Selfish Isn't the Problem. Selfless Is. (Listener Q&A)

Life. Yeah. Life issues and questions. So just there's just so much there's so much to consider in life. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of head noise. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Especially if you're a Gemini.

So we part two goes even deeper. Um if you haven't listened to part one, I highly encourage you to start there. We definitely go deeper than I expected. Um and we'll try and whiz through these, but as always, we're unpredictable. Impossible to try. We just trying.

health and finances last. How do I get better at being selfish?

Because all of us have a different interpretation of it. What is my judgment of selfishness? That is such a that is an incredible question and I will elaborate. Okay.

say no?" Like, and then I'd get this sort of aftershock. I'm like, "Wow, that is so strong of them for protecting their time, energy, finances, and like you feel almost resentful to them at first." At first, yeah. Like, hang on, you're saying no to me. Yeah. very uncomfortable for me to get a no. Um, yes it is. You try saying no to test really hard.

No is a roundabout. Um, to a yes 100%. And um but when you do it, when you start setting boundaries around your time, energy, health, and finance, there is you feel liberated. Yeah, you do. So where do you start though? Where do you start?

We are, right? So that rest, energy management, eating healthy, all of the managing your finances is a luxury and it is privilege. Yes, we are we are

we are lucky that we have a choice in these situations most of the time. We are very fortunate that we're sitting in an environment where we're safe. Our basic needs are met. No one's firing bombs on us. No one's shooting us. No one's threatening our lives. And you and I are in and where I come to in that privilege is we're coming at this question with privilege. Yes.

Um because we do we have pretty stable well we have stable relationships and we're in safe homes. So yes. But as we've learned from Victor Frankle is that the one thing that cannot be taken from a man is his choice. Yeah. As to how who he becomes and how he responds to that circum particular circumstance. That's right.

So when I think about this question on a much deeper level and you know me I love to simplify everything because it is very easy to over complicate. Shortcut the struggle for us lane. Why do we struggle with boundaries? Why do we struggle with the self is what it really needs to come down to. And it's all about the judgments, the criticisms, the fears, the layers, the projections, the

comparisons. There's so many distractions and stories going on in that particular moment in time. So it comes back down to who do I want to be and how do I want to feel in this particular moment? And then that will ignite the choice or that will inspire the choice.

only thing I could focus on is getting to there to the top. Yeah. So, ignore the pain, ignore the struggle. Uh just work work just invest keep. So you were um selfish but at the own cost.

Yeah. Selfish at a yeah at a significant cost. So selfishness became a privilege because I started to pri I started to prioritize me in order for me to not only get there but to also be here for everybody else. M

so I stopped sabotaging all of that to get reach that and I started prioritizing all of that to be that. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. And I for anyone listening, it's really to get to the top LB had a had to put herself at the center of it.

I did because I wanted to be everything to everyone and that was the people pleaser in me. I had a massive fear of saying no. As an adoptee, I have a fear of rejection and every time you say no to me, that is a piece of rejection. So that is one of what I wanted to get to and why I asked you around boundaries. Okay. Why do we struggle saying no and for the people pleasers it always comes down to selfworth and self and like feeling worthy and feeling loved in my in our experience.

Yeah. And that all if you're saying yes to everything and everyone then it's resulting in anxiety, overwhelm, fatigue, adrenal exhaustion, all of those things.

and I don't like feeling let down. So I feel like not only have I been rejected, I've also rejected others. And I have we all have this deep longing for connection and belonging. So every time someone says no, it's like I don't belong. Am I going to be rejected from the pack? Like holy (expletive) And that's not just an adoptee mentality. It's a human mentality, isn't it? cuz you don't belong to the tribe, so you're out. Yep. Number two, a

scarcity mentality, especially as you're reinventing yourself. If you've come out of hospital or entered a a new career or retired and finding yourself again, I tended to say yes to everything in the hope that it'll help me maintain my relevance. And if I say yes, then they'll keep asking. If I say no, they'll stop asking and they'll never ask me again.

