Stop Carrying Other People's Luggage

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All right, Dream Team, welcome back to another Ask Layne and Tess solo episode. We have got two absolute banging questions today. Yeah. And they make me feel good because I love talking about this subject because I feel like it drives everything that we do in our lives and how we show up. Can you guess what it is? No. Don't keep me hanging. It is energy.

So, and it's an interesting way and I know we're going to get back to it, but this is the particular question that we got.

Because we can go everywhere with this one. Well, look, the question is quite broad because she works with negative people, but, or he, they work with negative people and they want to know how to stop people in general from impacting their emotions. Yep. So, as we know, emotions are energy in motion. And they are contagious.

And they last in your body for 90 seconds. But when you wrap stories around them, they last in your body for seven years. Yep. Positive emotions. Yes. Like 25%, 10% the butterfly effect. Negative emotions. Do you know what the study is? 30%. 52%. 52 to 57%. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Because negativity and fear is stronger. More powerful.

Cortisol actually is sweated from out of us. Yeah. And we catch it. So, if someone walks into this podcast of you, pheromones, and there's stress, it can pass on stress to the rest of the group. And perhaps as a child, if you're around parents who are quite aggressive, they're negative nancies. Negative nancies. You're going to be triggered. Through fear. Yeah. You're going to be triggered. Who can relate? Everyone? Yeah. I would say so.

I think we all can think about the negative person in our lives. It's worse if it's a family member. Oh, it's harder, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's times when I feel like my family don't even like me. So there's times when I'm really triggered by the potential of conflict or disagreement. And that is hard to deal with.

But if you're working with these people daily, that's a real challenge. Because it's really difficult, especially if they're your manager. It's very difficult for you to disassociate and just see them as a human being.

Because we all want to feel that sense of connection and safety. Because that makes us feel like we belong in that environment. And when we feel safe and connected and belonging, then we bring out our best selves. God.

And you're like a leader or someone you work with, you want to look up to or even just respect them. Yeah. And like, I don't know. I don't respect anyone who comes in with that negative energy. They don't care though. No. Those are those kind of leaders. They're not. They're ruthless, aren't they? Well, they're not emotionally intelligent. They lack empathy. They have no compassion for themselves.

It's kind of like what I was when I was winning those fear-based world titles. I was ruthless. I lacked empathy. I lacked compassion. I had no love for myself because I was on this relentless drive in pursuit of success. What do you think it would have been like if I met you then?

Do you think I would have been friends with you? Well, we both like to drink at that time. So yes. We loved rosé. That was how I connected with my peers, was about the hole in self-destruction. That was the fun lane. Jeez. You're way more like you. Yeah. Way more fun when you drink. Yeah. It's true. I was at the garden. Yeah. I still had no. According to Kirk sometimes, yeah.

So yeah, working with toxic people who are negative nancies or you don't feel secure around them is very, very challenging to navigate and negotiate.

It's just that the way they operate, they're master and commander kind of leaders. They like to tell. They like to dictate. They like to walk out of the room. And then just everyone feels like they've just been bombed. And that's how they as leaders believe they can bring the best out in their people. Yeah. Through the fear. Through the fear. That's not always the case. But how do you deal with these?

How in your life, how have you dealt with a dream thief? Well, I know my natural default response to dream thieves, and that is freeze fight or flight. I... Do you know the other one? What? Fawn. Fawn, yes. You become... Yes. Yes. No. I'll do it. Whatever. Okay. I (expletive) hate you. Sure. Everything is fun. Yeah. So, I often go into freeze and flight. I very rarely fight with them. That means I will retreat and silence. I will allow their voice and their words to become the only voice in the room.

And I will just silence myself and never stand up for myself and never speak my own truth because I don't feel safe enough to. One because I don't feel like they'll hear it, two because I know they won't respect it, and three, they may reject me. So, it's much safer just to silence and retreat and just say, "Okay." And go into fawn. Sure. Yep. Yep. You're right. Yep. Whatever. So, how did you break out of it? First, through awareness of it.

Secondly, through understanding my relationship with that particular individual and knowing that that is a very consistent theme in my life, then I have to ensure that I have the energy to withstand that energetic force field. If I'm coming into that environment or that engagement depleted, then I might as well just walk in silent and not with any ideas. Yeah.

