The Juggle Isn't Purpose, It's a Habit You Can Break

Layne: Not really. Couples dressing. We're turning into each other. If you like our shirts, we actually produce these with a company called Selfawear, that's self, then A-W-E-A-R, selfawear.com. You can buy all the shirts that we have with sayings on them. Tess: This is one of ours. Do you know what I love about this one, or all of them? A portion of those sales goes back into the community. Layne: So we give people our courses. People who are doing it tough can be supported in doing the work.

Tess: And I love that bit about it. Layne: Me too. So today's episode, we're going to cover maybe two questions that we've got back from our community, because the other episodes went really well. We've got part one, part two, and this is part three of the Q&A. Tess: This could actually roll into part 12, 13, 14. If you like these episodes, please let us know. Put comments down below wherever you listen to this podcast, share it with a loved one, and we get to see the stats.

Layne: And throw some questions in there, what you'd like answered.

Layne: Is it only overwhelm, or are there other things when you're not motivated? Tess: It's the one that requires the greatest mindset shift for me. Because if I'm sick, I know I'm not going to be motivated. Layne: Well, duh. Who's motivated when they're sick?

Tess: Yeah, but if I'm fried, if I'm overwhelmed, if I'm burnt out, motivation is the first thing to go for me. Layne: And is it the motivation to take care of yourself that goes? Or the motivation to eat well? Tess: All of it. Let's wrap it up into self-care.

Layne: Let's talk about when we're both unmotivated, because it would be different. Actually, I know what yours are. You start to crave all things starting with C: chocolate, chippies, cake, cookies. Tess: And for me, and this is going to sound so interesting, I need to make a chicken soup. Layne: I know. That is weird.

Tess: It's like my body goes: overwhelmed, can't be bothered, need to make a chicken soup. Layne: Well, funny, I need to bake. That's what I need to do. It's being creative, it's being immersive, it's mentally stimulating and rewarding, because there's a great result as long as I do it well. Tess: But have you ever been so unmotivated that you can't bake?

Layne: Yes, I have. And similar to your situation, it's when I'm fed up, overwhelmed, have given too much of myself away, haven't given myself enough time. Someone said to us in a workshop the other day: "My ex-wife said to me, you give the best of you to everyone else and you leave the rest of you to our marriage." Tess: Yeah, that's not acceptable. Layne: Similar to Kirk saying, "Why do I always get the broken Layne?" That was because I had no boundaries and I had a fear of saying no.

Tess: That was a huge wake-up call for you. Layne: It was. But look, if you're losing motivation to do things that you love, then there's something else at play. There's something to look at there. And that may be a lifestyle change, a full pivot, or it may just be as simple as saying, "Nope, not today." And that's okay.

Tess: And andropause for men. Layne: Yeah, andropause for men, that's right. Cortisol dumping, testosterone low. If I'm feeling that way, one of the questions I ask myself is: when was the last time I had a blood test? Tess: I struggle with vitamin B. It's something that I got when I had glandular fever when I was really young.

Layne: Yeah, that's the precursor. I skipped glandular fever and went straight into chronic fatigue. Tess: That's your high achiever. And I actually saw a video of you on our socials. You were walking, you'd finished a competition, and you fell flat on the ground because you were so tired. What was that? Were you acting? Layne: Yeah, I was acting.

Tess: Oh, it was real? Layne: I know, I'm a great actress. No, I was actually surfing a wave, a super long wave, and I was coming back up the beach to go back towards the point to paddle out again. And I was exhausted. I knew the camera was on me, so I just turned it on. Tess: Oh, you're a performer. Not an actress, a performer.

Layne: Thank you. Tess: So, motivation follows action. I always think to myself: what can I act on right now? So booking in with the doctor, getting a blood test, or a therapist, just to uncover root cause and address the overwhelming feeling. And let's acknowledge, there's a lot to be overwhelmed about.

Layne: Yes, you can. Tess: Why do we have the life audit? Layne: Well, we want to get to the root cause. Why are you overwhelmed? Look at the diary, look at the calendar.

