A Wake Up Call: If You've Ever Said I'm Fine

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run programs to help people live happier, more purposeful lives. Why? because we were never given a toolkit. So, our mission is to give you guys that, a little shortcut to life to help you use every moment as your wakeup

to sabotage those important days. So, we were up at quarter 4 this morning uh learning about the bear hunt. What's the bear hunt? You know, we're going on a bear hunt. Do you know that nursery rhyme? No, I don't. I didn't either. I had to relearn it. But he thought that the bear was going to kill the family. So, I had to deconstruct that fear. I know. That's big. 4 in the morning. At quart 4 in the morning. Okay. And how did how did he settle after that? Oh, he was really fun. He wanted to do it again and again and again. So, he didn't go back to sleep. No way. So, but I am thrilled because I get to share tips and tools with you today. Okay. How are you feeling? Honestly, I would say I'm around about a four. Oh, that's not good. I'm depleted. I've had a big week. Um, I haven't slept well the last few nights. M uh I'm in the thought spiral of what's coming and am I prepared for it which always increases my levels of anxiety. So you're in the what ifs. I'm in the what ifs and what do I need to do about it versus what is and what am I going to do about it now. Well let's coach you. What is it? Well let's start with some oracle cards.

[ __ ] honest oracle card. So, all right, pick one. All right, for those of you listening, I am about to pull an oracle card to give me a checkin. This I think this one is for you. [ __ ] nah. So, I revert back to my book that gives us an outline of what that of what that card means. And in the book, it says, "Your inability to say no is [ __ ] you over." That is the bear hunt. Unless you're an actual doctor or some other super useful and important human, you can say no with sincerity and no one is going to die. Wow. In fact, they probably won't even care. Except for Benji will. Yeah, they'll just move on to the next dumb ask and ask them instead. Recognize when you say yes out of habit and stop that [ __ ] Well, there you go. That was for everyone at home, too, because everyone listening because we all need to know how to say no more often. All right, this is for you, LB. Thank you. I'm going to go right down here and say this one. Slow the [ __ ] down. Give me the book. Yes, that's what number are we? Very pertinent. Number 26. I didn't actually need to do your oracle to tell you that this morning. You don't need to do all the things all the time. Burnout sucks hard and you don't want to go there. Take a [ __ ] break. Catch your breath and prioritize energy expenditure. That's something we can all learn from. All right, everybody. You're joining me. Let's all slow the [ __ ] down, shall we? Okay. What are we talking about today?

[ __ ] up, insecure, needy, and emotional. If we hear you say the word I'm fine, stop it. Just stop it. When were you last fine?

afterwards. And you do normally. I do. But the wind was howling on shore. The rain squalls were coming down. There was not a single soul on the on the beach or in the water and I was fine. Just do it, Lane. Just get out there and go for it. And I came home even more depleted. Was it a bad surf? Uh I got one wave in 30 minutes. Normally I catch about five. So five waves in 30 minutes. Normally I'm not a surfer so like this probably why our relationship or dynamic works cuz I have no idea the acronyms of waves. But five waves in 30 minutes doesn't sound like a good day either. What? You don't think that's enough? Wow. What is enough? Oh, it's never enough. I'm addicted to catching as many waves as I can. But on days like yesterday where the waves were well overhead, wind was howling, it I actually paddled out and I couldn't get out the back and so I had to turn around and come in and walk up to the other end of the beach. And the whole time the wind's blowing my board into me, the rain's coming down in my face. I'm like, "This is fine. I'm fine." So, I can relate to those moments where I've pushed myself through fine and not necessarily through um big wind swells, but it felt like that at the time, like showing up to an event or trying to push our family to do something they don't want to do cuz it's got to be fun and it's got to be fine. How did you get yourself out of it? I just chose to acknowledge that I wasn't fine. Like, I actually had to truly recognize, you know what, I'm not fine. I'm exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally. I should be in bed resting. I've got this block of time right now where I can really just prioritize recovery and I'm actually making it worse. See, what alarm was going off? Cuz normally it's either Kirk or me that mirrors you and says enough. It's rare sometimes that I Well, it's rare that I see you pull the white flag. What happened? Well, first the conditions were appalling, but you got there. And secondly, I just when I connected with how I truly felt, I thought, "This is the worst thing I need to be doing for myself right now." So, I went home and had a very quick hot shower and crawled into bed and I normally napped for about 30 minutes. I was in bed for 2 hours. I was that exhausted and then I woke up feeling much better. Still depleted, but no longer fine. Yeah. How about you? Well, I'm just thinking about what I've learned about being fine or being um emotionally suppressing how I'm truly feeling is my body is my alum. Yeah. And if I am feeling exhausted, depleted, like I can't talk to people, it's all fuzzy. I know that I'm fine. Like I can get up and I can do all of these. I can produce a great dinner. I can hold a like or a workshop or do a great meeting or have whatever is on my plate that day. But deep down there's this burning sensation in my soul that I am not okay. How do you how do you hear it or feel it? Like because as you said there were so many things that were you were focusing your attention on. The last thing you're going to focus on is the burning within your soul. Yeah. How do you connect with it? Well, luckily I know the science that if you feel an emotion, it only lasts in your body for 90 seconds. And you and I talk about this all the time when we're coaching people through it. But we coach people through it cuz we need to hear it ourselves. Yeah. We teach what we need to learn. That's right. And I was thinking to myself, how so it was a break between

