Lose the yeah buts

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Protect what matters most, and AIA will help you to do it for life. Welcome back, dream team. Today, we are talking about limiting beliefs.

Why? Because we have launched a course called The Four Ds to High Performance, and we are here to break down those limiting beliefs around success, to challenge you to have a more positive and practical life that you love, and to let you know that you're not alone. I know I felt alone in my quest for success so many times.

Brendan Burchard says that if you find yourself at the top and you feel really alone or lonely, you've done it wrong. You know, it's actually one of the most reported mental health factors of leaders is feeling lonely at the top. Yep, I felt lonely at the top, and that was because I had all sorts of limiting beliefs that ensured that that became the case.

Yeah. So I guess we've both learnt success at a cost in so many different times of our lives. So listen along.

If this is you, success could be anything from parenthood to running a family, a business, a life. So come on the journey with us. Losing weight, maintaining positive health can be a variety of different things.

But the first point there, to that point, is to ensuring you define what success is, because when you're really clear about that, that will fuel the belief, and then that belief will fuel your confidence. But if you lack clarity around what success looks like, then your beliefs will be wavering and your confidence will be situational.

It's around experiencing fulfillment. Now I don't always feel fulfilled, and quite honestly, I had a business meeting in the city last week that I was supposed to go to, and the waves came up and the sun came out, and I just went, "I don't want to go!" So I literally texted the guy I was meeting with an hour before our meeting and said, "Waves have come up.

Sorry. Sun's come out, because coming to the city to have a meeting with you doesn't fulfill me." I'm used to that.

How did that feel for him? So I went surfing. He understood.

He knows me very well. Thank you, Brett. So success for me is - Yes, let me ask you, what does success mean for you?

Well, inner peace. Freedom. And joy.

Joy. Great. How do you clarify that?

I mean, look, it's very clear, but how do you - is it in relation to your whole orbit? Yeah, so like, inner peace is like understanding my limiting beliefs, for example, and not being stuck in my own head. So I still hear the noise, but I've got the tools to deal with it.

As Eckhart Tolle says, "Be the awareness behind your thoughts." That's right. Don't be your thoughts, because your thoughts are not who you are.

Yeah. So it's peace in that. Freedom.

So because, like, freedom is a very interesting word, because when you're an entrepreneur, particularly in this climate - With a surfer as your business partner. You have to learn to ride the waves. And - but there are - and you don't have a salary that comes in every single fortnight or week, whatever it is.

You don't have an IT department or a, you know, there's so - An HR department, an IT department, marketing department. But what that gives me is a freedom in my life. It doesn't mean it's easier or harder, it just means that I really love that freedom that that gives me.

Take a day off when you feel like it. Well, maybe not, but the purpose is so strong that that frees me up to go, "You know what? You're actually living a life of purpose."

And I love that, because it gets me out of bed on those hard days. Yes. And then joy.

Does this give me joy? Is my life joyful? Because you can have all the money in the world, but are you happy?

Yeah. Are you joyful? I think finding joy in all of the little moments has been fundamental to me redefining success, because I realize you just don't need all the things.

It's about who you are, who you are with, and how you love. And you've lived the life amongst people who have all the things.

This is on the superyacht. I was Below Deck before there was Below Deck. And would mark the crew on how clean they kept the yacht.

Wow. You have so much money. You can buy whatever you like in the world.

And like one day, she would ask us to peel all of the almonds, the skin off the almonds. You couldn't just buy blanched, peeled almonds. They had to be freshly blanched and peeled almonds.

And that was her breakfast. Ten a day. Wow.

Ten in the morning. Wow. And if they weren't peeled correctly, you'd get a call.

That's optimization? It's such an unhappy way to be rich. And then I've worked with some billionaires who were all about the experience that they provided their guests on the boat.

And they were all about bringing the crew involved. And they had just had these amazing long lunches. And like, so to me, it's like it just showed you money doesn't buy happiness.

When you're a deeply ingrained, miserable prick. Or princess. Or princess.

I've worked for a princess. Could not be left alone with her children. Why?

Didn't trust herself. Oh. Had to have a nanny with her the whole time.

Oh, gosh. So is that, is that success? Like I don't know.

You marry into a really like a well-off family, you become a princess. I don't know. That to me doesn't.

And that's why it comes down to the individual's interpretation of what success is and being really clear about that. Yeah. Because for me, success is not being a billionaire, having a giant- Hundred meters of yacht.

Hundred meters super yacht that costs millions of dollars and then buying all my friends and family to come and stay on it. And hiding tissues around the boat to make sure it was clean enough. Well, I wouldn't do that.

But maybe I would. Imagine. No.