Tess: But it's so much better to do that from a regulated place. If I'm fried and overwhelmed and I look at my diary: what are we doing, cancel everything. Once you're regulated, that is a brilliant time, because you have clarity. Layne: That is true. And it's 100% okay to lose motivation. It's actually normal to lose motivation. Tess: So normal.

Layne: So this last weekend I had all sorts of plans, and after our workshop I was depleted too. But sometimes I need an accountability partner to lift me, to get me motivated, to walk me out the door and say, "Why don't we?" And I'm like, "All right, let's go." And same goes with Kirk. We know that walking after a meal is a really good idea, but we just need someone to suggest it. Telling Kirk to do something is like, well, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Tess: I was going to say, like asking a dog to do something it doesn't want to do. Layne: So I often say, "I'm going for a walk," and he's like, "Great, where are we going?" Invite yourself along anytime, my love.

Tess: But it's actually okay to lose it. And like you say, once you've found something that helps you feel better, when you've recharged, that's when you do a bit of a stocktake and go: okay, what's depleting me? Where have I perhaps given too much of myself? Am I giving too much away and not giving enough to myself? Now let's look at my schedule and go: when am I going to schedule in some rest breaks, or something that lights me up? Layne: So yesterday I woke up going: what are all the things I want to do today? Okay, I want to surf, I want to visit my dad, I want to clean out the garage, I want to clean out my wardrobe, I want to go to the gym, and I want to lay in the sun. And Kirk's like, "Right, where do I fit into all of that? And secondly, I don't believe you've got enough time in the day for all of that, so let's prioritise. Maybe while you're sitting in the sun..." Because I had to prepare for the podcast, he's like, "Why don't you read while you're sitting in the sun?" Perfect. Double whammy. Tess: Habit stacking.

Layne: Walking? Tess: Running. Which for me is like a slow pace. I can't do too much, but I focused on what I can do. Tess: And we did the challenge, and it was so good for my soul. Because A, I never thought I could run again. B, it was a slight jog. And C, I did it rain, hail or shine.

Layne: Beautiful. Tess: And it was my bare minimum. And I learned so much about myself in that. It was listening to my head noise. On the days I was so unmotivated, I had this voice inside my head, and I could watch it say all the reasons why I couldn't do it. And I was observing that voice from behind it, going: wow, the excuses are insane. Layne: Yeah, they're loud and proud too.

Tess: So it taught me so much about A, my voice, but B, that having an unmotivated day is normal. So: what is my bare minimum? For me, exercise would be a walk, and making a soup and having that as nourishment. Because otherwise you just go to the kitchen a thousand times because you can't be bothered to make food. Layne: And you're looking for everything simple, and normally that's shit. Tess: Yeah, normally it is. It just comes out of a packet.

Layne: It is shit. Processed food. Tess: And then the other bare minimum: I'm still working towards a meditation every day for 2026. Remember I got to May last year? Because I had a head injury. Knocked myself out. But this year I'm still going strong, and it's 10 minutes a day at a minimum. Layne: Beautiful.

Tess: And on the unmotivated days, I'm allowing it to be a five-minute breathwork. Layne: Still something. Tess: Yeah, it's still something.

Layne: And that's how you chunk big things down. Chunk it into micro-moments that are achievable. And then when you're in it, you find the motivation in it. Action creates motivation, which then builds momentum, turning it into inertia. So if I had to go to the gym, because I had a particular training schedule back when I was competing, and I really didn't feel like it, I would go and do the bare minimum, which would then motivate me to keep going. Layne: So if I was meant to do 20 minutes on a treadmill, for example, I would do five. Fortunately I don't have to do that anymore, I'd pay anything not to. But I would do a five-minute interval, and after the first five minutes: oh, I'm feeling pretty good. And then I would speed it up and speed it up until I got up to the 20. And then I'd feel really good about myself. Tess: I love that. And you know, on that 3K-a-day challenge, I'd say: okay Tess, just do one K. Because I've got a shorter loop and a bigger loop.