teenage stepkids? All everyone. Full house. And your husband? And my husband. He's okay. he doesn't need to be mummed. Um, and I thought to myself, I am fine to push through to dinner, but I'm actually I can feel the white fuzz in my brain. I can feel it in my body. It's like I was dreading conversation. Oh, and that is I'm a communicator. I'm a story. Like that is my number one connection point is listening and talking with people. So, I knew at that point something was really wrong. So, that's like radar red flag, right? and I only had probably 7 minutes between finishing the workday and everything happening. So, I just went for a walk and I chose a different path that I normally do. So, I was like, I've got to rewire my brain. There was rubbish along the path so I picked it up. Good job. Yeah. And I I felt so and I was with my dog and he just smiles and when he laughs and he walks and I got homes. Yeah. He's just got this big beautiful smile when he runs. Wow. I want one of your dogs. Yeah. Well, you know, Charlie's like dog who doesn't like me very much. And when I got home, I don't even think I told you this, this was the moment where I realized I'd lost the diamond in my in my engagement ring. Oh. And I walked in the door and I went, I've lost the diamond. And had it that have happened 7 minutes earlier, I think I would have been myself. Yeah. But I just allowed myself to feel and I thought, well, there's nothing I can do about it. The dharma's gone. I mean I did search everywhere and shut went into the Tupperware containers went everywhere. Anyway, so fine is something that we really are passionate about helping people through because it is not an everyday state and when something goes wrong like losing diamonds or showing up at the beach in your favorite place in the world and you're not present and you get one wave in 30 minutes, your reaction time slows down when you are regulated. So what did you do? Well, and your quality of life Yeah. reduces as well. So, yeah, it it's just a matter of honoring how you're feeling and and you know, you said it's it's not an everyday feeling, but unfortunately with the majority of population, it is these days. I think people are relying on fine to get themselves through the day. And just if I get through this day, then I can get home. I can regulate with alcohol or drugs. I can hopefully, which is another acronym, but you know, hopefully I can resort to at least maybe getting a restorative sleep and then going into the next day and the next day and the next day. So somehow we need to pull the handbrake and go stop. Yeah. Slow the [ __ ] down. Yeah. This is not sustainable. But how can we make it sustainable? like how can we make fine short-term sustainable to then we can get to the end point and go okay now that I've sustained my progress through fine I'm now going to just prioritize rest and recovery so I can be better than that. Yeah because otherwise we just maintain like I don't know about our listeners but for me I feel like when I'm in fine I'm on the the hamster wheel of life.