Yeah. And we talk a lot about the success tax. I feel like this is for like young to middle managers coming up the ranks. It's always yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I can do this. And then you become the fix it girl or the do it all. Like I was the do it all. Do it all. Queen. Yeah. Um and if you've got a problem, just give it a test. She'll sort it out.

Oh, yeah. You're the easiest and most um open path. Yeah. And you know why to getting a ransom? Well, no way. I just wanted to be loved. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah. And that would I had to take a big long look at myself at all of the things that I that had cost me. Working late nights, getting up early, not going to the gym to do the work or the report that someone else needed cuz it was urgent for them but not for me. Um, late night phone calls, like it goes on and on and on. The things that I You made yourself available to everybody but yourself.

That's right. Yeah. But I was performing and it was a the greatest illusion of all time. But was I really? I don't know. Were you? I mean, I met you. Yeah. You were test from Virgin and you were I'd say you were performing but on a very fragile foundation. Foundation because you were fried. Absolutely fried. Bulging out of your head.

Yeah. Which meant I really liked drinking alcohol cuz it was my calm like it was it calmed me down. we're having this chat offline. It made you more fun. It made me way more fun. I was way more relaxed and Yeah. So, it comes it it hides itself um in performance saying no. Yeah.

Um and makes you feel like you can't say no. Yeah. Cuz what else? Like selfworth, selfidentity. So, and then the third thing is expectations. Yes. So if we expect ourselves to be that shiny thing, you expected yourself to be the test from virgin, the the happy shiny fun test can solve it.

Yeah. Fix it. And then that will help you maintain your relevance and you'll never have to let anyone down. Yeah.

Sometimes they are spoken. And the stealth ones are the most insidious and the most toxic because they're the expectations that we put on ourselves based on what we think others think of us. Am I talking English? Yeah, you're talking expectations. Yeah. No, I'm just saying so we have expectations of others. We have others expectations of us and then we have our expectations of ourselves. Yeah.

And the reason why that felt like non-English but it's so true. It's when you someone has an expectation of you Yeah. and you don't you don't get there because you never asked it wasn't clear or it was stealth. They're really tough. They're hard to they're hard to meet. And especially if for example if you've grown up with parents that say you're amazing, you can be anything you want to be. Now you're placing expectation on

yourself to f not only fulfill that but to ex exceed that. Okay, I have to prove to my parents that they were right. And if we're constantly proving something then we're never enough in our state because the result defines us. And then when the result is good, yeah, I'm worthy. And when the result is bad, (expletive) I'm not worthy. M.

And that roller coaster creates an immense amount of internal torture that results in drugs, overwork, escapism. Escapism. Yeah. Selfing. Escapism. Self-sabotage. I often find like if it it's like, okay, I'll (expletive) up and I'll see how much I they love me. Yeah.

Like what happens when I don't get the number or I don't achieve X? Will they still be there? And what happened? No, I just see that. Like I see you do that. No, I didn't do that. That would have been a good test for you.

I'm going to finish I'm going to stop working part-time and I'm going to go full in pro surfing. And he called me a bloody idiot. Oh. And you didn't remember that? No. No. So, how does it feel out of curiosity? You never had that opinion of him.

No, I never thought that my dad was anything but supportive. And then you read this comment and it says, "You're a bloody idiot." And what do you feel about it now? Well, of course, he's human. He's he's worried about my happiness and worried about my success. And parents who worry about their kids' success will often

prevent their kids from succeeding to ensure they don't have to feel the disappointment of seeing their kids disappointed. Once again, am I speaking English? come back. But that's what we do. We without even saying it, we project our fears onto our kids to prevent them from experiencing

disappointment because we don't want to be disappointed. So my dad's saying, "You're a bloody idiot." Was his inability to say, "I'm worried that it won't work out." Yeah. And there's a good chance it won't cuz everyone tells you that you're not good enough. So, how about you have a backup plan? Kirk, my husband, who's a founding member of NXS, he didn't have a backup plan either. There was no plan B. And we were fortunate at that time we didn't