Tess: And the shorter loop leads into the bigger loop. And guess what happens? Layne: You keep going. Tess: You keep going. It's just putting one foot in front of the other. So to maintain momentum or motivation, have the bare minimum, or also have an accountability partner. Someone that's there for you.

Layne: That's why I have a personal trainer. There's no way I'd train if I didn't, because I need someone to hold me accountable. Tess: Or have a buddy that suggests a challenge. And we loved it. We were sending each other notes every day, and it became like a diary. Layne: Dear diary. "Dear diary, I am exercising today. I'm going for a one-K walk that turned into three."

Tess: Winning. It was. Like when you've got kids wanting food, it's raining outside, the dog's looking at you like, "Do you want to go for a walk?" There is every single excuse why I didn't want to do it, and I just got on and did it. Layne: The third tool to this, because we remember things in threes and we don't want to overwhelm everyone: growth exists at the edge of discomfort. So what are you avoiding? Is it accountability, or that you need to make a change in your life, or that you're doing something that is sabotaging you? What is the story behind it?

Tess: Let us know how you go if you're unmotivated, and some tools that other people can do. Because it really is: get out of bed and splash your face full of water. Icy water. Cold. Layne: Get going, get moving, put one foot in front of the other. And we've got to create paths of least resistance. So I have a yoga mat next to my bed, which is an invitation every time I go to bed: are you going to do your five minutes of yoga to calm the system down and get yourself ready for sleep? One of the ways to help you build the motivation is to remember a time that you did it, and how it made you feel. If it made you feel good, then anchor that feeling and go: I know that if I do that five minutes of yoga before I go to bed, Layne: I'm going to sleep better, and I love sleeping well. So it's a really easy invitation to just go: okay, I'm going to lie on the mat and do five minutes of yoga. Same with exercise in the morning: have your gym gear laid out ready to go, so it's an invitation. Are you going to put the shoes on? Or are you going to faff about, put on your jammies, get all warm and cosy, go and grab your cuppa, and then go: oh, run out of time, too late. As opposed to prioritising: all right, the gym gear is there ready for me, put it on, now go downstairs and have your coffee. All right, I'll go for a walk.

Mid-roll (both): We have a quick favour to ask. If this podcast has been landing for you, please hit subscribe and leave us a rating or review. It helps us grow the show and keep bringing these conversations to more people. Tess: And make it easy. The big one for me is: I pack the most incredible lunchbox for my son, and nothing for me. So now I pack it for me too, because it doesn't matter whether you work from home or the office, we deserve to be nourished as well. I even write him a love note every day, so I write one to myself: "I'm proud of you today." Layne: Nice. Yeah, it's been a good one.

Layne: First of all, I don't call it a juggle. Tess: What do you call it? Layne: How do I integrate it all? Like, it's a team.

Layne: I mean, you've got husband, baby, stepkids, our business... Tess: You. Layne: Another business, with me. It's like having another child. Exercise, health, therapy, injury. How do you manage it all?

Tess: I don't lay it out like that. Layne: Right. It'd be a little overwhelming if you did. Tess: It would overwhelm me. And I don't talk a lot about how hard it is. Because I've noticed something interesting: when people get together, what they complain about, and how much talking about it and complaining about it perpetuates it and makes it worse.

Layne: So the more you talk about how hard it is, the harder it is. Tess: The harder it is. I do have my moments. We have a mums' group, and I'm like, "This situation is really challenging," because I want other viewpoints, or I want to know how to navigate it better and see things differently. I feel like it's having systems around our life.

Tess: Week by week, and we have a weekly meeting where we look at the month, and then we look at the week. And we simplify it: home delivery, groceries. We're like the Uber drivers right now, because the kids need to go everywhere all the time. So that, I would say, is a juggle, because you're at different times always dropping people somewhere, cooking dinner, moving on. Tess: But just having a system around sharing the load, and talking about it, has helped us so much. Layne: Structure creates freedom.