And like we've, we've got a guest coming up and I won't give them away because they're epic and I had a pre-meeting with them. And he said to me, I've realized like when you reach a certain level in your life where you're happy, you've got the house, the car, the kids, whatever, you've got it all that you've been working for, you realize very quickly all along that what you really wanted, and it was his daughter that gave him this, she said, "I want to live a hundred years ago." And he said, "Why?"

And she said, "'Cause you live on a farm, you feed your chickens, you run around barefoot, like you make your own food, you hang out with your grandparents every day 'cause you live with them. Like how awesome is that?" And then I was sitting there listening to him and I'm like, "That's actually my life."

Like how incredible that all of the pain and all the torture has brought me to like a really simplified loving life. So to me that's success. That's beautiful.

Is finding peace in that. Mm, yes. And your version of success changes as you do so it evolves much like your values do.

So it's really important that you take the time to identify each season to what success looks like. As we get older, we realize you're born with nothing, you die with nothing, so make the most of everything as you go. And if you equate success with having the boat, the car, the house, the pool, the everything.

Yeah, a generational wealth. Yeah. Yeah.

Then perhaps you would end up losing yourself in all of that and you lose the true understanding of what happiness and connection's all about. Yeah. Do you know who I love?

I love the grey nomads who have the bumper sticker that says, "Spending my children's inheritance." Yeah. Good on you.

I just think go for it. Go on. You don't work your whole life.

To then give it away. To then give it away. Exactly.

I mean in this day, cost of living, like kids are different. Like we do. But grit and giving people the opportunity to work for their wealth is so important.

I just love people living their lives and spending their money because it's theirs. And the simplicity of it is what brings so much joy. I know, I mean Kirk and I have been on some of the most magnificent holidays, but our favorite one was when we jumped in a pop-up, basically a Toyota Hilux that had a pop-up at the back with a bed that came out.

And we drove from Broome to Darwin. Can we have that as a TV show? Please.

It would have been a great TV show actually. Because yeah, we stopped every day at a different gorge and swam and ate and then drove to the next gorge and park there for the night, watched nature's television, which was either water or a fire. Beautiful.

So you were the great nomad before you were great. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, still my hair was still dark back then. Aw. I'm all for it.

I just feel like. So how do we live a life? Well, we give ourselves permission to do that.

We identify what is it that we really need. We've asked in previous episodes, who are you performing for? So whose life are you living?

Are you living your own life or are you living according to someone else's projected opinion of you? What are the expectations you have around that and how realistic are they? Because if we want to be sustainably successful and we talk about beliefs, which just falls within one of the components of sustainable success, which is determination, then our beliefs are governed by our values and that all governs our behaviors.

If we believe that we have to be successful, but we haven't taken the time to identify what success actually is or looks like for us at that stage, for us in that season of our life, then we tend to subscribe to someone else's view of success for us and we lose our confidence. We lose our identity. Then our beliefs stop being our own and they start being somebody else's.

We start subscribing to someone else's life. Yeah. It comes from within.

Yeah, it does come from within. It's so interesting because at our men's high-performance workshop that we did a couple of weeks ago, I was talking about this with my husband, Chris, and we were talking about what is success.

They've probably forgotten that comment or that conversation and now all of a sudden you're living someone else's dream that doesn't even, like, not in the room anymore. Yeah. I know so many men who are performing for their dad's validation.

All they want to hear is, "I'm proud of you, son." A lot of these men, their dad died ages ago, years ago, but they're still performing to hear that, to feel that, to experience that, and they never will because, one, perhaps, like you said, the dad's, I mean, that story is probably just evaporated. If they're still alive, that story evaporated from their mind, or, two, it was just in that moment, but the child chose to carry it for the rest of their lives.

Or three, the kid is so consumed by what the dad thinks of him that he's lost his sense of self, and now everything he's doing is to be seen. Yeah. To be loved.

To be loved. The thing is, is that if you've created a story about how that man is supposed to show love to you and they never show it that way, then you'll always feel unloved. Yeah, you'll always feel unloved.

If you're waiting for your dad to say, "I'm proud of you, son." Dad or mum, by the way. Yeah, exactly.

If you're waiting for your parent to say, "I'm proud of you," but they don't have the capacity within them to do that because they haven't been brought up in a world where they feel safe enough to do that.

He never really had the ability to say, "I love you," or, "I'm proud of you," but he showed it in so many different ways. Yeah. By crying when he saw me on television, or coming to world title crownings, and I knew how proud he was just through his behaviors.

I didn't need to hear the words or see more demonstration of it than that. That helped me craft a strong belief about the love that he had for me and the confidence that that gave me to then live a life based on what was right for me, not what was right for him. Yeah.

