The Grief Episode: Turning Pain Into Purpose
Nov 17, 2025Episode 6 · 17 November 2025 · 43 min
With Layne Beachley AO & Tess Brouwer, featuring Mitch Wallis
About this episode
This conversation sits where many of us are living right now: caring for kids and partners while also preparing to say goodbye to the people who raised us. Tess and Layne open with a real-life audit, naming the season they are in as the sandwich generation, and invite their friend Mitch Wallis β founder of Heart On My Sleeve β to help untangle grief with honesty and practical tools. Layne shares the raw reality of grieving her 86-year-old father through dementia, the daily waves of ambiguity, and the courage it takes to keep feeling rather than numb out.
Mitch explains why uncertainty supercharges grief, how to 'undensify' big feelings through presence, and why an emotion has to be felt to be released from the nervous system. He walks through the five well-meaning mistakes we make when supporting someone in pain β the magician, the thief, the blind optimist, the helicopter and the ostrich β and lands on the most healing question of all: 'What are you going to miss about them the most?' Together they model emotional regulation, co-regulation and the courage to feel it to heal it, then close with a clear toolkit: stop fixing, start listening.
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Key takeaways
- Name the season. Do a life audit. Layne and Tess start by naming the reality of the sandwich generation β raising young kids while losing ageing parents. Naming it reduces shame and sets a shared frame for support.
- Ambiguity is the real weight of grief. Mitch explains why the brain craves certainty and how daily unknowns create relentless waves. Use presence to 'undensify' the moment and return to what you can hold right now.
- Anchor in the body to regulate. Mitch's quick reset: 'light, bright, tight, might.' Light softens the belly, bright opens the chest to radiate love, tight gathers attention behind the eyes, might grounds healthy power in the pelvis.
- Feel it to heal it. An emotion must be felt to be released from the nervous system. Bury it and the body stores it as physical or chronic illness. Choose safe expression β breathing, crying, journal dumping, drawing, grounding in nature β and feel it now together rather than later, alone, with compounding interest.
- Ask the most healing question. Stop fixing, start listening. Don't try to wave a magic wand or jump in with your own story. Lead with care, sit in the mud with someone, and ask: 'What are you going to miss about them the most?' With enough love, grief can be carried β because grief is a love disorder, cured through the medicine of care.
Chapters
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Transcript
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00:00Introduction▾
Layne Beachley & Tess Brouwer (00:00):
00:38A life audit and the sandwich generation▾
Mitch Wallis (00:38):
01:31Why grief β bringing in Mitch Wallis▾
Mitch Wallis (01:31):
02:33Regulating your nervous system before hard talks▾
Mitch Wallis (02:33):
05:49Light, bright, tight, might: anchors in the body▾
Mitch Wallis (05:49):
08:53Where Layne's at: grieving a father with dementia▾
Mitch Wallis (08:53):
11:54Why ambiguity is the real weight of grief▾
Mitch Wallis (11:54):
16:39Pre-grieving: presence without wishing time away▾
Mitch Wallis (16:39):
20:21Holding space when someone's head in the sand▾
Mitch Wallis (20:21):
21:58Feel it to heal it: the pain the nervous system needs▾
Mitch Wallis (21:58):
25:07The five mistakes we make supporting grief▾
Mitch Wallis (25:07):
35:07The most healing question to ask▾
Mitch Wallis (35:07):
38:56Rapid fire: busting the myths of grief▾
Mitch Wallis (38:56):
41:00The toolkit: stop fixing, start listening▾
Mitch Wallis (41:00):
Frequently asked questions
What is this episode about?▾
Layne, Tess and guest Mitch Wallis of Heart On My Sleeve unpack grief with honesty and practical tools β why ambiguity makes grief so hard, how to regulate your nervous system, how to feel it to heal it, the five mistakes we make supporting others, and the single most healing question you can ask someone who is grieving.
Who is Mitch Wallis?▾
Mitch Wallis is the founder of the mental-health charity Heart On My Sleeve and author of Real Conversations. A mental-health advocate who lives with OCD, anxiety and depression, he joins as the podcast's resident psychologist to help navigate grief and emotional regulation.
What does 'light, bright, tight, might' mean?▾
It's Mitch's body-based reset for regulating in the moment. Light softens and shakes off tension in the belly; bright opens the chest to radiate and attract love; tight gathers attention behind the eyes to honour your own separateness; might grounds healthy power and masculine energy in the pelvis.
Why does Mitch say you have to feel an emotion to heal it?▾
Because an emotion must be felt to be released from the nervous system β like tearing muscle at the gym so it can grow back stronger. If you bury grief, the body stores it and often converts it into physical or chronic illness. Safe ways to feel it include breathing, crying, journal dumping, drawing and grounding in nature.
What are the five mistakes people make when supporting someone in grief?▾
Mitch names five well-meaning archetypes: the magician (trying to fix the problem away), the thief (jumping in with 'me too' stories), the blind optimist (rushing to 'look on the bright side'), the helicopter (losing themselves in emotional contagion), and the ostrich (opting out because emotions aren't their thing). All come from a good place but pull someone away from the pain instead of joining them in it.
What is the most healing question to ask someone who is grieving?▾
If the loss has already happened, ask 'What do you miss about that person the most?' If you are helping someone pre-grieve, ask 'What are you going to miss about them the most?' The question opens connection and lets the person feel and release the emotion safely, rather than storing it.
Guest
Mitch Wallis
Founder of Heart On My Sleeve, mental-health advocate and author of Real Conversations
An honest, practical guide to grief β how to feel it, share it, and support someone through it without trying to fix them.