neon light like my my dad I just picked my dad up from a dementia ward. What you're going through like Yeah. to get a true insight into what's going on. Yeah. Because we all have these layers going on. And one of the most frightening things for me leaving hospital was walking down the street as a normal person again. But I was like riddled with PTSD and anxiety that I was going to get hurt again. I was not comfortable being in the normal world. And I'd walk down the street and it was so much easier with a neck brace on because people could say, "Oh, she's injured. Be careful." Or like if someone approaches you with crutches, but the truth about mental wellness and illness, which I've learned, is the impact of it is worse than a broken arm or a broken leg, but you can't see it. Yeah. And like how do we take care of people more by when they say, "Oh, I'm fine." It's like, "Are you really?" Well, no. I just got out of hospital and my life's absolutely [ __ ] And I'm living at my parents home under psychiatric care, but yeah, everything's fine. I'm fine. How's your day going? It's like the term, it's all good. My god, that gets my goat up. It's not all good. How is everything falling apart all good? I mean, it's great that you're still standing, but nothing about that's

world. So, honoring how you're feeling. That is definitely the first point. Yeah. Yeah. The first point to honor how you feel takes a lot of courage as well because if we're just thinking about the output to get to the outcome, then we won't even consider where we're at within this point in time. So now that you've stopped and you've paused, you go,

holding your breath for 4 seconds, exhaling for 4 seconds, holding your breath for 4 seconds, and doing that cycle for four rounds is literally just one minute out of your life. But it decompresses that sympathetic nervous system. It eliminates a lot of the stress out of your body and gives you some clarity around how you're feeling and then what choices you can make after that. And you've got one of your favorite breaths which is your two times breath. Yeah. Yeah. The psychological sigh which is what you see a dog doing when when they want to relax. It's their go Yes. She's like Yeah. And then they're ready for sleep. You like drawing. I've brought drawing into our house as well quite a lot. It's all that is on our dining table. sometimes washing, but also just pens and paper. And just being able to express how you feel through drawing really is the feel it to heal it that you love and that we encourage people to do. Cuz again, 90 seconds is all you need to feel an emotion. Anything other than that is the story you wrap around it. Exactly. And we'll go back. We we will enter the stories framework in other podcast episodes, but I feel that if we're asking people to deal with fine right now, once they've taken a deep breath, what would you suggest they do

do to reset? So, for you, you needed to go to bed. Yeah, I did a nap. For me, I only had 7 minutes, but I needed to do something to prioritize myself. And that looked like getting out of the house and doing something different. Um, so replace that with something that you need. Like we encourage people to just go out to coffee by themselves or tea or just remove yourself from that physiological state that you're in and change it. Yeah. Our goal is to empower and educate people not to overwhelm them. And the great thing is through our book we and our courses, we've got a multitude of toolkits and life hacks that people can tap into. But I feel like they're the simplest ways to to slow everything down and to prioritize our our own emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. And then, as you say, you get to choose how then you respond to that. Because if you're just in fine, you're in reaction mode. Yeah. You're never in response. All right. So, number one, honor how you are feeling. Check in what is happening and showing up for you right now. And where are you feeling it? Yeah. Where is fine in your body? Number two, take a breath. Take a very deep intentional breath. And the slower the exhale, the better because it's the exhale that creates the the decompression. It reduces the stress like you're a big tire and you're letting out all of that pressure. And number three is what is your intention? So how are you going to move through this with intent? And that is

