The Blame Game: Dropping Shame and Owning Your Part

raw life lessons, [music] expert wisdom, and practical tips to help you stop sleepwalking through life and start living it on your terms. You ready to wake up and thrive? Let's go. Let's go. How are you feeling today, LB? Out of 10. Yeah, TB, I'm feeling around about a six. [laughter] I just had some wake up, so I'm looking forward to being an eight in a very short period of time, but in the interim, mterum or interim, carrying this thing around um drains the energy out of me. Yeah. So, we're dealing with some injuries today. We are dealing with life today. Yeah. Life is lifing. What happened to your foot? Look, I wish I could tell you. Everyone keeps asking me, "What did you do to yourself?" I don't know. Can we make something up? Well, yeah. I kicked Kirk too hard. [laughter] I kicked a shark in the head. I don't know. So, it's a series of events. So, I started soft sand running and started doing a lot of sprints. It's my short interval training that Dr. Stacy Sims advised me to do, and I love it, but now I miss it, and I can't do it without shoes anymore. Can I put a caveat on this? Dr. Stacy Sims told LB to do five 30-second sprints. No, actually she sold me. Well, yes, sorry. Five 30 second intervals, high intensity intervals, but the world champion in her upped it to sand sprints. I like being on the beach [laughter] and in the sun and being extreme and outdoors and competitive with myself. So I started soft sand sprinting and that combined with the the change in the sand texture uh and density um a bunion on my left foot which squashes my toes and perhaps menopause so weakening of my bones has resulted in what my physio likes to call is a stress fracture but there's no fracture in the foot. So this is preventative before it fractures. So it's good that you caught it. Yeah, it is good that I caught it. I only had swelling in my foot for a week before we uh decided to do something about it cuz it didn't hurt when I surfed. So, I thought, "Hey, it's not interrupting my surfing. Then, let's just live with it. It'll go away sooner or later." But she made me get an MRI

all of the things. I'm on all of the things. cuz I'm doing all the nutrition, all the rest, but I have to have my foot up. Otherwise, if it's down too long, it swells and that's not good for it. Okay. How are you feeling today? Well, we're both a bit tired because it

what he's done with tennis is quite big. What do you Who did you want? Acres to win. I was torn. I wanted both of them to win. I'll always go for the champion. I I said to Kirk on when I was sitting on the couch till 11:00 last night watching the game and I said to him, I should be going for Alcarez, but I'm kind of going for the Joker. And he's like, why that why is that the case? And I said, well, I want the champion to win. And he said, but Alcarez is number one. [laughter] Oh yeah, that's right. Young bull, old bull. Yeah. But I actually wanted to talk to you about this because on the court it's like surfing. It's just you and your mentality. Yes. So what did you observe as a world champion and looking at other world champions? What do you see that no one might not look at?

I noticed with Joker early on is I had a feeling after especially the the really long match that he had against SA, he was going to be a little bit depleted. I was watching whether he was going to start looking for excuses and in my eyes he did. Yeah. Yeah. So after that first set, he he was I knew he was going to come out with guns blazing. Almost to the point where I thought I reckon he knows that the only set he's going to win is the first one. Once Alcarez finds his flow, that guy can cover any corner of the court. Amazing. But then he starts looking for the crowd to lift him. This is a joker. Starts looking for the crowd to lift him. Gets a physical timeout. Gets the physio to come. Like has, you know, shows distress in his sternum. His eylight. Yeah, his eyes were bugging him. He was, you know, his body language shifted from being confident and upright to now bending over, looking down, resting on his racket, showing signs of