What are you doing to protect your energy? And how are you showing up? This... Well, the opposite... Well, no, sorry. And to that point, when you are looking and analysing your own energy, be really honest about where you're focusing your attention. Because your energy is a reflection of your external world. It's not dictated.

It's not determined by the external world. It's an inward reflection. So, if you've got this story, "Work sucks, my manager's an (expletive), going there every day is..." Like you're going to war. Like you're going to war, then your energy, you're always going to be on guard in a state of whatever. Yeah.

Well, you're literally getting chased by the sabre-toothed tiger every day. Yes. And going in there looking for all of the negative things. You'll find a whole lot more negative things, which will ultimately go from perhaps you'll maybe going through the seven stages of grief.

You may be angry and then depressed and then in denial and then you'll go through those waves based on the amount of energy you have to withstand that experience or that interaction. The good thing is that you get to choose how often you engage with this person so you can put boundaries around your time, even if they're your manager. You can still put boundaries around your time and how you engage with them, but you have to ensure...

Well, I know I have to ensure that I have filled my energy cup with things that lift me up and prepared myself to step in and own my truth with the understanding that the possibility that I may be rejected for that. Yeah. And be okay with that. Yeah. There were these moments with friends and family where I've stood up for my truth and as scary as it was, it was really satisfying. Yeah. Liberating. It was. One of the things around energy and so there's like, are you looking after your whole wellbeing? Yeah. What is that? Well, food, nutrition, exercise. Hydration.

Hydration, therapy or journaling or meditation, something that's in a work. The second bit is, when is your energy okay to deal with this person? Yes. I know when I come across energy thieves or dream thieves. Energy vampires. Yeah.

I have to talk to them in the morning because when I'm tired and depleted, I become a yes person where I become... Agreeable. Agreeable or I'm just clouded, so I'm not able to make a rational decision. So knowing that if a boss or a loved one having those tough conversations early is so much better for your own wellbeing.

So that would be number two for me, is how am I managing my energy? What can I do to work with this person? Yeah. I think knowing your chronotype, right? Am I a morning person or nothing? Yeah. When are you most energised? When are you most clear? When are you most productive? When are you least irrational? Yeah.

And they're trying to mask it or hide it. I see everyone as little toddlers, little seven-year-olds even, throwing themselves on the floor because they're going through something in their lives. So I try and step myself back from it and realise that their (expletive) is not yours to carry.

And in addition to that, if you have that self-awareness and that self-compassion and you're able to extend it, you can then stand in your truth and say, and this is where I've had to learn to use my voice to let people know how I feel because I've grown up in this tough love environment where I've crafted this story that I believe I deserve to be treated that way for some reason, that I deserve to be trodden on, that I deserve to be silenced, that I deserve to be put in my box, and I deserve to stay there. Now I've learned that if I say, "When you do this or when you say that, it makes me feel this way," some leaders, some people don't even know that what they're saying is having an impact. I know. They're so emotionally unintelligent and detached, they don't even know that they're triggering you or saying something that's disrespecting you.

Or they've got a lot of pressures that you don't see that they're trying to buffer you from and they're not even aware that the way that they're working with you is coming off negative, although I have to call (expletive) on that as well. If you're a leader and I'll always come back to self, how are you showing up for your team? But I've worked with leaders who, you don't know what's keeping them up at night, right? That's what you're saying? Yep.

And secondly, they don't actually let the team know because they've created this story or expectation that it's their job to solve it. But I am sure, and I know that they are, they know the way that they're working with their team. They're getting negative feedback or they're getting a 360 degree review that doesn't represent them well. Well, they just don't care.

Or maybe they don't, but that's where you have to make a choice. Do I want to work with this person anymore and take accountability of that? Yes, but I feel like the strongest one for me as part of that toolkit is to find my voice in it and say, "When you say this to me or when you behave this way or when this happens, it makes me feel this way."

As opposed to laying the blame and pointing the finger at them. Another diffuser is, "Can you help me understand what's going on because I feel like I'm not doing enough?" Yeah. And then they're like, "Oh, it's not you. I've just got..." And then you get a bit of... It's not you, it's me.