then goes all the way through to old age. That's so true. And I see that in my step kids when they say they're fine. I They're teenagers. Yeah. They're teenagers. And I always want to coach them in that moment and say, "You're lying to yourself." like it's the biggest lie and I know to leave them and to help them regulate themselves. But I can see it even happening with Benji now when he's playing and he gets something happens to him. And as parents, you're trying to emotionally coach a child through something whilst you're emotionally coaching yourself. And the last thing you want to see is your kid in pain or your kid. And I rush to him when he's in pain. And I have to, my husband looks at me like, "Don't don't slow down." And I think to myself, "No, let him feel it. Let him feel it and sit with him." And I've said to him, "Are you okay?" And he's like, "I'm fine now." I'm like, "Are you lying? Is this true? Do I believe you? Is this a pattern I need to interrupt?" And how did you learn the words I'm fine at three? Yeah. So, it's something that I need to reflect on, too, as you brought this up. And look, we're talking about this podcast because we need to learn this stuff all the time. We're we wrote a book called Know Yourself, Grow Yourself, cuz we're on this quest to learn more about ourselves and how we approach situations. So, I'm thinking through this episode that I need to really understand Benji's I'm fine cuz where did he learn that? Obviously, from me. Our kids are our mirrors. Yeah. Do you remember saying it when you were younger? Uh, no I don't. What about when you were winning? Well, the thing is I I believe that women say it more than men. And that may be a projected judgment. Uh, well, you spend a lot of time with women. Uh, yes. But I grew up in a male-dominated household in a male-dominated surf. What's the equivalent of a man saying, "I'm fine." It's all good. Yeah. It's all good. It's all good. That's what men tend to resort to. Okay. We're watching you all good. Yeah, we're listening to you all gooders. This is not all good. Yeah. The biggest lie you can tell yourself it's all good or I'm fine. But I grew up, you know, my mom died when I was young and I didn't have a female role model in my household. So, I didn't really get to hear the words I'm fine very often. And you do have an it's all good mentality. Yeah, I've seen it in you. Yeah, I do. I have a real optimistic let's just get on with it. Yeah. So do you think that that fueled your success in a way that you didn't see at the time? What the words it's all good mentality mentality statement. No back then. Uh look if upon reflection I'm sure there was elements of it's all good carry on get through this. I have to prove something. It was the proof. It was the necessity to prove my worthiness that really drove everything that I did. And we'll get into that later in our Yeah, we will get into that. All right. So for people saying to themselves, I'm

women. And all of the guys out there were either a part of my dream team or they were dream thieves. Now, dream team members are supportive, encouraging, honest. They bring the best out of you. They elevate you. But they're a community. They're a like-minded community. Your dream thieves, they're the people who are judgmental, critical, analytical, the first to highlight your flaws, try and bring you down, keep you levelheaded, keep you on the ground. So, we love to refer to anyone within the Awake Academy collective or community as our dream team. I love that. Yeah. The question is, who are you?