you in your

beat me in the final when she was a freshfaced 17year-old, maybe even 16. This year it was the young 14-year-old in Cararissa Moore who was the American champion, touted as a future world champion, ultimately went on to win five world titles. How old were you? I was 34, she was 14. Oh, so this is almost Docker and Alcarez. Almost. Yeah. Almost the same situation, the same scenario. And uh deep down there was a part of me that was feeling tired, feeling overwhelmed, had just come off a great break. um wasn't really looking forward to being back on tour just yet and so mentally I wasn't in the game wholeheartedly. So therefore I found physical challenges or physical issues that I needed to have addressed. So instead of just focusing on what the processes I need to follow to get the job done today, I took myself off to the chiropractor and the physio prior to the prior to the heat. Not something I would normally do. Had ended up with tape all over me. Look everyone, I'm broken. Yeah. So, I have a good excuse why I can't win today. [laughter] [gasps] And of course, I paddled out not wholeheartedly conf 100% confident, not really focused. Um, knowing that this kid is phenomenal. Um, and she comboed me, which means I needed a combination of two scores to beat her. Being a seven times world champion, being comboed by a 14-year-old was demoralizing. Really? Even though that you knew that that you knew. And you know what was really funny is I said to Steph Gilmore before I paddled out. Well, I gave her advice around surfing with your head and surfing out of your head and surfing with your heart. And when I came in, Steph said, "What happened to the heart?" Yeah. It was obvious. She's like, "Why weren't you surfing through your heart today?" Oh, that's actually very wise, Steph. And I saw that with um Sabalinka. Oh, yes. and she writes on one of her um coaches and trainers like what she needs to take into the game. So, no pain, no gain or um where does she write it? She she writes it on one of the coach's ey line like under his eye or on his head. Yeah, it's become like it's a good fun decompression for her before the game. But the words that she uses are really interesting. So, no pain no gain. Interesting. Um, and on the gr on the final it was mentality and I would like what do you feel about that? That's an interesting one. I want to know what you feel about that. Well, I would just love her to put heart like fire, embrace, power, like really positive words cuz it actually also signals to her component. Ah, she's feeling like what can I get her in her mentality if I just keep working at her? So, it's giving you ammo as well. um giving the other team insight and she also never went to her coach's box. Whereas the other player, she was there all the I mean he almost over coached her every point. He was in her ear but she was listening whereas Sabalanka just was in her in her head by herself out there and I felt like it like I would love to see a bit of a game. What was your word on your board if you could write anything? Breathe. Yeah. Okay. Something really simple cuz it's the breath that regulates your nervous system. It's the breath that brings you back into the present moment. It's the breath that connects the mind to the body. It gets you out of your head and back into your flow. It's the simplest thing to use. Yeah. Alcarezes was believe. Yes. Well, that shone true. [laughter] Smashed it. So, what do you do in the turn in in today's topic? We're talking about blame game and the shame that surrounds it. And what happens when you drop the blame game to set yourself free? So in your quest for seven world titles, you share a story to me around blaming everything and everyone except yourself. Can you give us context of what that looked like for you? Yes. So in the first seven years whenever I lost, it was never my fault. It was someone else's fault. It was my boards, the wax, my leash getting under my feet, the waves not showing up the way that I want them to, the weather, the wind, the judges not seeing it, my peers getting in my way. It was always something something outside of me, always someone else's fault. until I realized that the common denominator to all of my pain and suffering and blame was me. I had to do things differently.

He's like, "Well, what's it going to take?" I said, "100%." He said, "Well, how much are you giving it right now?" M not enough.