Yeah, you get a bit more of an insight into what's going on in that person's life or expectation and it diffuses it because you make it about you, not them. What's the nature of relationships, right? Isn't it? Especially with your closest loved ones, I know, you know, if Kirk's upset, the first thing I think is I've done something to upset him when in actual fact, I have to ask the question, "Why are you upset? Is it something I've done?" Yeah. No? Okay, I'm resolved. Yeah. I'm out. I'm out. See you. Deal with your (expletive). See you after I've gone for a surf.

Yeah, so I think that that's a really big one is like, don't carry what's not yours. It's not about you. Don't let their anger make this a story about what you are and what you're not doing. Stop carrying other people's luggage. Stop carrying other people's luggage. All right. Are we ready for the next one? Yes. Bring it on. Okay.

My first thing is honour the season that you're in and then what story do you have around ageing? Yeah. I mean, a lot of people have a pretty negative story around ageing. And you've got the proof points because you need more pain, ailments, wrinkles, I mean, forgetfulness. Change. What? What was I going to say? (expletive) menopause. That's awesome. What do you call that? A meno moment? Meno moment.

It's just when everything pauses, even your thought patterns, because you can't think of the word, but having a compassionate relationship with ageing is a beautiful place to start. I love the intention of wanting to be your best self. Who is that? Because my best self today is very different to my best self in 10 years. Yeah, that's such a good observation.

I'm very different to my best self that was 10 years ago. Yeah. I hear a lot from everyone, and they always pick 25, my mind is 25, but my body is otherwise. I feel like people are, and I do too, sometimes I'm like, "Gosh, I still call the adult." I'm like, "Oh, you are the adult." You are the mum. You are the responsible one. That's it, you are.

So it's how do you be your best self at any age or stage? Right. You have to identify what that means in that particular stage, and be realistic about it too, because like we say, if you're thinking that you're 25 years old, but your body's saying, "Actually, no, you're 55 years old," then you've got some unrealistic expectations in yourself. Very unrealistic expectations. How do you be your best self?

So being worthy of rest, but also being worthy of energy, worthy of connection, worthy of love, worthy of success. So that's been a real game changer in both of our lives, is establishing that really clear one-word mantra that holds relationship with yourself, that doesn't require you to lift a weight. Yeah, exactly. It's a mental fitness weight. Yes. And the third one that I would like to bring into this is if you are doing the basics right, the seven doctors.

There is so much science around ageing now about what we need and what you want in life, because what you do in your 40s hits you in your 50s, what you do in your 50s hits you in your 60s. So I know I want to be a grandma that runs around with her kids and her grandkids and is alive and well. And for that, I need to lift weights, eat protein, look after my mind, body and spirit.

I can't run a marathon, but I can go for a 3K. Do you really want to run a marathon? No, I don't. But then I feel that we put ourselves into these extremes around best self, to your point. What does that mean? So I'm always living for my future self and focusing on what I can do.

I got trapped in what I can't do, so I didn't do anything. I got paralysed in that, so focusing on what I can do. And I've watched my mum take this on. She's realised she was so fit, but she was just doing walks.

And then she listened to our Dr Stacy Sims episode and was like, "I need to be lifting weights. I need to be eating more protein." And she switched from being a vegan to eating meat again. Wow. Yeah, and she's now in the gym. She's adventure grand. She's adventure granny. What she does when she takes care of Benji is like, "Can I come? That sounds like so much fun." Yeah.

She's here to do some work, she's like, "Right, we're going to go walk across the bridge and then we're going to go to Luna Park and then we're going to go and sit in the sun and have some lunch." She's like, "I want to come with you." Yeah, she is. Shout out, mum. Shout out to mum. The way that you have really taken on this next stage of her 70s, she looks younger than ever, fitter than ever. And she really just took on the advice that she heard and went, "I'm going to make some changes." Yeah, beautiful.

And I really admire that, that you can change at any age. You can change at any age. It's called neuroplasticity. Yeah. And it's hard to change. Yeah, it is hard to change because with change comes a sense of loss. Yeah. And growth at the edge of your discomfort.