true. I'd love to know why you say that and what disappoints you about the five in the middle. Well, this is a really deep question. Is disappoint the right word? That is also another deep question. It's not that I'm only happy with one and seven. It's that I won five world titles in a state of fear and two world titles in a state of love. Now, I've learned through both states that you can be successful in either way, but at what cost? So, I'm happy with world titles one and seven because they're my lovebased world titles and they were process driven. But world titles number 2, 3, four, five, and six were outcome driven. So, when you're process driven, you're not defined by what happens to you. You're not defined by your results. You're defined by the work that you invest into delivering the results that you expect of yourself. I always had the expectation to be the best in the world. And then I had to hold myself accountable. But in the years leading up to my first world title, I would refer to myself as a classic victim. It was everyone else's fault while I was failing. It was the judges, it was my boards, it was my peers, it was the conditions, it was everyone else's fault until I realized the common denominator in all of my disappointment and pain and suffering was me. And that was the wakeup call. That was a major wakeup call. So, I had to learn to do things differently and that first meant taking responsibility for my thoughts and my actions and my behaviors. It sounds like you were the dream thief of your own life. I was the dream thief of my own life at that time. I was a massive dream thief and I was pushing people away and I was behaving in really unusual ways and I was compromising my values and sacrificing my health and wellbeing and but it was fine. Yeah, it was fine. It was fine. How did you wake up? Well, I fell in love with a man called Ken. Not Kirk, he was next. But I fell in love with a guy called Ken who looks a lot like Buzz Lightyear and behaves like him. And Kirk, for the record, is Woody. Woody of Toy. Yeah, I got my senses about me and married Woody. Buzz can fly around the room with his eyes closed, but Woody's the sensible one to infinity and beyond. So, how did he help you? So Ken first was my dream team member. He saw more in me than I saw in myself. And he realized that there was a subconscious behavioral belief and pattern that kept emerging or appearing at moments of opportunity. So you're sabotaging yourself. I was in self-sabotage mode consistently. So that's wonderful things about dream team members. They can see aspects of yourself that you can't see within yourself. And Ken drew it out of me. He's like, "Ah." He referred to the subconscious negative thoughts as the worm. He's like, "Ah, the worm's burrowed itself back into your consciousness." I'm like, "Yes." So, he helped me identify where I was going wrong and then provided me with a distraction from it and started helping me focus on things that would help me be a better athlete, a better human being, and a better surfer, such as surfing in conditions that my peers wouldn't do, not going out on blistering, wintry, cold days. Well, in actual fact, he did recommend that kind of thing. He recommended I went and body surfed 10-ft sunset beach, which has a 25 ft face of water with no flippers and no goggles, just a bikini. First, go and let the lifeguards know that I'm about to jump in a rip that's going to drag me out to sea and put me into the impact zone of 25 ft face waves. And then just swim around out there and get comfortable with the fact that every square meter square meter of water weighs a ton and that's going to land on my head. So Ken taught you to be comfortable in uncomfortable. Yes. I can't understand why you never married him. Well, but he was a huge gift. Did he reflect back to you self- loveve so that you became your own dream team member? Not entirely. No. So he was really self-critical and he was quite hard on himself which then projected onto me. So the expectations and this is where I'm going with Amy's question about world titles. Yeah. Sorry, Amy. We'll come back to you. World titles 2, three, four, five, and six, those five in the middle, is that the minute I achieved my goal, I now placed unrealistic expectations on myself to then do it again and again and again. But the the belief that I had was I had to be worthy of that success. And to be worthy of that, I had to be twice as good as what I was last year, which was unrealistic. But Ken had also projected that expectation onto me as well. And so it drove me to be better and more ferocious where I was then tagged as having the compassion of a tiger shark because I had zero compassion for myself and we can't give compassion to others when we have no compassion for ourselves. So I lost compassion because I was so focused on winning. So that outcome driven mentality then cost me my quality of health and wellbeing and connection with Ken because if I didn't win, I was a loser. So I was winning and losing and winning and losing in world titles 2 to six. But in world titles 1 and seven, if I wasn't winning, I was learning. So it was more of a speed bump versus an emotional roller coaster. So when you're surrounded by people that have really fierce expectations of you, that is not your problem. What is your challenge is how your expectations of yourself are impacting you. No one could expect more of me than I could have expected myself. That's why I'm disappointed in the way in which I achieve those goals. I'm disappointed in the way I pushed myself. I push people away. I compromised my values. I sacrificed my health and well-being. I destroyed relationships or because I was on this relentless pursuit of success and achievement because what I didn't realize until after I won my sixth consecutive world title is that I'm not going for world titles, fame or glory. I'm going for selfworth. That's all I'm seeking is the worthiness to be loved. So great question, Amy. Thank you. I wonder if you had found self love, self-worth, which is a big part of my journey to early say end of one and I know that this is a question that sometimes comes up. Do you feel that you would have won six in a row? 100%. I actually can confidently say I probably would have won seven in a row but because I pursued at such a relentless cost of health and wellbeing that it was impossible to do it again. And I can honestly say world titles one and seven proved to me that if I come from a place of love and self-compassion, I can achieve my goals. But I stopped believing that that was possible. And it is such a reminder to everyone. It is a story of success, but it's inner success that was your greatest gift in all of this. It was learning to love yourself through all of the cards that you were dealt. And when you found that, you found true love first in yourself. And then Woody came along. Yeah. And the funny thing is, as human beings, I I mean, I fall in and out of love with myself all the time, but I'm also conscious of the triggers that instigate that. And now I can just pull back and go, "Whoa."

it back to the theme of the podcast today, what is the word fine costing you? Yeah. What is the word fine costing you? And what are the words it's all good denying you? What a truth bomb to end on. Thank you for your rawness and your authenticity in that. I know it's not easy to go there, but you go there with such grace. And let us encourage you to look at your life through our stories and our lenses. I know certainly I'm not going to win seven more titles in a row. Um, but I can relate to the similarities in those stories. So, thank you for that. And that's our encouragement for you today is take a little bit away and apply it to your life so that you can have a wakeup call on you today. So, thank you for listening. If you want to know more, check out awakeacademy.com.auu. [Music] And that's a wrap for today's episode. We'll be dropping a new one every Monday. If you want to hear more about us, check us out on awakeacademy.com.au or leave a comment or a review because it really does help us. And in the show notes is everything you learned today. And if you want to work with us more, join us at the Awake Collective. The link is in the show notes. We'll see you next week. Toodles.