I became aware of the fact that I was blaming everyone for my disappointment, I had to ask myself, is it true? And what can I do to change that? Because I can't keep blaming everyone for my disappointment when I realize I'm the one that's causing it. So once I realized that it was me that was doing it all, I had to just stop myself in my tracks and go, okay, what's an alternative? Yeah. What's the what's a different way to go about it? Did you have to write a list? It's like how would people [laughter] because like what we know about blame is it creates a bit of an illusion of control. So you were trying to control everything and everyone but yourself% cuz it meant you had to look within. Yeah. Yes. And that's scary. It is so scary to look within. And cuz for me it looked like I had to shine a light on everything I did and didn't do in my life. And all of the times I had to escape personal responsibility, right, by blaming. Is that how you often escaped responsibility? Yeah, absolutely. I think anytime you can blame someone else to avoid taking responsibility, I would take it. Um, but deep down, you know, and that's when blame turns to shame. Yes. And that's why we're so passionate about shining a light on blame to liberate you. so that you're not going to bed or I like in shame. And the challenge with blame is a lot of it is a result of poor communication. Yeah. And we all have these beliefs that we've actually communicated in a way that's made it very clear and perhaps our memory has failed us because as we know our memories aren't that reliable. And if 50% of our memories are correct, the other 50%'s made up by a story that makes us right because as we know we'd rather be right than happy. And your story in that case was it's everyone no one else is supporting me the way I need to be supported. Yes. Yeah. Also, I have a fear of success and a fear of rejection. And those two fears are driving my behaviors. Yeah. I didn't realize the fear of success as much as I realized the fear of rejection. And it wasn't until I stopped and asked myself, well, what is it about success that I could possibly fear? Well, I'm afraid of being put on a pedestal. I'm afraid of being seen as an obnoxious that's, you know, winning all the time. And like cuz I had judged successful people as being obnoxious So [laughter] I didn't want to be that person. I was ignorant to my own obnoxious assholeness. [laughter] And you still got blamed for being. I still got blamed for being that. Yes, I still get called out for that. [laughter] And look, I'm not going to deny the fact that at times, yes, I was an obnoxious but you had to do what it takes, right? Well, that's what I believed it took. Yeah. And so I'm grateful to see that that being I'm grateful to see that being disproven today by the world champions of today in all sports. So should we talk about the science of shame? Yes, let's do it. So it is so important

So when we feel threatened, overwhelmed or unsafe, our brain is looking for consistency and control. So you can control what you think about somebody else because it's easy. The brain prefers comfort even though it might be discomfort. So, for example, it's harder to go and look within and make changes versus it's even easier for you to I'm going to do that again. Yeah. The brain prefers to do the most comfortable thing. So, in this case, it's just blame someone else. It's seeking safety and control. That's right. Safety and control. So, I'll blame someone else. Okay. But if your brain wants to do something different, create a new neural pathway, it actually has to shine the light within and look at what is triggering me right now, right? Why am I feeling discomfort? What is it that I can control? So in your case, instead of blaming the wax on your board, what did you do? I accepted the fact that I chose that wax and used it that day. You up. I did. Well, then I went, "Oh, I just I chose the wrong wax." [laughter] [gasps] It was it was it's actually really simple but it as you say it take it means taking ownership. It means going oh damn it. And did you feel pain in that moment? Did you feel I felt resistance towards oh I've got to own this and then I just went and then when I owned it it it liberated me. It let it actually let it go. I was able to live, learn and let go. I was just like ah yeah. Okay. So next time choose better. Yeah. Do better. Yeah. Otherwise, if you're constantly in this blame game, which activates the stress response and keeps you stuck in this freeze, fight or flight, then you become easily triggered and you're always reacting to events. You stay stuck in a blame cycle. Yeah. Which then in exacerbates your shame and now you're kind of overreacting to a series of events and now you feel like you're constantly under attack by everyone and everything. And I was constantly under attack. Yeah. By myself. I was attacking myself all the time. Well, what I want people to hear in this moment is blame covers pain. Yes. Well, that's what blame is. It's looking for a safe place to land. Yes. It's looking it's a it's a place for pain to land. Yeah. So, when blame terms inward, shame then goes outward. Right. And how does that show up for you? Uh the itty bitty shitty committee, poor