have to have a backup plan. So, when my dad said, "You're a bloody idiot," and Kirk's dad said, "Keep it as a hobby, son." Uh, it became a bit of fuel for us. But deep down, I believed that I had what it took. And if dad wasn't going to believe in me, then I'm going to go start investing in finding people that do believe in me. Sometimes believe in me more than I believe in myself. And that's when I had great mentors, great

coaches, great other world champions to rely on. Yes. So open the door for I open the door for other support and guidance and counsel. There's um I found that in my own journey as well and even with Alex and Harrison from re who I was in hospital with it was if the doctor told you you're never going to walk again do you then say watch me? Yeah.

Um and how beneficial that is for people and it's smaller than what you imagine it to be how that actually helps people because you're trusting someone in a white white suit. Well, you're trusting a clinician who's never been in a wheelchair. Yeah. who's who hasn't had that grip.

But every every story you read um of all of the greats you included, you use that to fuel you. You tell me that I can't, I say, watch me. Watch me. Yeah. So, watch me. Watch me. I'll prove you wrong.

proving and um pain and were they not fuel? And I said, "Yeah, of course they were fuel, but at what cost?" That's what we really need to be focusing on here is if you're motivated through fear and you're motivated through negative reinforcement, then it requires actually more energy and you actually also often

ignore the feather brick truck to get to the outcome to prove you wrong or to prove yourself right actually is where I was coming from. I always wanted to prove myself right. I I wasn't really motivated to say, "Haha, shut up, Dad. I've proved you wrong." It was more like, "I need to prove myself right because I wholeheartedly commit to this." We have a quick favor to ask. If

this podcast has been landing for you, please hit subscribe and leave us a rating or review. It helps us grow the show and keep bringing these conversations to more people. Yeah. And to bring that back to this question around people pleasing. Oh, there was a question.

loveve, acceptance, all of those things like that is a fundamental root cause question to ask yourself is the why. Yeah. Um what's the basic emotion you're avoiding?

insane cuz it suggests that we're in a plane crash all the time. Um is more if if you're p filling your cup with everyone else's stuff. Yeah. and their happiness and you know their projects and whatever it is then you're actually pouring from emptiness in the cup for your stuff.

Yeah. But they're getting the worst of you because you've left nothing. So if you really want to people please start filling your cup up with things that you love to do one a week and just start to flex it and see how that feels. So our challenge to you can I actually can I read like can I reframe that challenge and go one a day? You can because that's where you'll start to see the benefits. One a week I don't believe is enough. I believe and

it doesn't need to be an hourong massage or an hourong surf for me. It just needs to be something that you do for you, which is in the corporate environment, we suggest the bravest person we know in the office is the one that goes out for lunch, takes outside without their phones and sits in the sun or take yourself out for a 15-minute coffee or like just go and do something for you that nourishes your soul and brings you

back to life. So that way you're not reserving the worst for yourself. You're actually bringing the best out in yourself to then be able to present the best to everybody else. Love it. Okay, so our challenge for the people pleasers is to get to root cause and just write it out and then that becomes your awareness of okay, why am I saying yes all the time? Number two is do something you love for yourself every day. 15 minutes is enough. Yep.

A proper break. It is not a scrolling news watching on the phone venting break. It is the break is 100% digital free. Yes. Unless of course you gone for a walk with us in your ears.

Totally okay with that. But put the phone in the back.

What am I saying no to? I'm saying yes to this. What am I saying no to? Yeah. And practice saying the words no not now or no not me. Yeah, I love that. So no not now means I'm happy to help but come back to me tomorrow, next week, next year.