But you can teach an old dog new tricks and you can relearn and we've got so much science out there now. Yeah. Like, I would just be putting it into Claude or like a therapist that you trust, like, "What can I be doing for my age to help me age with Grace and my best self?" Or go to a GP, start there and get a bone density scan and work out where there may be gaps and start focusing on just filling one gap at a time. Don't do everything at once.

I think that's really a big common error that people do. It's like coming away from an Anthony Robbins seminar and thinking that you're just going to transform your whole life overnight. You're going to become big and you're going to start doing meditation and yoga and Pilates every day and you're going to start doing all of these things and it just becomes too much.

You want to be able to carry the groceries home on your own. You want to be able to bend down and pick up your grandkids and lift them up. So if you think about all the actions that you need to do in your 70s, how can you build the strength and the resilience now to ensure that you can do them then?

Don't wait till then before you start doing it, you need to start doing it now. We have a quick favour to ask. If this podcast has been landing for you, please hit subscribe and leave us a rating or review. It helps us grow the show and keep bringing these conversations to more people.

Yeah, when I did my personal training degree, it was all about basic movements to squat, to move from side to side, push and pull that you need for your whole life. Yeah. Like they really just strip you back to the fundamentals. I also had a bit of an epiphany too, is if you haven't watched Blue Zones on Netflix, do it.

It goes around and it shows you all of the people who were 100 years old who are still dancing, squatting, walking, cooking, alive and thriving at a stage in life where most people are in homes. So watch that to give you that inspiration of what does best self look like and what is possible when you're doing things that give you connection and joy, number one, that help you maintain your basic body movement so that you can travel and play with your grandkids or however that shows up for you and eating foods that give you energy, vitality and purpose. Yes. I absolutely think that that is changes your brain chemistry when you watch that. Yeah. What is it? Documentary. Documentary, yeah. We'll link it. Because it can't be what you can't see.

So if you can't see it within your own life, seek inspiration from somewhere else so that documentary is a good plan. Love it. Next question. This is a big life one.

I had to learn this the absolute hard way in hospital. And me, the boys and I came up with, and it was not something that hasn't been published before, but this is happening for us and not to us. And just that mindset shift helped every setback come out for me, not to me.

And I even remember in order to go from hospital to rehab, you had to pass all of these tests. And one of the tests was a urodynamic bladder test because they tested like a spinal cord injury affects your bladder and bowels. And mine, I just couldn't get the test right.

And I sat with this machine on me for like two days. And I had to pass the test before I was allowed into rehab and I couldn't get it. And it was just like one blow after the next.

And then like it just showed the level of injury that I had was affecting me deeply. And my bladder still is really affected. And I remember thinking, this is so (expletive).

I'm lying here in a neck brace with a thing hooked up to my bladder. And my bladder's not working now. Like life is (expletive). Why is this happening to me? Why is this happening to me? And then I started to accept it and I started talking to my bladder. Was there something that just flipped or did you get so sick of asking why is this happening to me? And there's nothing changing. Everything was staying the same.

It was so funny because like the nurse would come in every hour ready for trial and void. And I was like, ready. And I just started to learn that I had to accept this thing for life or this injury for life. And it was a really big lesson for me. And in that, and then as I started to accept it, I started to get better results. I wasn't fighting it.

So for this person who's asking, they're piled on, there's so many things going wrong one after the other. Let's talk a little bit about the acceptance of this for life. Because accepting it for life doesn't mean it's going to be your life.

How did you draw that distinction in that moment where you're like, all right, I accept that my bladder is going to be weak without just thinking my life's (expletive). I'm broken. I'm in a spinal ward. No one's ever going to love me. I have no house. I have no life. I have no life. I'm going to wet my bed for life. Wet my pants for life. How's anyone going to love me when I just wet my pants all the time? Oh, you know, I can't even believe that these stories come up because I never go this deep with my injury.

I always sort of like skip around the surfaces of it, even though it was painful, and I don't even think I wrote about it in the book or talked about it in the course. Something new. Yeah. And God, it's making me so emotional, like, you know, I had to accept it in myself. And as I started to accept it, I just, I was able to talk about it differently with my doctors instead of fighting it.

And then they came up with a plan to help me get to rehab quicker because, okay, she's got it. How can we work with her? So it became, everyone came on board with me. And even as close to about a year ago, I was sitting at a cafe and I often wet my pants when I'm out, but it's manageable.