Tess: Structure creates freedom. So how many structures can you implement into your life? I mean, you don't want to overwhelm yourself with too many structures. And we were talking about this before: it takes me two hours to get to our recording studio. And everyone, when I say that, goes, "Oh yeah, that's overwhelming." I'm like, well, it is if there's a crash on the highway. That's annoying. But I'm not the person in the crash. Layne: So, perspective. Tess: An inconvenience. But I use that time to call people, to listen to other podcasts, to listen to our podcast and learn how to do it better. So I've reframed that to be joy time. And I really enjoy it.

Layne: That's good. Tess: Yeah, on the good days. So I guess, to answer your question: it's reframing it, not going on about it, and creating systems so that I can enjoy it, rather than pity-partying myself. Tess: Because if I went back to Tess in the hospital bed, with nothing ahead of her, and I said to her, "Hey, this is going to be your life," it would be the best thing ever. It's all I've ever wanted: a loving husband, and a beautiful family, and a job that I really love, and a business partner who's just the best.

Layne: There were so many words you could have chosen then. Tess: Well, the best of us is the worst of us, and the worst of us is the best of us, right? Layne: So profound.

Tess: So I think it's just acknowledging what I've got. Layne: I used to pride myself on it. You know how everyone says, "Oh, how are you?" "Busy." I remember when you introduced me to your kinesiologist, and I sat down with her, and she's like, "Okay, so what can I help you with today?" And it was the first time I had put structure around the life that I was living. Not even structure, just words

Tess: So did you work with her on that? Layne: No. We went into childhood trauma straight after that. But when I came out of there, I was thinking: everything I'm saying yes to is costing me time with the things that I love Layne: the most. It's costing me time with Kirk, it's costing me time in the water, and it's costing me my health and wellbeing. Those are my three priorities in my life. So what am I going to stop doing, so I can start doing more of that?

Tess: Okay, so often when we go to therapy, we go in saying, "Hey, this is my life, I need help," and then you go back, and it actually is a root childhood trauma, which is where it took you. So that you could then say: why am I doing this? When she took you back there, did that help you realise why you had Tess: taken on so much? Layne: I don't think so, no. I do recall going back into the relationship with my biological mother. So perhaps there was some self-worth and love in there.

Tess: Saying yes to everything and everyone, to feel loved? Layne: Because I felt abandoned and rejected by my own mother, perhaps. I don't recall the response to it, but I just remember the feeling when she said, "Wow, that's a lot." It gave me a moment of perspective to go: actually, yeah, it is. Layne: But because I was just surviving it and doing it, I didn't see that there was anything wrong with it at the time. Other than Kirk getting annoyed that I was spending every spare minute... I was also filming a TV show, so when I'd come home I wasn't even present, because then I had to go and manage Dad. And I'd started to share that load with my siblings, but there was so much going on. And there was almost a part of me that was thriving on being able to juggle so much.

Tess: Oh, okay, so now we're getting to it.

Tess: And please, as Layne and I are going deep into your juggle, or your story of juggle: what are you juggling for? To the listeners, coach yourself through these questions as well, because Layne is just a vehicle, or a mirror, for you to learn right now. So if you are feeling overwhelmed, or juggling: what does the juggle give you? Layne: Gives me something to talk about. Because today, when people are like, "Hey, how's life?" Layne: I'm like, "Good. I've got nothing to complain about. I'm going surfing, and hanging out with Tess, and doing a bit of work, spending time with Kirk. There's not much going on."

Tess: So it gave you worth. Layne: It gave me worth. It gave me belonging, because everybody's busy being busy. It made me interesting. It gave me moments of connection and understanding with others. It equipped me with a deeper understanding of myself, so I could help others manage the same shitshow that I was in. Layne: But also, once I stood back from it and had a look at it, it gave me perspective. I went: okay, something's got to give here.

Tess: So the juggle gave you purpose. But did it really? Layne: The juggle did not give... yes, you're right. Actually, that's it. It gave me purpose, but no, it did not. Okay: it gave me purpose, but it sucked the life out of me. So it's not really purpose at all. Tess: It gave you a passion project.

