation is to look a little bit deeper as to what is the story of the fear that's sitting there. And that's where we can rework this imprint of "I get to be a deeply connected mother with Benji and also meet my own needs." So we want to change the story from "I can only do this or that" to my new mantra may be "it is safe for me to meet my needs and also be a deeply connected mother at the same time." What is the same dynamic with my husband? Um, yeah, do you — can you trust that? So... I'm three. Yeah. So, I'm his age [snorts] and my parents have just divorced. Yeah. Amicably. And I'm being moved from house to house. Yes. And I just want to be with my mom. Yeah. But I deeply want to be with my dad, too. But yeah, mom makes me feel safe. Uh, yeah. And I didn't choose this. Yes. Why am I being moved? Yeah. Why are you taking me away? Yeah. Well, why is she leaving? Like, why is mom going? Yeah. Yeah. Like, and I think that's what's so hard.

can see that, Tess. And I hear how big that is. And I so welcome your tears because the tears are the releasing part right now of just feeling the bigness of what that felt as a little girl. And also at the same time you can remember that that was your stories but it's not Benji's. You know, Ben is in a different — he has a completely different story. And sometimes — and you're so beautifully vulnerably sharing this — this is so often what happens, is the overlay from our pain when we were a child turns up in our parenting a lot, because there's a story there that goes "I don't want him to ever feel how I felt, so I need to be with him all the time." So he will never feel lost or he'll never feel abandoned or he'll never not know what's going on. So often what we do is we overcompensate for the pain that we might have felt when we were little. [gasps] And maybe it is that you just spend a little bit of time with three-year-old you and you let her know that that was a really tricky thing having to navigate that and everyone was doing the best they could. And what is it that you may have needed back then that you didn't get, and can you give that to the younger part of you, which then may allow you to actually feel less tangled when it comes to separating or when it comes to having to step away and come back and those kind of things, because those younger parts of you are feeling just a little more acknowledged. So it's not having to open up in your parenting. Yeah. Cuz I know that that doesn't serve him either. Yeah. Because it's like that — my anxiety around separation is I'm talking to the baby version of me cuz he's the same age. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny, when I was pregnant with Benji and the nurses at the hospital take you in for your first appointment by yourself, and they said to me, "Oh, this is normally the time where we ask you lots of personal questions around, are you safe, are you in a safe environment, and also let you know that as you grow as a mother, you're going to be revisiting the trauma of the age that you were at when your child is at that age." Wow. So three — the three stuff comes up. Four — your four stuff comes up. And it was been very helpful, but also quite frightening cuz I'm scared to get to like 16, 17, 18. Yeah. Yeah. But I said this to Lane, cuz we had a moment around me being pregnant that she was no longer going to be my baby anymore. [laughter] I was her number one. And I said, like, in the womb is when your stories start. And I was talking to Lane about this and she just started crying. And for you, that story of separation started happening in the womb, right? Oh yes. So I was conceived through date rape. So the separation of being held, nurtured, safe, loved, wanted — started from conception. Yeah. And I was very fortunate that my mom decided to keep me and chose not to abort me despite the circumstances of conception. And then her parents thought it would be best for her cuz she was only 16, that she would be too young to raise me. So I was put up for adoption at birth, but I was also 6 weeks premature. But then subconsciously something deep within me said, "I'm not safe here. I need to get the hell out of here." Yeah. So for me going back into the water every day is like immersing myself back there. That's my safe [clears throat] — and I'm very grateful that I've found that space because it literally does feel like I'm being embraced and held and nurtured in a place that most people have fear. It's where I surrender. I can't wait to get back there every single day. That's so beautiful, Lane, that you have found that healing in that way. Like that is so beautiful that that has found you, or you have found it, and that holds you in that way. Because as we're talking about here, exactly what happens in the womb, the way we are born, what happens in the initial post-natal period, our attachment stories — all those things have an impact on how we turn up in the world, let alone then the family of origin that we grow up in. Like it's big. And I often think it's so amazing that we humans can actually have remotely healthy relationships with each other [laughter] because there's stuff that we have, which is why being curious about our story is so helpful. Because even as you express that, Lane, knowing where you've come from in the story, that could play out in many, many different ways, which I'm sure you've explored over the years, but to be aware of it and to be able to go, "that was my story and this is where I've turned it towards and this is what it can be," is extraordinary. And I really do stand for that for all people, that we have the possibility of healing and we have the possibility of changing the trajectory of our stories no matter what has gone on, because we're such powerful humans, but we sometimes just need the tools and the right space in order to do it.