And I was sitting at a cafe and we had friends, like, say, 10 metres away from us who were coming over to say hello. And I wet my pants.

He threw a glass of water on your couch. A whole water jug. To rinse them? To be like, it's fallen over. Oh, right. And then he called the waiter and was like, oh, no, we just spilled a jug of water. Good play, Chris. And the friends came over like, oh, no, what happened?

And I was like, because I was, what I was wearing wouldn't hide it. And I think, oh my God, like, they're at the moments that you fear the most in when life is awful to you. It can have two different effects. But here I was with someone who loved me deeply enough to just go, which, yeah, but I knew exactly what he was doing at the time.

And the waiter comes over and they check and I'm like, oh, I'm sorry about your cushion. And my friends like, oh, no, do you need some clothes? So it was like, did you pour another bucket of water on the cushion? So funny.

It wasn't like it was very emotional at the time, but I just thought, wow, that that girl, if I could have told her that this injury would bring you a love greater than you'd ever imagined. And it did. I would have never found Chris unless I went through this pain. But they're the silver linings. So to this person, I'm sorry for sabotaging your story, but I had to tell mine to do. I don't believe you did.

I think you elucidated something around even when you've accepted it. It still evokes the emotion and you're still going to have to process whatever those emotions are. But it's the story you get trapped in that will keep you stuck in the pile on.

If you can change the story, you're changing the channel, you're changing the narrative, you're now able to live a different story. It doesn't mean that part of you doesn't exist anymore. It still does. But the relationship that you have with that part of you has changed. Yeah, it was like radical acceptance. Yeah, right. Like, okay. And not okay. Oh, no. Yeah. Not even okay. Yeah. Like, oh, (expletive). Yeah, so. This one sucks.

I would say that anyone who's when it keeps on stacking up, it's like, accept and what can I do? Accept and what can I learn? Accept and who do I need to help me? And then like in that is a silver lining. It's just like you are capable of getting through this.

The only way through is in and getting the tools and getting the dream team around you and using it as a time, like maybe you need to change a lawyer. Maybe you need to have a conversation. Maybe you need a new doctor or a new best friend to help you through it because like the universe is saying to you, something is wrong, you need to change it. Yeah. And unless you listen, you'll keep coming. Yeah. And change is scary. So scary.

And you literally, you're reliant on every medical profession at that moment in time. It's really scary to go against that, but you're not going against that. You're actually going with it now because you're not denying it or defying it.

You're actually embracing it and going, okay, this is my lot for now. I accept it.

And the one thing that inspired me to do that or ignited that internal flame was fear. It can't just be love. I was scared. I was (expletive) scared because I was now in depression and suicidality. What were you scared of? I was scared of killing myself. Like I was scared of ending my life for no good reason other than I didn't know what was going on. Because you were so fatigued. I was so exhausted.

I was so, wow, I was so just, yeah, fatigued, mentally, physically, emotionally, I was completely depleted. There was nothing left. Yeah. I can't win another world title. I can't even go surfing. Yeah. I can't win a world title. The thing that you love for most. This was two years before I even won my first world title. So you were a victim. A hundred percent. Yeah. And it's very easy to be a victim. So much harder to be a victor. But to do that, you have to embrace the fear of it. Nothing good ever comes easy. No. But I say that with an asterisk. Yeah. Because it can come effortlessly. It's effort. It can be fun. You still catch the same pass.

You just deal with it better or easier because you've got the tools, the framework. It doesn't hit you in the head. You just pass it on. You catch it and keep passing. Yeah. Yeah. So in those moments, it's really about taking stock of yourself, asking the question, one, why is this happening for me? Not to me. Yeah. Well, how, not why, how is this happening for me? What can I see? Okay. Yeah.

It's a different, because why is still a victim to me? Yeah, right. Yeah. How? Yeah. What's one thing I can control? Like the people that help me, the lawyer I see, the friend that I have, yeah, the way I communicate, the boundary I set. And then what's one action I can take? Yeah. And it's, for me, it was going within. I had to sit in the pain. I did a million Joe Dispenza meditations because I realised what fires together, wires together.