When he wrote, "You're a bloody idiot for pursuing surfing," you were able to let it go. I was able to let it go because my conviction within my beliefs and my confidence and my clarity of what success was for me, not for him, is what enabled me to withstand any negativity, any criticism, any bad feedback. It didn't matter because I was really clear on where I was heading and why I was heading there.

Love that. Benji the other day said to me, after he does Mecha Kickers, and he said, "The words felt like, 'Are you proud of me, Mom?'" I looked at him and I said, "Are you proud of yourself, Bebe?"

He's like, "Yeah, I never gave up." It was such a moment of understanding. I'm like, "Oh, I wonder where I'm saying I'm proud of you too much."

Even just to reverse it back to say, "Because of this work that I've done, it all has to come from within."

There is a beautiful side to that where I think take the pressure so that you can be mom or parent, whoever one stays at home. I'm talking from a female perspective. Then we've swung into, "Fuck the patriarchy.

We can do it all." Yikes. Yikes.

"We can work. We can raise kids. We are the do-it-all machine moms."

Now I feel like we're coming back to being like, "I can't do it all because there's a cost." Yeah. But the martyr mom, like the ... I am- No, several of those.

Yeah. So many martyr moms. I have been that myself as well, like perfect.

I realized the only person that is taxing is me. Given that fucking mentality, I can do it all. I watched my mom, she's like, "Tess, we burnt bras for you."

Thanks, Caroline. Yeah, use it for something. That I know ingrained me to be like, "I've got to fight for my position."

It came with a bit of armor. Whereas the relaxed view of it for me is like, "I just want to do my best and make myself proud now." Great.

But it took a shitload of work to get there and still does because I'm like, "Should be doing more. Should be doing this." Where does that come from?

Just my own desire to more, more, more. But does something trigger that? Is there ... Is it something you see on social media or something you see on TV or a magazine that says, "Oh."

It points of maybe a little hole or a little- Yeah. A little longing in you that's like, "Oh, I think I could do more." Two things, I want to make more impact.

I want our message to go everywhere. I want this podcast to be top 1%, please share it because we need your help. I want to create safety in my home life.

Chris and I really want- You mean financial safety. Financial safety and freedom. That to me is really important and having multiple income streams because I just understand the complexity of being an entrepreneur is really liberating when you get different mechanics working for you and you get to play, but ultimately you want financial freedom.

And then the third is- And you know what that number is for you? I don't have a number just yet. I'll work on it.

Yeah. The third bit is freedom to go traveling, to enjoy experiences. I don't really care about the fancy car, but I do want to go on more holidays and I do want to see the world and I don't want to be tied to a desk my whole life.

Right. So yeah, that's where it comes from. We have a quick favor to ask.

If this podcast has been landing for you, please hit subscribe and leave us a rating or review. It helps us grow the show and keep bringing these conversations to more people. So when you say, so let's put this limiting belief formula into action right now and say, you say, I want to travel the world and not be tied to a desk.

Okay. So- It doesn't feel like a limiting belief. The limiting belief that comes up, particularly sitting next to you, and I talk about it in the book and I've been really open of it.

It went from, I'm not enough, so like, who's going to want to hear from me? You're a seven-time world champion. Right.

But that was really beneficial because it made me go back to school and learn- Go deeper. Go deeper and get accredited and learn the science and actually have an accreditation behind us. Yeah.

And me. Yeah. The, I'm not enough, so that was worse.

And the story of I'm not enough is, do I believe that I'm enough to create a business? A successful business. A successful business.

Right. And I grew, like my parents are entrepreneurs, so I see the struggle that that has created for us over time. So my limiting belief around success has been it has to be a struggle.

And there's highs and there's lows and there's nothing in between. Right. And I am currently working through that to create a life of ease so that the highs aren't so high and the lows aren't so low.

Okay. So yeah. So one of the effective ways of creating a sense of ease within that is finding the yes and, because it becomes the new anchor point every time that negative limiting belief is triggered.

Yeah. And for you, it was like success means you're an asshole. Well, no, I'm just, let's stay with you.

Yeah, no, I'm just putting it into context for the listener. We can come back to me. Yeah.

We can come back to my story. Yeah. What's the yes and to the struggle?

So the yes and is you can have a successful business with ease that doesn't have highs and lows. So the yes and for me is you can have ease being an entrepreneur. Right.

But the, so that yes and is still future based. What's the current? So right now, like, and this is the work that I've been going through is when is enough enough?

Yeah. Like what is my level of that? And I don't have that just now because I'm in a growth, I want us to grow and expand.

So I'm like super ambitious in that, which is interesting because we're at those different levels. Yeah. But you still love and want to grow this business and podcast for impact and legacy.

You don't need the financial gain. I do. So it's like we sit in this tension with us all the time.

So I haven't nailed that down yet. Okay. But I'm looking at it.