everything that you do. And that shame then, how that shows up in a variety of stories that keep you stuck in, right? Is that what happens? As a busy mom and an entrepreneur, I am constantly looking at ways I can optimize my sleep cuz when I sleep well, I feel amazing when I wake up. Micronutrition has an amazing product called Sleep Support. It has [music] three different types of magnesium powder and passion flour, which just help me feel a little bit more rejuvenated [music] in the tiny bits of sleep that I do get as a mom. So, visit micronutrition.com.au AU and use the code awake 10 [music] and get 10% off all of their products. Enjoy your sleep. I've been managing menopause for years and I've constantly been looking for something to help me create mental clarity, boost my immunity, and help me show [music] up with more energy. So, we came up with Wake Up. It's only got seven ingredients in it, including a bit of caffeine. [music] But cortiseps, turkey tail, jinseng, ginko, vitamin B, vitamin D, all really natural good stuff and it's good for you. So if you're feeling a little fatigued and need that little boost, wake up is your pill. You'll find it on our website, [music] awakeacademy.com.au. You know, I don't even know. Yeah. And I feel like we're constantly repeating the patterns that we were taught as a kid. And I was just looking for safety in those moments. So that's all that I knew. I didn't know how to regulate my nervous system. I didn't know how to take a breath and go actually that's not about me. That's about someone else's projection of me. So all of this what we're feeling now in blaming and shaming is just old patterns increased. Look for the patterns. Look for the patterns. And the funny thing about blame is when it's projected upon us. I don't know about you because I'm a people pleaser at times I will now blame myself. So I'll accept the blame and go okay yeah I got that wrong. Sorry for triggering you. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry for upsetting you. when in actual fact it's only you can trigger you. Yes. Interesting. You just reminded me of a story that happened at the gym yesterday where a woman came up to me and said, "I have three kids. Two of them are adopted. One's from Ethiopia and she's 12 years old and she's going through that hormonal phase where she's angry and she doesn't know why I chose to adopt her and can't make sense of where she belongs." Oh, that would be so hard for her. She's like, "Have you got any advice for me?" And I said, "Well, it's hard because this child is going to keep pushing your boundaries and blaming you uh because she doesn't feel safe and doesn't feel like she belongs." And that's all she's seeking is safety and belonging. So, you actually have to withstand that blame game and sit in it and embrace her and make her feel safe and make her feel like she belongs no matter what she says to you. Remembering

that safety of of comfort and belonging. I said, you're doing an amazing job. She's very lucky to have a mother like you. So, you just need to do whatever nourishes your soul in these moments and not take these attacks personally. Not blame yourself for this because you've done the right thing. You've given her a life. You've given her love. You've given her safety. You've given her family, but she's going to have to navigate her way through that and she's just going to keep pressuring you. Yeah. And isn't that a beautiful way of her realizing who she is in that moment? And you could insert any story of a kid into this. And even just having the awareness that sitting in frustration, sitting in pain with your kids and letting them know, okay, you can feel like you don't belong or and yes, you've got all of the evidence in the world to suggest that you don't belong, but I chose you. Yes. Yeah. And it's like, and I'm grounded and here with you in that moment. And we've so quick to and I am so guilty of this. Trying to wave a magic wand. Yeah. trying to fix things like as a mom, as a stepmom, as a wife, like even business partner, I am trying to constantly patch things up when really someone just wants me to sit in the pain and say, "Yeah, I actually feel like I don't belong." Yeah. And that's the validate me. That's the tool right there. It's having the courage to sit in the pain. Cuz I did say to her instead of trying to fix it, solve it, change it, I encourage you to sit with her and use our story framework and ask her, "What's the story you're telling yourself about this right now?" She's like, "Oo, I like that." I said, "Yeah, get curious and get her to sit with her feelings and emotions." And I said, "One of the ways I love to do that when I can't make sense of them mentally because they journal together." I said, "That's a beautiful tool. Maybe get her to start drawing her emotions so she can start creativ creatively expressing herself as opposed to just through the written word." Yeah. Or just like rage slap. Yeah. Get the tennis racket and the pillow. [laughter] Go right ahead. Snap that thing. So this is the question I want people to ask themselves as we ask ourselves this as well is where in your life are you blaming someone else or yourself? Y because what it does is it quietly leaks your energy. Yeah. It's exhausting. That's what we've identified. So are you a blamer and a shamer of yourself? I'm blaming myself for this. Yeah. You know, when I sit there and ask myself the question, where in my life am I blaming someone else or myself for something? You're like, why do you blame yourself? Well, I'm blaming myself for being for pushing myself too hard. When in actual fact, I didn't know that I was pushing myself too hard until such time as my foot swelled up. [laughter] You didn't you didn't at all. Cuz I would look at that and go, that's interesting cuz you do have a pattern of pushing yourself and learning too late. But you're right 100% because I thought that was the best way. That was the only way I could get the best out of myself. It's so hard not to be a world champion in real day life. In everything. [laughter] It's all I want to be is the world champion in everything. [gasps] Is that too much to ask? We had an interesting one cuz I was like, "Where are you blaming or being blamed?" And I recall you blaming me the