Keep me in mind. I'm happy to help but can't do it now. No, not me means I am not the answer to your solutions today. Especially the and you yes people if you're saying no not now, no not me and you feel an abundance of guilt, you're in the right place. I feel the guilt because that is the stepping stone towards healing your relationship with boundaries. No, not me means I'm not the solution, but there's Tess. she'll be

able to help you or there's so and so I reckon they've got a better solution than I do or no not me means actually you might be able to solve it on your

people to take a break have a pause and say no and help them rep prioritize actually this is urgent. Can you drop that and work on this? Rather than expecting everyone else to speak up because they're helping you in some way, shape, or form. A well-rested person is 26% more productive. So, take this and use your leadership position to help people say no and reframe or take a break or just learn

how to do their work in a more compatible way that's going to serve you and them. And as you become more emotionally intelligent with that within yourself, you'll be able to see it in your people. You'll be able to see it when they're fried. And you'll know not to dump any more work on them. In actual fact, you might be able to tell them you need a break. Trust me, they already know. Yeah.

Yeah. That it it is a question of how do we help help people help themselves? It's giving them the tools and um lead from example. Go for the walk, get outside, look after yourself, and don't leave the best of you um for the rest of everyone else. Is that right? Yes. Yes, that is right. Yeah.

non-negotiables and stick with them and then recognize how they make you feel at the end of the day. Yeah. I saw someone um they put at the bottom of their signature and it was like quite high so you could read it is I work abnormal hours because I'm a mom. Yeah. Right. Um so please don't take this email as urgency and they were in a really senior position. And I thought isn't that that is actually a really good good way to do it

way to do it cuz it doesn't stop you from doing the work but it just stops the urgency. How many times as a corporate did you receive an email? Actually you said you were the one sending them at 2 o'clock in the morning weren't you? Yeah, for sure. I I like I get waves of um inspiration or time where I can do

stuff that are not in normal hours. Um and I have in the past tried to set the timer so you can send them at um 9:00 a.m. So only sends it through. Um but I just thought I'm going to implement the I am working normal hours.

Yeah. And this is not an urgent email, right? Yeah. just gives me space. Unless it's tagged urgent. Unless I put double urgent, in which case you just close the email anyway. Well, then you just got to text me to let me know that it's there.

Need you tonight now. All right. Well, that was a really big one. Um, so self-care is not selfish. No, you only have one life. You only have one vehicle. Take the pit stop every day. Learn how to say no and liberate

your life in being the one that shows up with energy. Pause from abundance, not emptiness, and is just more present because they are connected to themselves and those around them. Beautifully. It's a beautiful way to be.

There's days when we're have we have pushed ourselves and burnt out and exhausted ourselves, but we honor that by taking the pit stop. take the pit stop. Take the pit stop because there are there are moments and seasons when we have to push on and have to push through. But make sure that you schedule a little bit of rest period after that. I I learned that the hard way. Uh we all learn the hard way. When I used to run my own event, um whether it was my charity event or my surf event and

after, you know, all the leadup and then having the actual event, there's an em there's an emotional comedown. there's a crash after that and I have to give myself the time and space to to ride that and that means getting away from the ocean, getting away from stimulation, perhaps going into the bush or going down into Kangaroo Valley or somewhere where it's just decompressing, immersing myself in nature and rebuilding my soul from that space.

Yeah, Chris and I had this chat on the weekend um cuz you have to we have to on board our partners um with who we are and how we show up in these busy periods or for us it's a workshop. The next day I am always depleted. Depleted. I'm full, enriched. Yeah. But I'm super super depleted. You give a lot of yourself.

I give. And I love that. And holding space is beautiful for people. And um it's a lot. It's a gift. And it takes, you know, it's the leadup, it's the planning, you get the event, and then it's it's over. And we have this sort of we had a conversation around whether I could do another one back to back. and we were

trying to work out our diaries for the week coming and um Chris said to me, "Remember who you are the day the next day." Thank you, Chris. Wise council. We had a conversation cuz we're getting busier and the conversation was how much can I give or how much can we do and sustainably?

Yeah. And so what we've agreed is if my recovery lasts one day, that's okay. Then keep going. Mhm. But if I'm starting to take if it's if our recovery after a workshop is taking two or three days, it's a no. That's my warning sign. Okay.