Let's nail that down. To create that sense of ease within you so you don't stay stuck in the struggle of it.

Okay. It's such a good metric for me, the Sunday scaries. Yeah.

I don't get them anymore. Right. So that is such a beautiful success.

Like what is success? No Sunday scaries. Because you're looking forward to Monday.

I'm looking forward to doing the work. It's a beautiful thing that everyone could listen to and go, "How do I feel on a Sunday afternoon when I'm thinking about going to work the next day?" Because I very rarely work on a Monday and today, because we're recording on a Monday, I'm often on a Sunday looking forward to Monday and today I had to work and there was no Sunday scaries for me either.

So that means we're both in flow and we're both in a position where we really want to be, which is the freedom and the joy of doing work that you love that is purposeful and helpful. Yeah. So that's a yes and.

That's a yes and. Yes. And I know money is energy.

Yeah. Like it is an energetic exchange. I trust that we'll be okay.

We will be okay. Well, that I am. I am.

You are okay. I am really okay. Yeah.

And that's a beautiful place to be. That is. But I still want more.

Do you like that one? Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah.

So the nineties and two thousands was just starting to explode. It was just starting to grow, but no one really believed in it just yet because it still had to earn its stripes and earn its way and earn its position. And even though it was, it was the industry itself was prospering and growing really fast.

They still weren't willing to invest in the women. So we still had that victimized mentality or that battler mentality that we've, I mean, I wasn't, I was earning $35,000 a year when I won my first world title. And so I was constantly told I'm not worth it yet.

I'm not worth it yet. I'm not worth it yet. So when on earth am I going to be fucking worth it?

How long is it going to take until you see? Seven world titles. Well, no, it actually took me seeing the value in myself that gave me the confidence to stand in that and go, this is what I'm worth and this is the value that I bring.

That became my constant yes and whenever outside of me was telling me yeah but. So I had to find my own intrinsic and internal yes and barometer that said, you don't determine my value of me, you don't determine the success of my life, I get to do that. And that's where I'd love for you to land.

I'm working on it. Beautiful. And that's the performance mentality and I do trust, like I do trust in myself.

I do trust in the time. Like people are switching from holistic care to wellbeing to high performance and then we sit in human performance. And I do trust that the world is shifting and that we are needing more human connection and more conversations that light us up and challenge us and help us grow.

So I feel that we are and I trust that we are in the middle of that. It's like the snail and the tortoise. No, but is it the snail and the hare?

Yeah. Like and. It's the hare and the tortoise.

I hear you. I'm like the bull at the gate and my growth is to slow down and sit in it rather than push it and force it. Hang out with me, I'm the tortoise.

We were meant to go through a whole conversation today around limiting beliefs. So we're throwing that out. Focus on the, lose the yeah buts.

Lose the yeah buts. Yeah buts will always appear when you say something that you really want. So for example, I want to be the best in the world at what I do, yeah but you're not good enough to do that.

Yes and I'm a hard worker with a great team around me. That's how the yes and negates the yeah buts and your limiting beliefs get shattered very quickly. So our challenge for you today, dream team, is to look for the yes and opportunities.

Where in your life are you saying yeah buts like me and where how can you change that to the yes and. And if this conversation lit you up, which I'm sure that there was a part of you that you felt in me then, come and join us in the Awake Collective where we'll take you through a monthly masterclass for an hour and we will go through each of the four Ds. You'll get a workbook, a community and tools for life that's backed by science but most importantly it's backed by lived and learned life experiences so that you will learn how to be a human performer.

Not just a high performer. Yeah and enjoy your life really. Exactly sustainably.

Yeah so we'll put all of the links in the show notes but come and join us you have to sign up before a certain time because we kick off soon and we will take you through life school really. Human school. All right from us to you Dream Team yes and toodles.

Have you been listening to this episode and thought mic drop maybe I'm ready to get coached or have some therapy but you don't want to go all the way down and get a therapist. Welcome to the Awake Collective where we do monthly coaching to help people feel accountable, supported and they keep on doing the work that you hear in this podcast. It is life transformative right LB?

It's a community of support and like-minded people who are willing to keep investing in themselves because what we do is we help people help themselves. If you've enjoyed what you've heard today then the Awake Collective is for you so come and join us at awakeacademy.com.au and join us for monthly coaching, a community that supports you and tools that you can use in your life to thrive. Let's go see you there.

Before we close we just want to gently remind you that Awake Academy is not a licensed mental health service and this podcast is not a substitute for personalised mental health advice, assessment, diagnosis or treatment. What we share here is general in nature and is designed to offer reflection, insight and practical tools for everyday life. Therapy can be life-changing and we deeply encourage you to speak to your GP about your mental health and wellbeing options.