it, came back, and it was gone out of my diary. And I called you and went, "Well, no, I text you because I was too angry." [laughter] I went, "What happened to this 9:00 a.m. call? Where is it?" And you put me in my place and said, "Well, you've never shown up to one of them ever." [laughter] Oh, yeah. Unless we had an agreement that I would let you know if you're needed. Yeah. And that if you wanted to show up, you would text me beforehand. And my annoyance was, well, you didn't delete it out of my diary before I went to the beach. You're in control of your own diary. I know. But it was just the message that I got from you. And it was so interesting cuz we're going to talk about tools in a minute for if you're blaming someone else and if you're blaming yourselves cuz it's clearly tools that we need to know and that's why we do this. And you carry the load. So you I thought you would just accept the blame. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I got the message and the message said, "I have planned my whole morning around this meeting and you've cancelled it." And I sat there and I thought I just like watched me reading the message like almost like an outof body experience and [laughter] I thought, "Well, this is interesting cuz it's not a tone we normally have with each other and I just thought, well, I can either just say sorry or I'm just going to tell you how I really feel." I didn't put it into chat. I actually just wrote it [laughter] like rage right into chat and say, "Can you make this softer for me?" [gasps] No. And I just I just said stated the facts. It was really clear and you just wrote back, "Okay, love you. Bye." [laughter] [gasps] So, that was a clear indication of us putting this into practice. So, we're going to give everyone a toolkit. Now, if you see yourself blaming someone else or if you see yourself blaming or shaming someone else or worse, blaming or shaming yourself, this is a tool for you. So, blame is normally hot, fast, and heavy. It was for me. I got that and I thought, "Wow, she's blaming me for ruining her morning and justify and I was like combat. [laughter] I am ready to fight this." So, name it without judgment. So I'm blaming right now. Did you do that? No. [laughter] I was too hotaded. I was hot and fast. I'm like, "No, you ruined my day." Yeah. And I thought, so in retrospect, it was like, I'm being blamed right right now. Like I'm not I'm not going to take that. I'm just going to take a moment. Awareness is the circuit breaker. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So then regulate before you speak. So before respond before responding and this is I actually did this unconsciously but consciously is took a breath dropped my shoulders lengthened my exhale. Yep. And then just thought okay how can I approach this with clarity now? Yeah. And I was just waiting. You know when you see the little but the the three lines come up on your text message I'm just like okay what's she coming back with? Dot dot dot dot dot [laughter] dot dot. Come on. I should have just left you on dot dot dot. Don't leave me hanging. Okay. Ask this is really key. Ask the freedom question. So that is not who's wrong. Ask what is in my control right now. Subconsciously I went there and I thought well what is in control right now is actually the way I set out those meetings long term to give you freedom in the mornings. Yeah. Thank you. So we put those rules in place so that you could go for a surf and do your beach sprint. And I happened to conveniently forget that point because it was in my diary and I forgot. Yeah. So knowing you can control that moment gives you agency which brings calm, clarity and presence into the moment that you need and the blame keeps your threat alive. Yeah. Know I could stay in the strength. And here's the thing. I did rant to Kirk. I was like, "Damn it, Tess has let me down today." And then he was backing me up cuz he's a great wingman. Oh yeah. Yeah. She should have. She should have. should have, would have, could have. Yeah, I know. I can feel it. Yeah, don't worry. I went to Chris, too. [laughter] Sometimes we do need an outsider. But he was really good. He was like, "Well, how how have you normally set up those meetings?" Yeah. Okay. All right. Thanks, Kirk. Yep. [laughter]