So what was that rhetoric that I was telling myself over and over and over again? So how did I change the story or the frequency that I had in myself? And that really did change from those meditations and that journaling.

So if you want to change the outside world, change the inner world. Yeah. So you don't go, if you don't go within, you'll always go without. Have the courage to close your eyes and listen to the (expletive) that goes on in it. Okay.

And you get a very clear read on why this is happening for you. And then knowing that you can rewire your brain. And it is, it's proven by neuroscience every day that what you focus on expands.

And that is the power is like take back control of your life and your story. And then one day you wake up and you found a husband who's pouring water all over you after you've wet your pants. Yes. Thank you, Chris. Chris cleaned the cushion too. Oh, yeah. Gosh. There we go. Why did that make you emotional? That someone loves me enough to do that? Oh. Yeah. It was like the greatest act of love. That I felt, or have felt. I mean, there's others. Of course. Of course.

But when you're injured, things like that really shine a light on it. And when you find someone, I mean, it could have been a best friend. My mum would have probably done the same.

Because the alternative is to have someone go, "Oh!" Yeah. What are we going to, like, freak out? (expletive). What do we do? Yeah. I didn't bring a spare pair of pants for you today. Why didn't you do this yourself? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So. (expletive). You've done it again, Tess. Yeah. They just broke that fear cycle that I had. Nice. Baptism of fire. Hey. Yeah. All right.

This is a big question, but where do you see it? Well, my first word is in the environment because without it, we don't survive. So my hope and optimism is in people who believe in it and invest in it and take care of it.

Take care of it and nurture it for the future generation. Nice. Mine is I feel like the world is waking up, hence why this is called a wake up call. And I feel like more people are asking questions of how can they do better themselves and taking self accountability because yeah, we can't change unless we change.

I feel like we need to send out all of the like G20 summit, like all of the political leaders of the world, every prime minister, president or king up to space. I'll do the overview effect. Do an overview effect. And have a look. Maybe micro dose them at the same time. Yeah. That's what we would do if we were chief of staff of the world. All right. Buckle up everyone. Micro dose trip to space. Come on, sign me up. Okay. Your go to pep talk when your own confidence dips.

My go to pep talk when my own confidence dips is you've got this. You've got this. You've got this. We even have a t-shirt called you've got this because that's what we say to each other. Yeah. Yeah. You've got this. Wake up every day. You've got this. You've got this. You've got this. You've got this. You've got this. You're being strong. Surfing. Meditating. Looking in the mirror. Yeah. Saying you've got this. Surfing, surfing, more surfing. And sun baking. Yeah. For me, it's like walking and meditating. I love it. Surfing, surfing, and surfing. If you could. Did I say surfing? Yes. Okay.

If you could give every listener one thing tomorrow. What would it be? A hug. Oh, that's so nice. What would you give them? A punch in the face. Wake the (expletive) up. Just the confidence that no matter what, every day is an opportunity to have a great day and to do things differently and to change. So it would be in a confidence. Okay. All right. Dream team. That was a big one. Thank you for that. Thank you for holding space for me today. I need a physiological sigh. Yeah.

Let's ask everyone today, what's one thing you can do for your soul, for your mental wellbeing that takes accountability. I think that was the theme of today's chat was self accountability and the way that you see the world is the way the world will respond to you. So. You are worthy. You are worthy. From us to you, Dream Team, we love you. Thank you for listening to us today.

Please share this podcast with someone who could deal with this message and who needs to hear it because the more people that listen, the more impact we make and we love it and it helps us grow. So from us to you, have a wonderful week. Toodles. Have you been listening to this episode and thought, mic drop, maybe I'm ready to get coached or have some therapy, but you don't want to go all the way down and get a therapist.

Welcome to the Awake Collective where we do monthly coaching to help people feel accountable, heard, and they keep on doing the work that you hear in this podcast. It is life transformative, right, LB? It's a community of support and like-minded people who are willing to keep investing in themselves because what we do is we help people help themselves. If you've enjoyed what you've heard today, then the Awake Collective is for you.

So come and join us at AwakeAcademy.com.au and join us for monthly coaching, a community that supports you and tools that you can use in your life to thrive. Let's go. See you there.