as I sit here now in a 30-minute therapy session, what are the tools that you would coach that woman — that me specifically, Lane — when we are triggered? Like, what's the third part of this therapy session that can help me?

right? Because we have to feel it. And you so beautifully there, Tess, just felt all those feelings surfacing around your beautiful boy and you as a little one. Beautiful. So already the healing is happening because you're feeling it. And then for me, the next part of that is to come back to just being really compassionate with the younger parts of us. Being compassionate with the mother within you who is doing all she can to keep Benji safe but also protect herself. And then the next piece is where we look to the future and go, well, what do I want this to look like moving forward? How do I want to feel? And that might be, I want to feel really anchored in my connection with Benji so that it's safe for me to leave. It's safe for him to leave. It feels good. It feels good for us. That may or may not be what you want. But what I'd be curious about is asking you, what do you want this to look like as you step forward in this relationship with Benji? I want to be empowered to live my life to the fullest. Yes. [gasps] And I would love it to feel freeing when I drive out that driveway, whether it's to the gym or to do this work, or for us when we're going to hang out [laughter] — to go back to Lael's house. Yeah. At the moment it feels constricting. Yes. But I want it to feel freeing, and I want to be able to give myself permission to be more present in those moments because I feel free, empowered. Yeah. [sighs] So a beautiful statement you might want to keep saying, or a mantra, might be something like "I am willing to feel free and living my life to its fullest whilst being a deeply present and connected mother," because you don't have to choose one or the other. You can actually have both. Do you believe you can have both? I feel you can have both. Yeah, when I'm on the stage, like, I get that. Like, yeah. Do you know my Oura ring says that I'm more stressed doing bedtime routine than I am on stage to 450 people? [laughter] Like in some ways work is easier than parenting. Of course. For me. Yeah. No, for many people, trust me. Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. But what I'm really looking for and what I really feel I am capable of is doing the best for him by not having that anxious anxiety before I go, cuz I know he picks up on it. And if I can't do it for myself right now, I'm definitely going to try and do it for him — it is free and it is safe to leave him and he's in the best care. It's just that moment of separation which I hated so much when I was younger. So it's free in that — the rest I've got. Yeah. It's just — yeah. And that's getting out the door. The place to lean into is that moment you talk about, the separating bit. I would spend a bit of time really just feeling into that 3-year-old you when you had to separate, feeling what that felt like, giving her those love and those words that she may have needed at the time. Because as you can heal those younger parts of you at three, the adult part of you is able to then turn up and actually separate from Benji. Because at the moment, 3-year-old you is saying goodbye. Yeah. Not adult you. And so we can really love on those younger parts of us and give them what they need. And you could do that journaling, you could do it just dialoguing in your head, you could take it to therapy, whatever you need — so that the integrated adult gets to say goodbye to Benji from an anchored place and we know that it's safe. So I think you so beautifully have just seen the threads, because we start off talking about self-care. It's always never really about what we think we're talking about. [laughter] But from self-care we go to — the story here is around "I don't want him to feel what I felt, so I need to do all this to make sure he doesn't." Whereas actually he's got his own story and he's got beautiful secure, by the sounds of it, attachment with you and your partner, and this is just a beautiful invitation to heal something that needs to be felt from the younger parts of you. And this is a gift, Tess, because when you heal this part of you, you have completed this piece of the story and it's not something that Benji's going to have to carry forward. Because what we often do — I'm ready for the next one — when we have all those stories, we often unconsciously place them on our kids' shoulders. So you being able to feel this and do this beautiful work which you're doing, that is going to create a freedom that he doesn't have to carry, and that will help to shift your relationship as well. Yeah. Well, thank you, Lael. Pleasure. We'll definitely take a photo or video of myself leaving daycare — and I'm the parent that waits to get in the car before they cry. It was meant to stop the first time, but I keep on doing it, which does show me that I do know that I need to do a bit of work