Yeah. So, learn that. We work in seasons and life cycles and busyness and not busyness. And so, just start to think about what is your rule in your relationship or just in your own life if you're single like how what do you what is okay rest and what is burnout and identify that for you. Yeah. Because what's burnout for you is very different to me. Y because I don't have a toddler.

Have a husband. It's kind of like having a toddler.

healthier. So they're really simple steps. And this is not 75 hard, by the way. People love it because it is not that. It's softer, more gentle, and gives you practical steps every day for seven weeks. So, we'll call it seven easy, seven doctors, seven easy, but really simple things. And I really feel when it comes to identifying, well,

a lot of people won't even take those 15 minutes for themselves cuz like how what can I do? You know, we we got we got get paralyzed like wait, what? I got to take time out for myself now. What? Yeah. So, sunshine breaks really powerful. Yeah. really super productive way to decompress the nervous system, elevate the parasympathetic nervous system and

feel super calm to help you just navigate the rest of the day. Yeah. Love. And we give people in the seven doctors which I find really helpful as a a type is the science of why. Yeah. The science behind it. Yeah. And then how to incorporate it into your day. Yeah. It's like a bible. It is a bible.

Yeah. Um micro rest periods because we all know we work best in 90minute sprints. So setting an alarm on your phone or on your computer to make sure you walk away from your computer for 3 to 5 minutes a day. We learned that from Kirsty Christy Goodwin too about the importance of taking these micro breaks otherwise pit stops. Yeah. I mean we got we've got infob infobesity she called it because we're absorbing 74 gigabytes of information a day. We need to get away

from that. So we've simplified micro breaks and and given you the science as to why rest is helpful for you to be your best. Yeah. We cover topics like exercise, but like easy to do exercise, healthy nutrition. You get to eat like a seven-time world champion. Um, and retired one for a week, but you get our cookbook.

Um, there's a community that has already done it. So, you get their tips and tools and it's such a good program to give yourself a sevenwe reset and brilliant to do. When this episode launches, we're heading into Australian winter and we have a lot of overseas listeners. Um, we even have people in Czech Republic. Hello. Thanks for listening. Um, so this is a really good tool when you want to just bunker down and reset your mind, body, and spirit. Yeah. And it it's really not seasonal.

It's it's actually the season of your life that you're in just to like you say, it's about a reset, a full physical, emotional, and mental reset, but in a really simple, applicable, relatable way. Yeah. So, it's the seven doctors to living a healthier, happier life. Yeah. And we'll link it in the show notes, but yeah, that is actually a very good tool. come into our seven doctors program. We'll see you there.

Fill that time with something that you love to do. So, write the list. It's got to be techfree. Yes. and have a conversation with a loved one around your rest protocol because that really does matter in today's life because we all have to work, right?

And sometimes we need an accountability partner to say, "Hey, you haven't taken your rest period today or hey, you haven't done that 15 minutes that you promised yourself, so off you go." Yeah. So, on board a dream team member with your new identity of someone who is a little bit selfish. Yay.

We'll see you next week. Thanks, Dream Team. Toodles. Have you been listening to this episode and thought, "Mike drop. Maybe I'm ready to get coached or have some therapy, but you don't want to go all the way down and get a therapist." Welcome to the Awake Collective, where we do monthly coaching to help people feel accountable, supported, and they keep on doing the work that you hear in

this podcast. It is life transformative, right LB? It's a community of support and like-minded people who are willing to keep investing in themselves because what we do is we help people help themselves. If you've enjoyed what you've heard today, then the Awake Collective is for you. So, come and join us at awakeacademy.com.au and join us for monthly coaching, a community that supports you and tools that you can use in your life to thrive.

Let's go. See you there. Before we close, we just want to gently remind you that Awake Academy is not a licensed mental health service and this podcast is not a substitute for personalized mental health advice, assessment, diagnosis, or treatment. What we share here is general in nature and is designed to offer reflection, insight, and practical tools for everyday life. Therapy can be

life-changing, and we deeply encourage you to speak to your GP about your mental health and well-being options.