Layne: Yeah, it did. And when you are immersed in the juggle, I had put myself into the middle of it,

Layne: No, the hamster wheel couldn't get off me. Because I had put myself into the middle of it. None of this will actually operate without me. So the first thing I had to do was start looking for a succession plan at Surfing Australia. Then I had to start looking at where we were going to put Dad, because I couldn't keep him at home. So I had to start looking to someone else to care for him, and the options. And navigating the aged care system in Australia is an absolute nightmare. Layne: So that took a lot of time. Tess: Plus the emotional load of ageing parents.

Layne: Yeah. So the juggle takes a lot of mental load, emotional load and physical load. So perhaps the first question you need to ask is: what's the cost on you right now? What can you let go of, to keep going? What are you willing to let go, to keep going? Tess: I see people with so many activities, and kids' activities, and busy, busy, busy, doing tick, tick, tick-box. The latest research, in terms of connection, to feel loved, with your kids, Tess: so that they connect with you, is 10 minutes.

Layne: A day? Tess: Yeah, of undivided connection time. Undivided attention. But we're so busy going to every single sporting event, stacked-up sporting teams, ballet, music, sport, something. And there's so much pressure on that. It's like: how can you withdraw a little bit, so that you can have those connection times, where you're out on the grass with the family, or you're crawling around like a dinosaur, Tess: or you're actually reading together, or doing homework together, rather than outsourcing care for everyone else? And for you, I remember I said, "So are you actually having fun with your dad?" And you're like, "No, I'm just so busy looking after him, I can't actually be with him." And you started to build resentment towards him.

Layne: I did, yeah. Because I was exhausted, and I felt guilty, and then I would take it out on him, and then I felt ashamed. And I wasn't being the person I wanted to be, because I'd positioned myself as being the caregiver versus the daughter. Layne: And then when I did the Fortify Your Dream Team questionnaire with my sister, she basically wrote, "Can we talk about other stuff, other than just Dad, when we catch up?" It just became all-consuming. It became my life, and I didn't know how to get off the hamster wheel. Tess: All right, so for the juggler, the overwhelmed person: one, get therapy. And have a step back, do a self-audit: what are all the things you're juggling,

Tess: I was going to throw in there just a tool that we've learned time and time again, which is the physiological sigh. Layne: Oh, yes. Some breathwork in between your day. I feel like I need to do that right now. I'm actually stressed about all the things I got stressed about. Tess: Are you?

Layne: Yeah, because we're talking about it. Tess: Would you like to do one? Layne: Yep.

Tess: So it's a deep breath, like an 80% breath in, and then a sip to the top. And then let it go, a slow exhale. So wherever you're listening right now, just take a deep breath in through your nose, a sip up the top, hold, and let it out through your mouth or your nose. And it's the exhale that brings you calm, clarity, and puts you back into your parasympathetic nervous system. How do you feel? Layne: Nice. Thanks for bringing me back. Tess: You're welcome.

Layne: Woo! I was triggered then. I went straight back into caring for Dad. Tess: You were overwhelmed, talking about the overwhelm. So stop talking about overwhelm and start doing something about it. Because talking about it, as we know from the science: if you're venting about how things are, they get worse. Layne: They get worse, and they decrease your happiness, and the happiness of the person you're talking to, by 30%.

Tess: I think we need another breath. Layne: So what about you, TB? In the moments where, as we all know, we go through these seasons: how are you able to reconcile in the moment, so you don't end up like me, where you don't end up drowning under the integration, as you call it, the juggle, as I call it? How can we encourage someone to pull the handbrake, just for a moment, and go: stop, get some perspective, so you can manage from here? Tess: We are all human, we're all working it out. I'm not perfect. The structure that I've put around my life is because I've burnt out. Chris and I have been tense because there's no boundary around time, or we're just busy being busy and not actually emotionally connecting with each other.