on it. So, thank you for shining a mirror and a light. We had no idea where therapy with Lael was going to end up, right? I'm so grateful that it's landed here. Well, you're normally in the hot seat. I'm normally being therapized. You're normally in the tears. So, thank you for passing the baton. Thank you for shining a light of honesty and compassion on a subject that most of us don't tend to really understand. And when we don't understand it, we judge it, which then layers it in shame and blame and a victimized mentality and guilt. And it's actually just a representation of being human. That's all we're doing. We're human beings doing human doings. Human feelings. Human feelings. [laughter] Yeah. Human feelings. So, oh, I have no doubt this conversation will resonate deeply with our listeners. So, we're just so grateful that you've taken the time to share your wisdom and insights and skill set with us today, Lael. It's been a beautiful experience. My pleasure that you've taken the time out for us. My pleasure. What would you say to the person now who's like — we all see our stories through someone else's lens, right? Or through our own lens, but we say focus on the similarities of our stories — or, in this case, my therapy session today — not the differences. So to the person who's feeling perhaps a little bit triggered or something has come up for them, what would you suggest they do now? I mean, we highly recommend jumping on Lael Stone and doing a course, or ours, but what can someone do right now to come back to reality, cuz now I've got to go do a podcast with a neuroscientist. [laughter] So basically the question is, how does Tess recalibrate her center so she can deal with this [laughter] later? Yes. Well, I mean, put a pin in it. For me, when we do some big process work like this, I think sometimes we need to get up and we need to move our body. A really beautiful thing sometimes when something's heavy like that we've been feeling is to get an object, which can sometimes be a cushion or just something, and we just go, "This cushion is my feelings for the moment. I'm just going to put them outside or I'm going to put it to the side," just as a symbolic thing of "I can pick that back up later if I want, but I'm just going to put it there for the moment." I have done that often, of like, "I'm just going to put you there. I'll come back and get you." But also, after we finish this, I would stand up, give your body a shake, have a stretch — yawning, crying, all those kind of things are beautiful release mechanisms. So you've just done some beautiful releasing right now. So we have to just nourish ourselves back with it. A little bit of stretching, bit of moving, water, a hug — all those kind of things can help you come back into your center, sunshine. I love that. Well, Lael, thank you so much for being our therapist today. We think we're going to have you back on soon [laughter], and maybe we'll come on Human Beings, the podcast. Congratulations on reaching in the top five as well. I saw you there the other day. You were top two next to us. So it's so nice to see women doing the work with each other and supporting each other's journeys in this space. So from us to you, thank you. And to our dream team, come and join us in the collective as we do monthly therapy sessions. Maybe not [laughter] quite so deep as this one. And please follow or share this podcast if it resonated and we will see you next week. Toodles. Thank you, Tess. [laughter] Toodles. Toodles. Have you been listening to this episode and thought, "Mic drop. Maybe I'm ready to get coached or have some therapy, but you don't want to go all the way down and get a therapist"? Welcome to the Awake Collective, where we do monthly coaching to help people feel accountable, supported, and they keep on doing the work that you hear in this podcast. It is life transformative. Right, LB? It's a community of support and like-minded people who are willing to keep investing in themselves because what we do is we help people help themselves. If you've enjoyed what you've heard today, then the Awake Collective is for you. So come and join us at awakeacademy.com.au and join us for monthly coaching, a community that supports you and tools that you can use in your life to thrive. Let's go. See you there. Before we close, we just want to gently remind you that Awake Academy is not a licensed mental health service and this podcast is not a substitute for personalized mental health advice, assessment, diagnosis, or treatment. What we share here is general in nature and is designed to offer reflection, insight, and practical tools for everyday life. Therapy can be life-changing, and we deeply encourage you to speak to your GP about your mental health and wellbeing options. If this conversation brought something up for you, please do not sit with it alone. Reach out to someone you trust. Speak to your GP. And if you need immediate support in Australia, Lifeline is available 24 hours a day on 13 11 14. You are not alone.