like I had this instinctive kind of thought and feeling right before I went to the beach and went I should text test just to make sure that I'm not needed for this meeting and I thought no it's the first one of the year I'll just make the effort. So I didn't trust my intuition. There you go. I always make massive mistakes when I chose the wrong board. [laughter] I chose the wrong board. [gasps] So in that responsibilities I can own my part. I should have listened to my intuition and blame sounds like this is Tess's fault. It's all your fault. Hey Kirk, listen to what Tess did. She ruined my morning. [laughter] So one builds connection and the other one builds defense. So you would have been very you would have been armed and ready to go. Well, I was in a defensive mode. You were very connected and it helped me find a state of connection when you threw it back at me and I just went, "Ah, actually you're right." So when Kirk checked in with me and he's like, "What did Tess say?" I said, "Well, actual fact it was my fault." Ah. [laughter] Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What did you learn from that? [laughter] Well, see, it's interesting when you say my fault, but I do I don't go like, "Haha, there's no fault." I just really feel that in order for us to coexist in a friendship, business relationship, and just in life in general, the rub of those moments really matter. Yes. So if I came back in combat or just said sorry that wouldn't we wouldn't have grown. No. So I really use that because we don't conflict that often. No we don't at all. So those things that may sound quite simple or trivial but to us that was pro a big moment. If you said sorry I would have just gone. Yeah. As opposed to seeing the part that I played in it. I wouldn't have had the growth. We wouldn't have had the growth. So people pleasing in blame moments is actually really unhealthy and it creates long-term connection. Sorry, it prevents long-term connection. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I love that. So if you want, you can replace blame with curiosity. So what's going on for you right now? Is everything okay? Did you sleep well? [laughter]

that curiosity and that compassion softens your nervous system. It puts yourself in their shoes. I don't want to be in your shoes right now, but I could have been. I don't think you'd fit in this. [laughter] and it helps me really see you as a soul. And when you wrote back, um, okay, I love you, it was I actually didn't need anything else. Like that was it. Yeah. It was like, I accept it. Move on. Yeah. Yeah. I accept the part I played in it and I appreciate being called out on it. And I love the fact that you made it very clear for me to understand that I actually got it wrong and that's okay. And a good um note for me was, okay, we need to reestablish. It's a new year. Let's reestablish the rules. Yes. Or the tools that you and I can both do better. Biggest illusion of communication is that it actually happened. Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. The assumptions. Yeah. And assuming makes an ass out of you and me. So it's really important that we have clear lines of communication. So if today's episode topic, blame and shame has resonated, know that this is a path that all of us can grow through. We talk about knowing yourself to growing yourself. And this has to be one of the most fundamental moments because for me blame kept me awake at night. The shame was toxic to me and I'm still working through it and clearly we are too. Especially when you're in hospital. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's for another episode. Okay. Wow. So if we keep ourselves aware and growing ourselves in every single moment and it's the micro moments where this where you really do shine a light on shame and blame. Go gently. There's a lot of freedom in finding peace from within. There's a lot of freedom for forgiving yourself. And there's a lot of freedom when you're not blaming someone else for triggering you. You actually take responsibility in what you did. Then you've there's a heap of freedom in that, right? And ownership without punishment does change everything. I think we're too hard on ourselves. We punish ourselves for making mistakes or getting it wrong or feeling the shame of hurting somebody else because that's what blame ultimately does. So, it's really important that we own the hurt and own the part that we've played in it and then just let it go. Yeah. Move on. So, if you're ready to stop doing this alone, this is why we created the Awake Collective, so we can stop the blame and shame game inside of us and learn and grow together. So, come and join us in the Awake Collective. This has been your weekly wakeup call. Now, if anything in this conversation has stirred something within you, join us on our socials or at awakeacademy.com.au. Stop blaming. Stop shaming and free yourself to live your best life. Know yourself and grow yourself. We'll see you next week. Bye. Have you been listening to this episode and thought, "Mike drop? Maybe I'm ready to get coached or have some therapy, but you don't want to go all the way down and get a therapist. Welcome [music] to the Awake Collective where we do monthly coaching to help people feel accountable, supported, and they keep on doing the work that you hear in this podcast. It is life transformative." Right LB? It's a community of support and like-minded [music] people who are willing to keep investing in themselves because what we do is we help people help themselves. If you've enjoyed what you've heard today, then [music] the Awake Collective is for you. So, come and join us at awakeacademy.com.au and join us for monthly coaching, a community that supports you and tools that you can use in your life to thrive. Let's go. See you there.