Tess: So a lot of this comes from failing, or falling over. I learned about myself: okay, what am I like when I'm tired, burnt out and over-juggling? I'm no fun to be around. I sabotage myself and my wellbeing. And that's enough to make a change. So it's understanding what season we're in, and creating structure around it, and knowing you can give yourself grace, you can fall back. Tess: That question is like the overview effect. I'm always doing that with my life now, because I know what it costs if I get it wrong. I am privileged in the fact that I'm not caring for a sick child or a sick parent, and that puts a huge amount of strain on somebody's life, on a huge level. But trauma is trauma, and pain is pain. So I just give myself a bit of grace to get it wrong, and to bounce Tess: back. And every day is a new day. I know we're all in the sandwich generation, thinking about raising children and dealing with ageing parents. And my advice to anyone who finds themselves in the struggle of the juggle is to give themselves a bit of grace, give themselves permission to step out of it for just a moment. Because it's too easy to find yourself stuck in it, and believing that none of this will operate or survive without me. And in actual fact, it will.

Tess: So give yourself permission to just step out, and take a deep breath, and go: okay, how sustainable is this right now? There are a lot of reasons why we believe we have to be in the middle of it, whether it's financial, or emotional, or physical, or there's no one else to do the job. But outsourcing, and seeking support, and asking for help has been one of my greatest growths in this. Actually asking for help, and knowing that I don't have to have all the answers, and I'm not the solution to all the problems. Layne: And it's okay to get it wrong from time to time, because as you say, that's where the growth does occur. Tess: Yeah. But it doesn't require a massive stumble to grow. You can actually grow through joy and fun as well. And just having the permission slip to sit in that from time to time and go: okay, I got this. I got this. Tomorrow I might not got this. And that's 100% okay.

Layne: So the next time you're juggling, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like you don't have this, we just ask you to take a pause. Do the physiological sigh, or the box breath, Layne: whatever breathwork works for you. If you are anxious, don't force yourself to close your eyes and do a meditation. Go for a walk without tech, and get some space and headspace. Tess: And then be honest with yourself. I always love pen to paper: what do I need to do? What can I let go of? What can I say no to? And what can I do to fill my cup up today? Or what can I vent about on pieces of paper? Dump it out.

Layne: Don't take it out. Dump it out.

Tess: But we do have a lot of those people in the Awake Collective who are helping people get out of the struggle and start living a life that you enjoy juggling. Layne: I'm a terrible juggler. But I can have fun doing it. And I think that's the joy of life: the joy in the struggle. Tess: The joy in the juggle.

Layne: The joy in the juggle. Tess: And another tool is our book. If you can't afford a therapist and you need somewhere safe to navigate your way through these seasons of life, Tess: then pick up the Awake Academy book and find your way through all the...

Layne: Juggle your way through it. Tess: Juggle your way through all the tools, and the science, and our stories. All right, Dream Team. From us to you, thank you for the Q&A with us, and thank you everyone who submitted the questions. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us some comments, send us some messages, because we love working with you. Like it, subscribe, and share it. We are here to serve. Have a good day, Dream Team. Bye. Tess: Have you been listening to this episode and thought, "Mic drop. Maybe I'm ready to get coached, or have some therapy," but you don't want to go all the way and get a therapist? Welcome to the Awake Collective, where we do monthly coaching to help people feel accountable, supported, and keep on doing the work that you're hearing on this podcast. It is life-transformative, right, LB?

Layne: It's a community of support and like-minded people who are willing to keep investing in themselves. Because what we do is help people help themselves. If you've enjoyed what you've heard today, then the Awake Collective is for you. So come and join us at awakeacademy.com.au, and join us for monthly coaching, a community that supports you, Layne: and tools that you can use in your life to thrive. Let's go. See you there. Voiceover: Before we close, we just want to gently remind you that Awake Academy is not a licensed mental health service, and this podcast is not a substitute for personalised mental health advice, assessment, diagnosis or treatment. What we share here is general in nature, and is designed to offer reflection, insight and practical tools for everyday life. Therapy can be life-changing, and we deeply encourage you to speak to your GP about your mental health and wellbeing options.